Wednesday, December 19, 2007

How friendships are formed

I want to write this in a poem but don't know how. Therefore, I'm doing a post...

Friends and for the part real friends are hard to find. I mean they don't come easy. You don't just pick them beside the road, or in the bathroom while touching up on your make-up, or in class b/c your highlighter just ran out and the professor is giving the final's review, or in a restaurant when your friends and theirs don't show up and they or you end up sharing a table. You do get the picture where am going with this. Yet all thesituations I just mentioned could be the very beginning of lifetime friendships and/or relationships or stepping stones to better things/places in life

At some point during college I had to change from one cohort to another. The first morning of class is deeply etched in my mind. Saying I was devastated butchers how I felt. I remember calling my moms and crying on the phone minutes before I walked into class. I just wasn't ready to start all over again. I was broken that I was going to be the new girl in class and that I had to start from scratch. Funny, I should post about it b/c just on Monday night I was reminiscing about the months I've been through as this year nears its close. Anyway, I joined the new cohort and made new friends but there's always that one who you get along with better. At first it was simply about carpooling, going to the same place during lunch breaks, confirming assignments with one another. Then, before we noticed it we had moved on to inviting each other to our houses, doing dinner, meeting each other's friends and families, hanging out. When I flashback to the first morning of class with the new cohort I realize how much sans to say this friendship has grown

This morning said friend broke down and indulged me in what she went through with her family this past weekend. It's sad. She's disappointed and broken. I sat there and didn't know what was right to do or say. It was one of those situations where you're not only at a loss of words but even as your hand itches to reach out and touch to comfort it feels too heavy to lift. Or may be suddenly you feel like it wouldn't be the right thing to do. I mean you've not been in such a situation before so how can you relate? but she's your friend and you can see what the situation has done to her. I expressed my empathy to her

I don't know what am saying or where am going with this. In my heart am praying and hoping my friend finds a balance in all this. That she finds more strength and it makes her a better and wiser person. I hope she's back to her real self soon. I hope e'ryday she finds strength to feel less disappointment and the brokeneness goes away

I hope and pray despite all this she still has a merry xmas and enjoys the holidays

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

A Heart's Ache

The streets are abandoned
cars safely tucked in parking spots
and garages
laughter finds its way into the empty streets
laughter from houses filled
with warmth from family and friends
in feasting
You and I torn apart by the distance
tears tease to spill from my eyes
I choke and cough to stop them
stop this feeling that consumes me and takes residence in me
I'm thinking of you
In my mind, soul, and heart
am grateful for the days and nights we've been together,
the times we've shared
cherished and savored
in this cold and sadness that now resides in me
our memories keep me warm
memories of times we've dined and wined together
of times we've hugged and kissed
of moments we've bopped our heads in rhythm to music that has grown on us
so today despite our been far far apart
I want you to know that I've never loved you more
I tap strength from this aloneness
In spirit we're together
You're sitted right here beside me
We're cuddling and smiling at the joy of being together
we're holding hands
we're hugging really tight as though our lives depended on it
we're saluting each other with a click of our wine glasses

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Of growing old...

My birthday is coming up. It's actually on Sunday. Yes, apparently I'll be 23 in four days. How cool is that? Umh I'm not sure why am growing so old so fast but still am excited :) Well may be not exactly excited(at least not about the growing old bit) but content at where I am in my life.

I didn't know what to write so I just compiled something silly (below). I'm awed at how revealing my posts have been as evidenced by the 'poem' below. You want to know one more thing about me? I'm out of school for a whole month? It's so surreal. I'm sleeping in at the slightest chance. Oh I'm so turning 23 in style. Imagine a month's break from school? What am I gonna do with myself? Ideas welcome. For the last few days I've been trying to get caught up on my reading (not school books). I'm currently reading the Kite Runner thanks to SisBigBones for recommending it :)

I thank, you, for reading my amateur poetry. Each of you has given me mojo to keep attempting to put words together. Words that you've come back over and over again and read and surprisingly commended me on. I'm humbled.

Your swinging by my blog has somewhat in a way beyond you and me contributed to my being this year and for that to, you, I'm grateful.

I know as you read this you're in stitches because this is me coming out of the closet and telling you despite my putting 2-4 words in four line paragraphs(otherwise called poems) I actually cannot write or put together a post. I shall not intricate things by divulging you on my many failed attempts at paying someone to write my term school papers. I cannot begin to put in words the joy that has transcended my existence each time I've done the reference page of any of my term papers. If written in supposedly the correct order the reference page should come last. Incessantly my self motivation or lack of thereof has led me to start my term papers backwards. Yes, I always type my reference page first. I know it's simply out of this world. As I said my many attempts at writing have undoubtedly failed but my obstinate nature won't badge. I shallow not succumb. So, laugh all you want. LOL

Happy Birthday to all ye Scorpios out there!!! Pandave hope you have recovered enough to enjoy your birthday :)

After all is said and done...My dears I give you yet another of my amateur pieces.Enjoy...

