Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Un Prospero Ano Nuevo 2009

The title translates from spanish to english as "Have a prosperous new year 2009" which is what am wishing all of you

I'm not one to do a post. Period. Let alone an end year one. But again just like the post below one today seems uncharacteristically apropos. This is not a new year's resolution post. I don't do those LOL

08 was a great year for me. Depending on how you look at it.

I hadn't planned on typing up this. But as I do a couple of my guy friends are sprawled on couches playing some PS games and sipping on some heineken. In a few hours we will all suit up and hit some new year's eve party at Hollywood. Red carpet too I might add. Hey, I can brag it's my blog. LOL jk. But seriously I don't get to do posts that often. Not because I can't but because I can't write. Period. My sentence construction sucks. I digress.

I'd like to sit here and complain how bad a year 08 was. But guess what?! I won't because it wasn't. I made it to the last day of the year. And as I sit here am overwhelmed with gratitude by how much God has done for me and how gracious, awesome, loving and merciful He has been. He has protected me and provided for me, la familia and friends.

I've had my downs alright. Hit the bottom and thought that was going to be it. But no it hasn't because right around each corner a light has shone so bright it has thrown me off. Then I've recollected, regrouped and counted my blessings from God. So above all else am grateful to God with all my soul, mind and heart for all He has done. And trust me I can't even come close to saying it all.

Secondly, my moms and siblings. Thank you for been the awesomest family. I love you with all of me and would not trade you for the world.

Thirdly, the bff, you know yourself. Those nights and days. The vacay. Here's to more to come.

My friends Sandra & fam and Suze and la familia. Rita for been such a great friend. Y'all rock and then some. I'd like to name each last one of the angels and friends God has put in my life. But I can't. But you known what the great thing is? God knows each one of you by name. So I'm sending a special prayer up for you tonight for a thousand fold blessings to befall you in the year to come in a few hours or already here depending on your time zone. I love you all.

Thank you so much, God

Friday, December 19, 2008

Christmas at Grams

I'm back to working the night shift and I love it.

This morning I sat in the lounge sipping on a cup of green tea awaiting the am shift to come and take over. Somehow I managed to sit myself right in front of the calendar which in all its glory and magnificence paraded the month of December for me to spectate on. I wasn't a happy spectator to say the least because it had not only been one of those nights at work but also because Christmas ceased to be my best time of the year a while back.

But as I sat there as if to spite me Christmas memories haunted me. And as much as am not one to do a Christmas post. This time one seems uncharacteristically apropos.

Growing up as a kid Christmas was big. I vacillate between the reasons why Christmas was so infamous back then. Besides Jesus been the reason for the season, of course. Not to mention the two new outfits. One for Christmas day and the other for Boxing day (12/26) But also that whatever my siblings and I had wanted and could not get throughout the year now suddenly seemed so easy to coax out of the folks. Now that it was Christmas.

I remember us bringing out the tree from the storage and putting it up along with all the other Christmas decor. As soon as the tree was up and running so was the Christmas music whose crooning filled up every corner of the house and the warmth that escaped the oven from all the baking that went on in the kitchen. It was all merry, good cheer, laughter, giggles and fuzziness. The house phone also seemed to ring off the hook from everyone calling to convey their season greetings. Cards wishing us a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year arrived in the mail from family and friends. During the Christmas season we were also allowed to play outside a while longer than other days.

The week before Christmas my siblings and I would be glued in front of the TV eagerly awaiting the weather forecast session that usually followed after the day's News. So anxious were we to find out if it'd rain on the sacred day or would the gods of nature grace us with sunshine.

We'd leave the city country-bound for Grams house on the eve of Christmas. Grams house was the place to be over Christmas you see. After all, all the cousins would be there and the aunts and uncles as well. Grams had the Christmas feast planned and the festivities would be underway the minute we pulled in. Plenty to eat and drink and a lot of games to play with the cousins made it that much better.

But nothing lasts forever and so our childhood didn't because at some point we grew up. And life got in the way of everyone been available to converge together at Grams on Christmas day. All of a sudden other plans seemed more important and going to Grams took the back seat. Surely, she and grandpa would understand. After all we had been going nonstop and back to back all those years. We'd make a point to go the next year or as soon as things were less hectic we promised. Like that was ever going to happen. As if it wasn't enough to break the Christmas tradition, Grams passed away early this year. I'm certain Christmas will not be the same with her gone. Not like I saw her in the last couple of years but because despite how far away I was during Christmas I always made a point to call. My friends laugh when they scroll my phone book and see I've my Grams and Grandpa's cellphone number.