Another year has come and is almost gone

Just like the other one

Each day brings the close of this year nigh

Her mind unabashedly goes back in time

Revisiting her past

she sits alone

lets her body, soul and mind

go back, back into times gone

tears stream down her face

as a smile forces its being on her lips

lighting up her face

almost like the sun shining in the rain

bittersweet memories

flood her whole being

lost in time

she recounts each sunrise and sunset

watches herself walk down each road

good and bad

paths of peace, quiet and joy

others trod of brokenness, tears and pain

sometimes letting herself stay down

longer than she should

others picking herself up, dusting herself and moving on

all lessons learnt

no mistakes,just lessons

halting at moments of triumph and joy unspeakable

overwhelmed by times of sheer exhaustion

at times succumbing to aloneness

sometimes counting on others to pick her up

filled with unsurety

sometimes even letting her guard down

mastering the strength to reach out to others for comfort

then taking out time to recuperate

all the while leaning on God

sometimes allowing her feelings to show

often letting go, to let God

her beloveds always at heart

at times to burdened to tell the difference

reminding others to see the good in themselves

commemorating her passed on dear ones

accepting life's lemons

but still living for the moment

soldiering tough times

allowing herself to purge some things in her life

remembering to be appreciative

some days overcome by darkness

grieving her patients

being in love

Of all people missing her the most

wishing each of you(readers/bloggers/friends/everyone out there reading this or not) the very best

Saturday, October 27, 2007

15 mins to evacuate

I'm well despite the fires. I'm one of the few who lucked out of the horror. Still I'm suffering from the distress. Above all I'm suffering from survival guilt. I mean some people have been hit so hard, to nothingness and here I'm all I suffer is the ashy-smoky tinged air discomfort. I mean what do you tell the ones who've lost everything? what do you offer them? do you give them money? or do you open your doors to them? or do you lock yourself up and kill yourself with the survival guilt? It's so overwhelming when you're in a place and everyone else has lost all they had but you. You're definitely not on the same page and no one walks in another's shoes for a second so you can't even begin to understand their situation. While sympathy is a no no even empathy seems a tad bit mean here.

Today I went to class and we had a stress/crisis discussion and some of my classmates who were affected shared their grief. The main thing was the minute they got the reverse 911 calls giving them anywhere from 3min to 15mins to evacuate their homes. The sheer confusion of not knowing what to take with them and what not to. They explained how in that moment their priorities in life seemed to suddenly changed. They grabbed medications, some clothings, documents and then some weird items like a metal plunger. I can't begin to fathom the confusion that would linger in such a moment you know what to take and at the same time you don't. If I was to walk in those shoes I'd grab all my important paperwork and some clothes. I know even in writing am at pains to pick so I shall digress...

I vividly remember the night I stood at the patio and watched the fire working it's way downhill towards my house, friends and family called to ensure I had my bag packed ready to voluntarily evacuate but I wasn't ready and honestly I didn't even pack. I couldn't sleep at night, I stayed up all week and at dawn I'd fall asleep and wake up at 5pm PT and the cycle was vicious. However, we made it. God is awesome.

My heart goes out to the deceased souls, the bereaved families and those directly affected, directly affected meaning those who personally lost their loved ones, homes, possessions and property. As a city, everyone in San Diego has been affected directly or/and indirectly. I'm grateful to all the emergency services and each San Diegan. In this time crisis and disaster a lot of corporation has been exhibited and we are all very appreciative to each other.

To all my family, friends, and even blogosphere friends for checking on me. Thanks for hitting the redial button when the reception was bad, for opening your homes to me and the comments and e-mails.

Please tell me had you being the one who got the reverse 911 call to evacuate in 15mins what would you have grabbed?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fires Update

Last night when I went to bed there were only eight fires. This morning I woke to thirteen fires. Flashback to Sunday there were only three fires. Suffice to say they're spreading faster than expected. The SD county is running out of water. The only thing that am content and happy about is that people are taking the mandatory evacuations seriously and getting their behinds out of their homes. I know people have lost homes and other valuables worth millions but all that is replaceable so I think it is ok for now. I know it's been hard watching t.v. and suddenly reading your address as one of the houses the fire will be striking next, I can only imagine how devastating it has been getting a reverse 911 call declaring immediate mandatory evacuation, what to grab and what not? or even how heart breaking it is receiving the news that yours is one of the homes that have burned or worse still watching/watched it burn.

These fires are destroying memories that will remain irreplaceable but material cannot measure up to peoples' safety. People have been urged to knock on their neighbors doors during evacuations to ensure no one is left behind. The reverse 911 calls only work for landlines and some don't have landlines in their houses so it's very considerate and thoughtful to knock on those doors and make sure we get everyone out in time. Only one person has died so far, God rest his/her soul in eternal peace. Over 300,000 people have been evacuated and so many homes have burnt down to ashes and beyond recognition. Most of the people have been evacuated or are evacuating to Qualcomm Stadium, home stadium of the San Diego Chargers.

Right now as I type this the fire is coming down the hill towards my house but still it is a safe distant away. The winds have slightly calmed down and hopefully that shouldn't work against us. They haven't issued a voluntary or mandatory evacuation for my area

I'm grateful to all the firefighters/firemen, the news casters/presenters, the governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the families that have been evacuated, Red Cross, the volunteers, National Guard, all the food places and other miscellaneous companies that have made donations to aid the evacuated families just the whole of San Diego County for the corporation and togetherness in all of this.

A lot of places are out of power and the SD county has requested we stay away from our cellphones unless very necessary b/c they're highly relying on them right now for communication and updates. All schools both private and public are closed until further notice.

Thank you to all my friends and family for the calls, text messages, FB messages and anyway you've reached me to check on me. I appreciate!!!!!!!!