Still I'll call and wish Grandpa a Merry Christmas. He must be lonely *sigh* but he is a strong man and am sure just like every year for the past 70 plus years he will wake up and go to mass. Oh, grandpa, I love you and pray for God to be your strength and solace

So those are my Christmas memories. What are yours?

Oh yeah this year am working on Christmas day so I'll probably come home, shower, crawl under the covers and sleep away the day. The last time I worked on Christmas day was in 2005 so it should be interesting.

Merry Christmas!!!

Monday, December 01, 2008

Hope. Oh Hope

what are you?
are you what allows me to cry
or the one who regroups me
Oh hope was it you
who kept me going the other day
for a better tomorrow
which one are you
the strength in me
or the holding on
without giving up
Oh hope
was that you the other night
when I could not fall asleep
you held me in your arms through the night
was it you today
when I was unsure of myself
you stayed with me until the beauty of certainty dawned on me
Oh hope
are you my reminder
when I forget
which one are you
the courage to face tomorrow
or the triumph that I made it through another day
Oh hope
are you what holds me
when all else falls through

or the one who lets it all fall apart
for it to fall back together
which one are you
the one I cry to
or the one who wipes my tears
Oh hope
are you the one who reminds me it will turn out right
or the one who makes everything alright
which one are you
the guardian angel
or the true friend
Oh hope
are you the one who lifts my heart up when am sad
or the one who tells the jokes so I can stay happy
what are you
the singing
or dancing

or both
Oh hope
are you the one who lit up the skies last night
or the one who shed light upon my path
which one are you
the prayer answered
or the one kneeling by the bedside in prayer
Oh hope
was it you
you who provided when I was convinced I'd go without
or the one who made a way

which one are you
the one set of footprints in the sand
that carries me when I cannot walk
or the extra set of footprints
that walks with me all the while
which one are you

my cry for help
or the help that comes to me
Oh hope
are you what finds me when am lost
or the one who has me wait when I return before I find myself
which one are you
what are you
are you the one
oh hope

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Don't rear your head back

let it go

in this chill and cold

don't rear your head back

and remind me of the warmth we once were

let it go

in this aloneness

don't rear your head back

and remind me of the great company you used to be

in this sadness that is

don't rear your head back

and make me revisit the happiness that once abound

in this joy unspeakable that now is

don't rear your head back

and remind me you used to be a part of it

in this togetherness that am now becoming

don't rear your head back

and threaten it

let it go

let it rest

return not

remind me not

fare thee well

and just let it go

because I will not relive the past

so let it go

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


Thank you for caring for me
when I've not cared
Thank you for loving me
when I've not loved me
Thank you for providing
when I've lacked
Thank you for listening
when I've needed an ear
Thank you for carrying me
when I've succumbed under my own weight
Thank you for a shoulder
when I've needed to put my head down
Thank you for wiping my tears
when I've cried
Thank you for lifting the burden
when I've been overwhelmed
Thank you for staying
when I've moved far far away from you
Thank you for forgiving me
when I've fallen
Thank you for your angels
when I've felt alone
Thank you for your protection
when fear has ceased my soul
Thank you for your guidance
for every path I've trod
Thank you for remaining unchanging
when I've been shifty
Thank you for being my friend
when others have disappointed me
Love me, carry me, grace me, mercy me
now and always, God

Monday, October 20, 2008

It used to be you who carried me

I used to cry to you
I used to talk to you
when I trod down a path wrong for me
when I was lost
you found me
when I was down trodden you
lifted me up
when I had not strength you
shared yours
we walked the same path
when I fell behind
you waited for me
like a soldier
if i fell you
fell with me
until I got back on my feet
when I lost my way
you helped me find it
you carried me
and you me
now am alone
it scares me
it defeats my heart
confuses my soul
I ache
but not a soul to listen
or carry me
or share faith and hope
with me
not a soul to pray with me
but me
so i soldier on and carry me
strengthen me
carry me
I carry me
I carry me

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

All About Me Right NOW!!!

Sometimes I fall it's hard to walk on shifting sand

I'm back to running. I love it. It's so therapeutic to me

I was 19. Seriously do you think you'd have done it any better?