Stay safe :)

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Four years on Wednesday

How is it that time flies so much
It's been four years
How is it that it all seems just like yesterday
so fresh in my mind
four years
yet still I turn and toss
when i wake to a dream you're in

Four years H
still I see your empty grave
four years
still I hear the dirt pouring in over
your casket

Four years
and time hasn't healed this wound
it has wounded the healing
four years
still addicted to this pain

We still can't let you go
tomorrow I'll be there in spirit
haven't I always been
I'll listen as they speak of you
you were an angel

Four years H
still I catch myself
sending up a prayer for you
four years and my eyes still tear
my heart still aches
my soul is still sorrowful
H, rest in peace

But she and I
we push them to go see him
each time we talk
I harshly inquire of their last visit
I bitterly remind them you watch down from up above

Four years and still
I hear you call my name
still hear you yell mom's name
from the gate
still you talk to me
reprimanding she and I to not go on that 'walk'
understanding only too well of the mischief
oh H
with a smile and a chuckle still you let us

Four years H
and still you talk to me
still I run into you down the street
still I can't stop crying over your demise
four years still no scar
just a wound still so fresh
not a scab over it,no

Oh, H
do you look down on us
do you still love us
do you remember each one of us
do want us to not cry
are you really in a better place

It's been a tough week for us
but since you've been gone
each day has been a rude awakening of you
gone on a no return journey

Do you rest in peace?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

'Sympathetic' Tuesday

One of the patients I had today was this cute 20y.o. guy, so cute you just want to hug him and tell him it's going to be fine but then you see in therapy that would be what is called fake reassurance not to mention we have a no-touch policy so the hugs just wouldn't happen. but this kid was so sweet and to think he has a mental issue he'll have to tackle and live with for the rest of his life just breaks my heart. he is there b/c he tried to commit suicide but when you think of it he is just a 20y.o. who hasn't even experienced life then he realizes he can never hang out with his age mates, never be 'normal' b/c he is 'different' in a way few perceive ah it gets to me.he has schizophrenia which is the worse psychotic illness and am supposed to sit there with him and try be as therapeutic as i can and say what? then he looks me straight in the eye and tells me that he is just 'not social' he is trying to tell me he has no social or doesn't know how to socialize but no its not that he doesn't know how it's just that it's one of the symptoms for this illness, the medical term for it is, asocial, and unfortunately he even has no clue about that, so gently i explain it to him. by explaining i'm trying to help him feel less guilty and different when he isolates himself from others b/c something in him tells him he doesn't 'fit' in the crowd. well am not supposed to be sympathetic God knows even i can't stand it when someone tries to feel sorry for me. am supposed to be empathetic. sometimes am like forget all of that let's be real this kid will be stuck in this life for the next however long and each morning he'll wake up and each night go to bed trying to fight these demons and voices that tell him to be paranoid or to jump a bridge or to slit his kills me i mean am supposed to just sit there and be therapeutic? he needs me alright i know that but please just shoot me b/c i feel so sorry for him and it's hard sometimes to not wonder if there is a possibility to trade places but God have mercy.see this is the problem sometimes i bring it home with me, i meet a patient and they stay with me somehow and i can't shake them off. anyway let me stop i bet it's my career and i've to learn to be the best i can each day and make it less personal. still it tags at my heart somehow i love them all with a love that i can't explain leaving them each night and finding them the next morning does me proud b/c living their lives takes special people and every single of them is exactly that, a special person.

Saturday, September 22, 2007


Standing here waiting
the soft breeze gently blows
into me

Yesterday had been summer
today is almost fall
the sun is out
halfway visible
the other half safely hidden by the
lingering yet threatening rain clouds

My body longing
for the summer heat yet
craving and soaking up in
the moderation of a fading summer
and the beginning of winter

In this moment of reminiscence
my body celebrates the near end of a season
yet the mark of a new,embracing it
with layers of warm clothes
and an umbrella at stone throw distance

Ah, the bliss of changing seasons!

Friday, September 14, 2007

My moms

Most Oustanding Mother,
My moms
Thank you, for being my best woman,
and person on earth
I celebrate you in all ways

For your tears, I pray laughter
Hard times, I pray better days
In weakness, I pray strength
In darkness, light
Clouds, that the sun,
shines again

Thank you,
for your wise words,
Warmth in hugs,
Ear that listened, listens, will listen
Eye that sees before it is
Hands that make scrumptious food
give special touches
Voice, that prays, to lift me up

I hear your strong voice
Full of courage, assurance, wisdom
When I'm lost or torn
It directs me, mom

Reminds me of who you made me
Your wise words
That I can't wait for life to be
I have to create it
They guide me, mom

For instilling godliness in me
Thank you,
for now I seek solace
From God,
My pillar, and tower of strength

Thank you,
so close,
so one,
together in spirit

Mom, I celebrate you yesterday,today and tomorrow.

I'm more of a nester than dreamer, literally, in every way you can think it. I hardly recall what I dream. However, this morning it was different I remembered dreaming about my moms last night. The s.o. and I have this 'agreement' his mother=mum and mine=moms. I've called mine, moms, since I can remember. She's the #1 person in my life, she knows it, I say it to her over and over and some. I think I just miss here a lot...*sigh*

I wish y'all had a beautiful week and your weekend stays the same or/and better :)


Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Psychiatric Tuesday

f/actual difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist. a psychiatrist is an MD (medical doctor), a psychologist on the other hand isn't. Hmm...interesting,who would have thought it? psychosocial isn't exactly my cup of tea but what can i do right? the orientation was spooky.i oriented to the ECU(elopement care unit), this is where they lock up psych pts(patients) who pose danger to themselves and/or others. the place was literally a dungeon. they were all walking up and down.pacing the hallways. i could almost immediately tell they were not with it or were out of it...attitude is everything, i'll remain positive and open-minded. i want to leave a lasting impression. it's going to be a very intensive learning and involving process. it goes both ways, i'll not only learn about my patients but about myself too, it's going to be an eye-opener. my patience, which is close to nil, will be tested and challenged. they'll try to manipulate me but in everything i've to be the professional, i've to carefully choose my words, everything i say or do (verbal and/or non verbal) is required to be therapeutic. the way i react to the pts reciprocates.if they sense fear from me, they too become afraid and sensing me as the 'danger' might attack me in self-defense.however if i remain calm, they'll sense the calm and act the same. all said i got a ton of info to look-up, compile and put together. gtg.

hope y'all having a beautiful week :)

Monday, September 03, 2007

Joy Unspeakable Monday

I just now got the final score i've been waiting for forever, well not literally, since saturday yes you guessed that right it's been a time of agony between saturday and today, i tossed and turned, i barely ate, it was literally killing me to know, i wanted to know so bad but it wasn't going to happen until today so i slowly, with as minimal impatience and agitation as i could, mastered the art of sitting pretty and stopping myself from pulling out my hairs one by one, but had i opted for the latter it'd have been less painful than the wait but the wait still was so worth it, so much so you'd not understand. I went through refreshing my inbox every second, no, i don't have anxiety disorders, just impatience and this very weekend, as i read the bible, my petition to God was for me to achieve the fruits of the holyspirit, patience, especially. I'm still working on it and am very graetful to God. I knelt, my knees before God, my hands up in gratitude and joy, joy unspeakable. Thank you God, thank you. Then, of course I called my dear sweetmoms and passed on the joy bug, yaay! I just told the s.o...

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Terrific Thursday

NOT! With that said still it was a beautiful day sans the 105 F temp. I cannot wait for winter. I don't know for the life of me how to deal with heat, I'd rather be cold. Ok so you think I'm saying that b/c it doesn't snow where I live but I've lived in cities/states that snow and still hacked it. I've boots and coats fetish and hats too :) can I say it enough that I want it to be winter already.

I went out to the sizzler last night and partook of some clam chowder soup, plain veggie salad, some ambrosia salad and a piece of water melon. Not only does it read and write like a pretty healthy dinner but it ate pretty well too. Well until I got home and say 2hrs later my stomach was in sheer turmoil. It was a long night of tossing and turning, at about 3am I was starting to dose off until my twin called me and jolted me back from the sleeping world. lol later on he sent me a text apologizing b/c I'd sounded very grumpy and cranky. but I hadn't slept all night and just when I was about to he calls and I was waking up in an hour, not exactly my idea of a terrific day lol next time i'll clobber his head, poor thing! anyway I went to work and was pathetic and ended up coming back home at 0130pm. I drank lotsa fluids to flush out my GI (gastrointestinal) system and got my fave jamba juice drink, tahiti green tea, i'm hooked on green tea, since i quit coffee, green tea is the new coffee

I've been sleeping since and just barely woke up. It's a quarter till 10pm and suffice to say I'm not a tiny bit sleepy. I need to do some online assessments and now you'd think is the perfect time to do them right? well until of course I got on the website and it's down for maintenance and it says to check back after 12:01 AM CDT friday August 31st. Perfectly honestly this is the last thing I need right now, my plate is full as it is. I NEED to do the two, 100-question assessments before Saturday 8am. This isn't an act of procrastination I just wait them out until now because it's what works best for me, for reasons you wouldn't fathom *sigh*

I'm so scared of eating b/c a sick stomach is one of the worst things. In the meantime I'll keep snacking on crackers and water. I just want it to be gone by saturday

Sunday, August 19, 2007

weekend ramblings

i rarely blog about my life and/or what's going on with me so this is a tad weird. lately, my weekends have been starting on thursday nights,ta! it's been a great weekend, slept in friday, went to the library later that afternoon, studied some, went out to Daphine's for some greek dinner. had a good long walk later. got home, chilled. slept in saturday, woke up mid-morning, did some 2 papers that were due and turned them in then did some few updates here and there. stayed in bed,lazing off until 2pm, got up, hit the shower and went over to a friend's to help her out with some papers and just chill out. did the papers. watched a a movie i love-resevoir dogs-highly recommend it, if you haven't seen it. and please tell me, do you believe in tips??i'll tell you this much...hmm let me hold it until you tell me if you do or don't. went out to chevy's for dinner at nine-ish ( i know, bad eating habits, i should know i'm a...) let me shut my home at almost midnight, a friend i haven't seen in a minute called, hang out for a minute, blacked out at one-ish.up at 5, doing laundry, 7 folding and putting it away.had some cereal and banana. now in bed chilling. i go to church, night service, it's barely 11am what will i do with myself? see, this is where the 'problem' comes in, lately i've had too much time heck my gf is complaining her day doesn't have 'nuff hours and me, oh well me, mine has lately had this excess time. i love life, for the most part of it. i'll divulge you in a few things about me. today was my dear moms birthday, i love my moms to the very last tid bit. she's simply awesome!i've caught myself one too many a time lol subconsciously remembering something she has told me in the past. purely hilarious.
i like greek and seafood cuisines. i could live int the sea me.i cook well, almost like i attended culinary school in my previous life. i love God more than anyone (inlcuding my moms and s.o.) that if there was an advert for God I'd do it. i'm not a saint, just a sinner who KEEPS falling but GETTING UP. i'm very private and reserved. i don't trust easy. i've been told i've a wall around me, it's just not me to let my guard down. i'm caring, i look out for those i love and care for. heck i look out for everyone regardless of whether i relate to them in anyway. i'm a free spirit.i've passion to help. i'll give and be left without. i loathe a violation of who i am, don't cross the line and we're fine, cross it and suffice to say you're out. sometimes i'm too hard on myself, i beat up myself. excellence and great performance is my crux. to reach out to those who need me will be the death of me. i have a shoes, bags and clothes fetish. i obssess over scrubbing my face. i believed in just liking for a very long time, until i happened on the flipside. i drink a lot of water,
sometimes i worry i'll get dilutional hyponatremia . i gotta have a venti green tea most mornings. running liberates me. i'm a neat freak. i have to be the most impatient person there is in the whole world over. i try to be patient really i do. i detest to be kept waiting. i'm a very time-conscious person. i keep time. i give my word and keep it and if i can't i'll let you know. i like horses. i grew up going to horse races with the paps. i believe words are very powerful, therefore i feel it is of most essence to ponder before utterance of some words. it's hard to take words back. words grow on you. words written can be erased but words uttered not same difference. my taste for music is very different. currently am hooked on a xtian radio station, klove, they say it's in all states, it's int'l too, try it if you like contemporary xtian music, very good music.i've this insatiable passion to reach out to orphans. i went to boarding school all my life. for along time in my life i only missed my moms. the person i've grown up to be reflects differently measured up against my age