Forgive sounds good. Forgert I don't think I can

Pain's built to last. It's not off the shelf yet

One time my kid sis was so mad at me. Now, I don't even recall what I'd done. But, she looked me in the eye and said "I wish you could just disappear!!"

Now my small sis is the most wonderful person I must have done something horrible

I love her to death

My big sis too. She's everything I strive to be. She's just so noble and modest. And she can throw an outfit together out of nothing.

And me? well me, am just the opposite but am learning. Slowly but surely.

My moms, she's the woman whose heart am after. Oh mommy what would we all be and do without you

My twin brother? the man to all of us. Love him to death to

These are the people that matter most to me. At the end of the day if they are all I've left I'll survive

My stomach hurts. Actually, scratch that it hurts right now. I've good days and then of course bad days. The pain has now been intermittent for two years. Still it's pain and it hurts :(

I'm sick of the hospital and medications. The medications are so hard on my stomach they make it worse

I'm sick of school. lol. Ain't we all? But not the dreamer definitely :)

Thanks for being a great friend to me, Shi. Oh how you make life bearable

I went on a date the other day. My dear moms (bless her soul) thought it was too soon (after the break up, y'knw?)

I felt so silly. I did not know what to wear and what not to. Then when I thought I knew I could not decide what was simple enough for a movie date. I'm just silly like that me :)

He was fun though. And he is tall (I can rock the heels and not worry am hovering over some midget lol jk). He was a real gentleman too :) So me and Shi decided to score him 2pts or was it 3, Shi?

I've not dated for the longest so I'm so lost in all this. And I just might have another date with him coming up this weekend

I'm looking forward to Friday. It's not only GNO and but also we're VIP at our all time fave . I just have to remember not to take the Famotidine that day because can't mix that with alcohol. I need a drink. It's been a painful week this

I joined bible study. So I've something to do every Thursday night. Wednesday is soccer night and now Thursday is bible study night lol wait until my work schedule flips one on me

I love my moms soooooooooooooooooo much. I could not find words for how much

Tomorrow is Thursday. One more day until Friday and then the weekend is with us. Yay!!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Honest Blogger Award

So, I got awarded "Honest Blogger Award" by the one and only, Kafo at D Unspoken.

And truth be told I was unaware of the existence of such an award and this caught me off guard.
I'm honest in my posts alright, which as you well know are mostly poems and a written post or bullets once every so often. But, I'm honest in a different way, whatever that means. I just don't know how to explain it. I say this because though am honest still I value my privacy and so I try to observe some level of discreetness .

I love reading the comments section. A few of you read through my trying to be discreet and nail it on the head. While some of you are way off. BUT, I greatly appreciate both because it helps me see how different all our perceptions are and teaches me to see things in a different light. Your comments have kept me going many a time and am very appreciative. Some of you have sent me e-mails and those too are greatly appreciated.

Rules are made to be broken, right? Or let me be the part relativist I am and say there's gotta be an exception to every rule and with that am awarding the "Honest Blogger Award" to;

Scotchie, because she (literally) lives in my mind
Supaflyshi , because she gets me
Pandave, because her posts are just hilariously honest

Again,thank you, Kafo, thanks for the award. I'm honored and flattered.

And the rules are...

1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2. Choose a minimum of 5 blogs that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with an award
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the
prize (optional).