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I'm doing this b/c am bored

1. Where is my cell phone? beside my left hand
2. My Vehicle? is a black baby
3. My hair? is always braided
4. My father? always allowed me to do things "on second thoughts"
5. My favorite thing? solitude & silence
6. My dream last night? i don't dream
7. My favorite drink? water
8. The room I am in? my office
9. I am? week 5 into critical care nursing
10: I love? that there's only 3 more weeks of critical care left
11. What do I want to be in 10 years? a built on me,me
12. Who did I hang out with today? my jamaican gf for lunch
13. I am not_______? looking forward to pulling a 12hr tomorrow
14. What would not be in my fruit salad? oranges
15. One of my wish list items? iphone
16. Today I must________ ? go to bed early
17. The last thing I did? some bogus database project
18. What am I wearing? pin-stripped pants w/white dress shirt
19. My pet(s)? my yorkie dog, Milo
20. My computer? is the last thing I'm on ev'ryday before I sleep
21. My Shoes? highlight 3' heels

Feel free to tag yourself and do this on your blog :)

Mucho amor,

Current mood-Mellow
Currently listening to-K-Love

I'd rather be-camping

Friday, August 10, 2007

Randomness in a quiet night

Laying sprawled
across the bed
linens kicked aside
pillows scattered

my eyes open to the dark
why,no it was light just now

My body awakens to a coolness
why,it was insanely hot just now

The music pipes from a distant
the phone rings dreadfully

The cars speed up the hill
outside my window

No sleep
I gather the tall figure
some more towards the wall
oh the cool

one day it's going to be different
one day soon
it shall depart from me
or i from it
this aloneness that just almost drowns me, tonight

this boredom that near chokes me
this ache in my soul thirsts
for difference
for a new
for different

why do you sleep without me
why won't you wait for me to fall into the dream world first?

I close my eyes to the dark
when I open them
will the light be back already?

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Super Understanding

I lay in bed,
tossed and turned all night long
I cried myself to sleep
not a soul to talk to
not a heart to confide in

I walked,
lost in my thoughts
stuck in the past
trying to make something of the present
to build a future

Lost in my ways
I turned myself around
lay in the bed I made
not a wink
no sleep
yet no regrets

Because this time
I kept the lessons
held them close to me

I didn't think anyone really cared
I don't even think i wanted anyone to
but in my heart of hearts
I hoped for a true soul out there
that truly would

That soul is you,
and am graetful to God
you help me keep my faith
show me how to wait it out

You teach me how to keep hoping
never to sell-out
always to reconsider

It's your thought, that keeps me safe in the dark
your prayer, keeps me warm in the cold
your love sends me protection
and guidance from up above
because I know you murmur away a prayer to God
just for me

I try to not let go
because I know
regardless of everything
you think me, happy thoughts
hope and pray me only the best

This mystery puzzle
called me
is now almost complete
all its pieces just about
put together

I'm most thankful to God
for you
because you make me tear away at what
an awesome and amazing person you are

So if you ever loose your hope
you can have mine
if you get lost
I'll ask God to help me find you
because me and you walk the same line

I'll shine a light for you
when it's dark
I'll try my best to be there
to help you feel your way around

If that cloud too should pass
I know another will come
and still i'll stand on the other side of the shore
waiting for you
God help me
because when we meet what we are afraid of
we find out what we are made of

I've something real in you
because you and I speak
the same language
even in silence
you get me,
and feels great to be got

Your words give me strength
knowing you're there
keeps me going

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


It's everything. and nothing. It's everyone and no one. sometimes even I, am clueless to what's going on. have i distanced myself? really? why does that not seem like news to me. have i been overly quiet lately? i can't explain it, i can try but what does it matter you wouldn't understand anyway. i don't want you to try, it is ok.I survive, i tough it out. i hardly let on anything.but sometimes it hits the fan. tis ok to cry after all, right? it cleanses the soul, at least it does mine. i don't want to man up, i want to be my 'real' age, i want to cry because this end feels empty and yes there's a light at the end of this tunnel but i don't want to be the big guy again, i want to succumb to this and cleanse this soul. i don't want to 'fix' it. i've learnt sometimes i've to let it fall apart if it has to fall back in place.Am i forgetting something? no, i would not forget to count my blessings and thank God.someone out there is having it worse. i'm lost, i've gone to look for myself, should i return before i'm back, please have me wait.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

8 random things

I got tagged by Pandave...

The Rules are:-

  1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
  2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
  3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
  4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
  5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

So here goes mine...

  • I was addicted to coffee for a long time. I've been 'sober' of coffee for six months now and am still counting. It's a big achievement, if i say so myself
  • I dislike driving. I'd rather catch the trolley,ride the bus, or take a cab than drive. So, that's exactly what I do, leave my car home and commute
  • I hardly use the word-Hate-in regard to someone. If I said I hated someone I'd be saying I hate the God in them lol I can't explain it
  • I don't lye my hair. I always braid. I'm seriously contemplating dreads in a few months. Some people relate or misjudge people with locks but sporting dreads doesn't necessarily point you out as belonging to a certain 'group' or 'cult'. I'm still trying to figure out how to convince my moms, hopefully she won't keel over and die
  • I love men in uniform. Not cops though. Pilots, Paramedics, and Firemen. I've one and I love him to smitherings
  • I've disliked cops since October '03. I know not all of them are trigger-happy but since I lost somone very close to one of the few who are trigger-happy it's made it harder to even want to differentiate the good from the bad. Need I say I dislike guns?
  • Each time an ambulance, fire truck, and police car zoom past me, sirens going off I whisper a prayer for the person (s) they're rushing for
  • The person I am today I owe to my moms. She knows, I tell her each time we talk, over and over, it doesn't get old, b/c each day I discover a new piece, a new strength that I didn't even know existed. But above all I'm graetful to God for ever making her my moms. I love her to pieces, to the very last bit.

I tag Irena, Feather, Quintessence, scotchbiscuits, Betty, Cabbie Dearest, Gish, and Three types of crazy.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Those days

There are days when I feel ready to begin
then there are others I feel most unprepared

There are times when all I do is ball out my eyes
then there are others i laugh my ribs into pain

There are days when nothing seems to make sense
then others when am the one pointing out to others
how much sense everything really makes

There are days when I need not a reminder that tough times don't last
and that better days are nigh
then those that I've to be reminded, it has to be hammered into me
it has to be rubbed all over my face
I have to be made sit and reminded I know this, that I know better
that I've said it to others, that on most days it's what I walk, talk, eat

There are days when I've a clue
others am just so lost and clueless
others I just zone out

There are days when I can't wait to awake
others I want to stay under those covers
stay underneath forever

There are days I'll talk
others I'm quiet, withdrawn,behind my walls
searching, finding

There are days am upto to everything
others I just want to sit and do nothing
just look into space, get lost in my own fantasies

There are those days
then others
and until i'm jolted back to reality
It's either one

When I get on my knees
when I bow this head
When in discreet I whisper away a prayer
When I murmur to myself
God intervenes
see I can't explain how
but I do know for sure
there's power in a prayer

There's revelation when I wait on God
there's success when I involve Him in my life
there's excellence all around me
there are breakthroughs

I find answers,
to all my questions...

Have a blessed and beautiful weekend!

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Cheer me up?

I'm back from vac. I was only gone a week. But, it didn't seem like a week, not for a minute, it seemed longer. I enjoyed every minute of it, had tons of fun, good laughs, good food, just simply a very amazing time.

Vacation? what is it? my definition is a time when I get to digress if for a moment from the-my normal routine(which is insanely overwhelming). It's the time I take off of the routine and slow down, catch a breath, look around, take in the beauty of rest and change or not. Time to re-energise and recuperate, time to reflect, time to catch up on some things that normally wouldn't make the day's agenda ( I'm a bit big on first things first). A time to reminiscence on what has been and of course a time to re-focus and make a few necessary changes. And all these I did.

But now am back in town, as I type this am not a happy camper, I'm in a crisis of a bittersweet mood. I miss my family so much, I miss the BF. Vacation was suppossed to make me happy no? and yes am happy and very graetful I got that time off and got away from all the madness in my life. However, whenever I take vacation I regress, no, not in a bad way. But, I always come back and first 2 weeks, I'm trying to fit in the routine all over again, like trying to rebuild myself, and not cry myself to sleep. I build a wall and shut others out as I give myself time to come back.

I'll come back slowly but surely. When I wake up tomorrow morning it'll be more like hitting the ground running because of all the things I have to do and stay on top of. I'll be back sooner than I know it, it'll linger at the back of my mind but soon will vamoose.

Think me happy thoughts, would you? Leave me comments and cheer me up :) Indulge me in how you feel after your vacation(s) or how you'd feel after your vacation(s)?

Mood-Bittersweet, torn between happy, aloneness, lowliness, and sadness

Wednesday, July 04, 2007


I'm on vacation but I'll be back before y'all know it

Prayers, love, and friendship

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Stillness & Quiet

Still my heart,
Oh Lord,quieten the turmoils

Give me peace,
Oh God,
release the rest
you intend for me.

Silent... oh God,
all the urges
and voices that push me...
to move on and on
without stopping,
without resting...

Still me down,
my Father,
hold me to your hands,
remove my cares, burdens, and heavy wearies...
and be there in the silence with you...

God, silent me,
still me,
slow me down,
deal with that rush...that is somehow within
this heart of mine.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Lost in this feeling

I'm lost in your gentleness
lost in this feeling of you caring with all

Lost in your concern
this feeling, concern, that so warms me up
It's this feeling at the pit of my stomach

Lost in the feeling of these thoughts
these thoughts that cheer me up
and make me smile

I'm lost in this feeling
feeling of how your understanding is super-amazing
feeling of how your reasoning is so beautiful

I'm thrown by this feeling
Lost in how a personality can be oh
so cute
Lost in this feeling of patience that makes me so happy

Lost in this feeling
that keeps me smiling
lost in how intelligent innocence
can be

I'm so lost in this feeling of
getting looked out for
this feeling of getting checked up on
lost in this oh so good feeling

I'm so lost,
so lost in this feeling
so happy to be lost
Oh so totally feeling this lost feeling

If lost feels so good is asking not to be found asking for too much?!?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Like a woman without God

When I am tempted to doubt myself
And question my gifts and experience,
Remind me, GOD- of all that I know,
And those things that I don’t know
That I Know,
Remind me, who I am, and whose I am
Even when I hide behind my piety
To avoid doing what must be done
And use You as an excuse for indecision,
For lack of action, for silencing myself.
Love me enough to lift the lid off my basket,
And order me to stop crouching in the dark.