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Notes about Me

  • If doing the right thing is right then why does it have to be so hard
  • My mind keeps playing tricks on me. The memories are an anguish. And wait who said good memories could save you (The Punisher, the movie) because the goods ones are killing me
  • I love walking at night when the streets are quiet and dark. Only slightly lit by every other streetlight on every other block
  • I love it when my earphones are deeply sunk in my ears and the blaring volume comforts me
  • I'm tired of fighting tears uncried
  • The thoughts, they sneak up on me. Unexpected.
  • I love my independence
  • Please don't only call or write when you want/need something. Because really I'll get back to you because it's just who I am. But I do feel used and isn't that not right?
  • I miss my family so much it hurts...hurts so deep
  • I miss you, BFF, miss what we once were...the relationship we had that not a soul fathomed...I miss you
  • I'm sad it came to this..sad that I can't just pick up my phone and chat, rant and vent because I just can't. It's hard
  • You..honestly it's taken you my whole life to get your life together. What's up with that? you tear at this heart that's already torn and how can it break everyday if it's already broken?
  • I give the clouds above more than just a passing glance
  • When I come close to selling out I want to reconsider
  • Yes, Scotchie these are borrowed lyrcis from I hope you dance my Lee Ann Womack
  • My head hurts. It's been hurting all week but I did fight the Flu
  • I went to NYC last weekend and had a great time!!!
  • The child in me loved walking the streets at night and oh the pure thrill of hailing down the cabs (just like in the movies)
  • I live for the day I'll travel the world
  • I think of you, you know?
  • I wish you would leave...all my life and I still don't understand why you've stayed over half a century
  • I've cried too much am out of tears
  • It's not the darkness that comes it's the light that leaves
  • Really?
  • I miss my moms..and siblings..talking isn't enough anymore
  • How is it I wake up and think this is all a joke that I'll soon snap out of? or a bad dream
  • Then I open my sleepy eyes and every last corner is filled with a touch of me or a belonging of mine
  • Oh, I don't like it anymore here
  • Mommy ***sobs***
  • I love hot showers after a long day at work
  • All my 12 patients last night were awesome
  • I gotta have green tea
  • Honey (for my green tea) counts as a 'basic' for me
  • I could live on a cold bowl of ceral
  • I put my ceral in the fridge to make it crunchier and more crisp
  • I sleep with my stereo on

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Forgive and Forget

Today I choose to forgive you
and forget
how well will I do
how quick will I forget
I choose to forgive and forget all the wrong I did you
all the wrong you did me
I choose to forgive and forget the pain and hurt I caused you
and you caused me
I forgive and forget the words said that cannot be taken back
to and by both of us
I choose to go first as a sign of humility
far be it from me that I should think am better than you
or than anyone for that matter
I seek forgiveness from God too
I pray He make both you and me
better people
we're both still so young
still with all our lives in front of us
I pray you only the very best in all your endeavors
and should fate see to it that our paths cross again in this life
I hope we'll both go about it with some decency and dignity
Yes, I truly, sincerely forgive you with all of me
Fare thee well

Sunday, September 07, 2008


I got tagged by Mona, so here goes...

1. What’s worse - Physical or Mental cheating?

2. Is it easier to forgive or forget?

3. Can men and women be ” Just Friends?”
definitely. am all philosophical and a big believer of platonic relationships coined from the Greek philospher'a name, Plato

4. Dating co-workers?

5. All expenses paid vacation to anywhere?

6. On the way to the electric chair - What’s your last meal?
A platter of e'rything seafood

7. Water parks are…?
great when you bring an extra change of clothes..gotta love them, though

8. When you are “In Love” do you notice other people?
In love? what's that?lol. Yes, I notice other people all the time

9. Is flirting cheating?

10. Would you rather have 1 great friend or 5 pals?
1 great friend

11. If someone called you a bitch would you be offended?
Why, no!! Babe in total control here (there) tsk tsk

12. Are you ok with your significant other being friends with an ex?
By all means

13. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
once bitten, twice shy

14. Favorite sport?
Frisbee at the beach

15. Is toilet paper hung over or under?

16. Do you squeeze toothpaste from the middle or end of the tube?

17. How do you feel about tanning booths?
The same way, Pink does in her song

18. Friends with benefits?
No, thanks

19. Do you believe in angels?

20. Would you rather take pictures or be in pictures?
Take them!

21. Have you ever flirted with someone you had no interest in?

22. Ever kissed a random person and then walked away?
Gracious, no

23. Would you buy bootleg merchandise?

24. What color looks best on you?

25. If you could play any sport professionally what would it be?

26. Ever break up with someone and regret it?

27. Are you a jealous person?
No, a free spirit

28. Would you ever have plastic surgery?

29. When do you want to get married?
That's not in the plans anywhere yet

30. Who has the sexiest accents?
My goodness...I'd have to kill you, if I told you

31. Next concert you’re attending?

32. Favorite song?
I don't have one in particular but I like a couple

33. Favorite movie?-
I'm at pains to pick just one

34. What’s your occupation?

35. What’s your sign?

36. Are you a beach, country or city person
A cross between beach and city

37. Best vacation spot you’ve been to?
Tsavo West

38. Have you ever had a “secret affair?”

39. If you could own a non-traditional pet which would it be?

40. Favorite show as a child?
Tom & Jerry

41. Where do you spend most of your money?
Shoes-Steve Madden

42. Are you currently working at a job that you hate?
No, not really

43. Have you ever been so heart broken that you called in sick to work?
Are you kidding me? of course, not!

44. Favorite summer drink?
Cocktails + water

45. Can you change a car tire?
Yes. I'm that self-sufficient.

46. Favorite cologne / perfume?

48. Would you consider yourself adventurous?

49. What is your My Space profile song?
Gee, thanks for reminding me I actually have a myspace a/c. They must have closed it down by really, they have to