Like a Woman without a GOD

Monday, May 28, 2007

To my sisters and our only brother

I woke to an e-mail from my twin brother this morning. He is the most amazing man/guy I know. I have two sisters too. I love my sisters and brother with my all...the poem below says a tad of the emotion called love I have and feel for them...

I'm happy for my two sisters and only brother
as we've grown up, we've taken care of each other
stuck up for each other
wanted only what is best for each other
I pray we'll always be a part of each other's lives,
always love each other,
because that's what siblings are
so, siblings, this is for you

There's a link between us
that will never break,
Even though it's been stretched
a time or two-or even more
we've been through
so much together;
we've got so much in common

I'll never stop caring about you,
worrying about you,
wanting only the very best for you,
that can never change.
because that's what love's all about
that's what a sister's for

Just so you know,
I carry your hearts with me(I carry them in my heart)
I'm never without them(nowhere I go am I without them)
anywhere I go you go, my beloved sisters and brother;and whatever thing
is done by only me is your doing my darlings

I fear no fate(for you my sweets,are my fate)
I want no world(for you beautifuls, are my one true world)
and it's you who are my everything
and whatever always means the most and best to me
you are

Here is the darkest secret, no soul else knows
(here is the root of all roots, song of all songs
and love of all loves called A LIFE WITH YOU,
which grows higher than the soul hopes or mind thinks)
and it's no wonder you're the stars set apart
the best, bright and shining

So you just know,
I carry your hearts(I carry them in my heart)

Saturday, May 19, 2007


Silent phone,
ringing phone,
same difference

Earlier days,
same difference

silence speaks louder

same difference

or gone,
same difference

same difference.Not.

Solitude moments..
crowded moments...
same difference? no?
different difference.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Heaven in You

Self-love is a pre-requisite for a healthy
You accept and reach out to others in the same way that you accept
and understand yourself

Don't look for heaven
up there...
in the clouds,
or past the clouds,

Don't try to see it where or when
the stars shine,
don't think its gone when the moon isn't out

Look inside
Inside of you

It's when you smile

It's when you choose too see only goodness,
deal bad best you can,
love limitless,
make a difference,

It's when you live best in and for the moment
set example
are humble
treat all equally

Heaven is,
when you refuse to give up
when you choose to give faith a fighting chance
when you live on hope you see it?
do you feel it?

Heaven is inside of you
Heaven is you!

Monday, May 14, 2007


I celebrate you today...

Truth outted by her
I hung my head
buried it in my hands
wept afresh for you

I miss you
still love you
still catch myself hoping..dreaming you were around
and oh how much I see you each time I walk
I bump into you
just every other day

Tell you some of the things I miss..?
the colored rice..
the tusker in the stew...
the hurried dinners...
the popped in movies to keep us awake till dinner was ready
the sa(n)dak whoopings

I try to block my eyes from seeing you
my mind from hearing you
your last words to me
our last words

I miss you
I love you
I still say a prayer for you
still mention you
to those close to me
I knew when you left, I saw
but kept in denial

I asked God to let you eat
and finish your food
it tore me apart
when you were no more
It felt as though God had disowned me
as though He heard not my prayers..our prayers

I sacrified for you
I wanted you to live so so bad
I wanted to come back find you
if only I had known those
words were our last
that day our only together
return I never would have
but then again you would not have wanted that

I live on because I know
you look down on
because when I look out my window
every night I know you are the brightest star
that shines, puts a sparkle in my heart

And when the stars are not out
It puts my heart at rest to know
you are at rest with the best
you taught me so much
may be not by words
but actions, just from watching you

I live on because now I know
even those things we think sometimes
matter, don't, not at all
now I know there's more, more
to this life

I see so much of you in me
and it keeps me going
I want to be just like you
and more
you know what..

I cry today
because I know you should have
lived on
I try to find a reason
but I succumb to tears
I'm lost
can still read the placard
I can still hear the soil
I see you

Sleep in peace

Saturday, May 12, 2007

My Seven

I've been tagged twice by Mwangi and Q. Here goes my seven;

  1. When I was about 10y.o my cousins, siblings and I would get hauled to grandma's. It's in the murang'a bundus, suffice to say banana plantations dominate the district(?). Grandma always cooked bananas. Now you can only eat something for so long. One day we were out playing and she calls us to come eat lunch(duh banoz). We all refused to go and instead screamt calling her "monkey" I shall not indulge you in the whipping we later faced that day.
  2. During the first term of my high school I was in a school in the bundus (Kangaru Girls-Embu) they spoke embian and I didn't understand jerk. I had enough of it, run away, went back home and refused to go back to that school until I got transferred to a different school.
  3. I'm very attached to my cellphone. I live in a city where I have no family or anyone I'd really call a friend. Everyone close to this heart of mine is out of state/city or country all together so I gotta have my cellphone. If I can't find my cellphone I freak out and panic. I hardly turn off my cellphone. I text message alot. My cellphone got a virus 3weeks ago and I haven't seen it in like 2weeks and I've been literally sitting on my hands to not pull my hair out because I cannot handle the replacement cellphone.
  4. I'm kinda sorta anal and spoilt. I like to do things a certain or particular way. More often than not I gotta have things my way.
  5. I believe in God. I wholly trust and depend on God. God is the only person I can use the word NEVER with or on b/c He is the only one person I can always count on without getting forsaken, let down or disappointed. God is the most awesome person I know. Prayer is the most powerful thing in my life.
  6. My boyfriend is different. I'm at pains to explain how.
  7. My moms is the most amazing woman and person I'm yet to meet. I call her my RIBS. She's my role model, inspiration,bestfriend #1, and soulmate. All I'm I owe to her. She's taught and instilled all the values and morals in me and I thank God for her very much. I celebrate her big this mothers' day.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

He's gone

I don't think everyone should marry.

I agree that some people should not have children.

I do think some people that are married should not be together.

I think it's better to leave FOR the kids.

I think it's detrimental to the general well-being of the kids, as well as the parents to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of saving face.

No one asked him to leave but he did.

I'm not sure how i feel now that he's left.

It broke my heart to hear them cry.

He hasn't written. He hasn't called.I don't know if he is happy. I'm not sure I even care

I thought I would be ready for this one day. I'm not.

I can't.So much. Too much. Stop.

(Borrowed from Medusa 2005/6)*partially edited*

Friday, April 27, 2007

Last night

I fell in love with you,

all over again

last night

It's what i needed to come home

to last night

after a long day

I walked through the door

and there it lay

on the table awaiting me

instantly my lips broke into a secret smile

The minute I saw it

I knew, knew

It was your doing

rushing to my room

I ripped it open

losing myself in it

With each line

my smile broadened

my face lit up

from within my heart

I fell in love with you,

all over again last night

just reading it

oh how much pleasure you give me

This warmth crept upon me

as I re-read it

with each blush

I let every word of it sink

engraving in my heart and soul

I got into bed,

said a prayer,

with a smile on my face i fell asleep

loving you today more than I did yesterday

Falling in love all over again

with you, last night

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

A walk remembered

Call me if you feel 'funny'
she says
stop I tell her
I won't

I don't think about it
until the time comes

We gather,
then disperse

We walk
our laughter fills the air
a step a head of everyone
I wonder
will i hear those laughs again
will we do this again
laughter penetrates the quiet, calm night

You're so quiet they always say
are you ok?
how are you feeling today?
my answer, always the same
just simply, ok

I get off,
look around,
a tad darker
a tad quieter
a tad more scared than I was yesterday
may be, really I should find a different way to do this

No, my alter ego argues
you've done it so many times
what makes today different

Left hand in pocket, right out
I start the stroll
at first i quicken my steps
then i think to myself
easy does it
slowing myself down
I take a deep breath
I can do this
through Christ who strengthens me
who watches over me and keeps me safe, secure

He is going to watch over me
Him who watched over me yesterday
Surely,He will watch over me, He who
has watched over me all these years

The night is asleep
the streets abandoned,
the roads empty
do i hear voices?
i turn around,
my right hand getting a tighter grip

Stay focused, I tell myself
you're almost there
my eyes dart around in the dark
I can't wait to get there

I'm almost there,
I see it around the bend,
I'm home, safe,
I kneel beside it
and thank God

He has planted guardian angels
on paths i trod
because He already knows where I shall trod today

He can stay but unless HE stay
I won't be safe, I'd rather HE stay
so goodnight my love

I've realised what I'd do without God
I'm nothing without God

Letter to L

Dear L-

You make me very sad. I think about you every other day. You just seem to invade my mind. Not like I ever push you away or try to not think about you. But, honestly even if i don't i'd rather not think about you yet still i'd rather. When I think about you I want to call and call I do but you've fined the art of not talking to me. I miss you. Period. I love you and there's not two ways about it. You're one of the few people in my life I'd take a bullet for.

If I didn't love you, think about you, say a prayer for you daily and want only the best for you I wouldn't have looked for you. I wouldn't have insisted and pissed them off even after they repeated over and over that you were intentionally evading me. I'm not a fool. You know I stayed behind when you showed up that morning because it tore my heart when you begged me to stay so we could talk. We made our mistakes and that's in the past. You did realize after a while what my staying behind cost me. I knew what it'd mean but still i chose to stay.

I'm not better than you. I don't have it together, I just try really hard and you know it because you remember what you told me. Not been able to talk to you anymore breaks my heart. I want us to just be family. You're a part of me so it's hard for me to not think about you, to not call and leave you a voicemail once in a while. I don't want ever to live with guilt. I know you know I care and love you.

When I asked you about her (that last night we talked) it's because you made me a promise, that night remember? that you'd return that call. In my heart I knew if you didn't do it with me it was not going to get done. Yet, I didn't want to make you do it with me because then it'd seem as though I was calling the shots and plus of course I didn't want to be there during the convo.

My eyes tear as I write this because I know he was your hero and I know I'd be worse if mine went away too okie? I don't fully understand my dear but look at me am trying. I'm here for you. I worry about you. You can't let it all go down the drain because he's gone. What if he's looking down and feeling disappointed? don't you want to try and do him proud? I want you to try so bad. If it means me coming back I'll but I won't ever let you go, no. I wouldn't live with myself if I did, i already can't.

I'm sorry she did what she did. You can't do anything to change that but do something to best yourself. I don't want to have to find out from someone else how you're or how you're doing because I know it kills you. You're driving me insane, I've very little sanity left I want it to work out for each one of us and you know I always insist on none of us getting left behind and now you're going to take that away? steal from yourself? from us? what can i do? what can i say? what will it take?

I worry about you because I know deep down this is not you. Turn yourself around. I'm drained, I can't talk to him because he is sick of me pushing him to try one more time and I can't talk to baby also because he doesn't really fully understand. I refuse to give up on you, so you best not give up on yourself because it's going to kill me. I'd want to believe you'd not give up on me. I know you, you'd put up a fight for me so am not frigging letting go, if it kills me let it

all my love,