50. Favorite concert attended?
Have I been to a concert?

51. Would you date an already attached man / woman?

52. Would you sing Karaoke in front of co-workers?
Oh my goodness, yes! Nursing school was the best. After Wednesday night clinicals @ 11pm we'd all walk in to this Karaoke bar by the hospital fully clad in our smurf blue uni scrubs, not giving a rat's ass and just sing our tired tushes away...and the next day at 630am we'd show up at clinicals all red-eyed and tired as hell. Gotta love nursing school, dude!!!

53. Can you shoot pool?
Wait, can I shoot pool? I've to be the biggest amateur there is the art of shooting pool

54. Do you like your siblings’ significant others?
I don't have any

55. Can you drive a stick?
I can overturn a stick wheels up and all, that much I know. Ok, so may be I can but my heart stops beating, literally. Oh ask my twin, while my heart comes to a halt, he just keels over and dies of laughter

56. Did you wear white at your wedding?
What wedding? oh that a pretty little black dress

57. Have you ever sat and hoped for a phone call?
Yes...from my moms and after a job interview and oh in the recent years after my G.I appointments

58. Ever skip school and spend the day at the beach?
Wow! thanks for the idea...only thing is it's a bit too late for me to get a bunch of my nursing classmates to ditch class and hit the beach

59. Favorite TV show/s?
Army Wives and How I met your mother (HIMYM). You're missing out if you don't watch this two shows

60. What do you think about gay marriage?
I'm not for it. That is just me.

61. what are you waiting for at the movies?
The Women. I even have a reminder set on my cellie's calendar. Dude I love, love the movies

62. What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas with la familia

63. Describe your fighting style: drunken master or angry monkey?
angry monkey (whatever that means). I don't do drunken

64. Piercing?

65. Tattoos?
1. left shoulder blade

66. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
steve-madden, Shoes, shoes and then more shoes and some

67. Thongs?

68. Write 2 truths and 1 lie
-I strive to live for God everyday
-I love my moms and siblings to bits and pieces
-I love school

I'm tagging Scotchie, Pandave, Supaflyshi, Gish, Nahjaj, 3TOC and anyone else not tagged please be my guest and do the tag

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

It is well with my soil

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Monday, August 18, 2008

It's My Moms Birthday

Happy Birthday, Moms!

May God's best blessings find you. May God bless you in your going out and coming in. May He guide and make the footsteps of your path straight. May His light shine on you always. May you live to fulfil all of your hopes and dreams.

We love you to pieces!!!

Friday, August 01, 2008


I have a boy twin. He's the big brother I have yet still the small brother to me. He is the most adorable and amazing man there is in my life. The brother I sat and wrote to one day in early June when my heart felt unsettled. That brother who sat down on the opposite side of the computer screen and typed back saying what made me happy made him even happier. Urging me to go ahead and do what my heart said. My heart said to leave. I woke and left alright. While everyone else thought I ought to have been a mess I smiled along and just seemed to move along and happily for what it's worth.

When I left I felt relief. No one could understand this. Why, relief? they pondered.

Lately I've been the happiest I've been. Everyone who knows me and even those who don't seem to get drawn into my joy. Not entertaining killjoys. You sail with me if you are as happy and happy.

But today's post is not about me you see but about my twin. He has done all of us proud. And now he is getting sent to the best trip ever as a reward. I just want him to know (and I already told him, one on one) how proud he has done us. How happy we all are of him. How elated we feel by his success. Go, kiddo!!!!

On another high note, today also happens to be the family angel's birthday. And that family angel would be none other than our baby sister. Happy Birthday, Lu!!! May you have many, many more and may you live to be the joyous, innocent, wonderful and cheerful thing you're. Thing and not person because I cannot believe how fast you've grown. In our eyes you'll forever remain our lil sister and baby that we all cherish and adore. Oh how you make us smile and laugh. You cute little thing you.

Ah imtellnya its nothing but joy and happiness lately. I pray it lasts. And because life is just that, life, I well know there will be days when I'll feel low and be down. But, on those days I pray I'll remember my days of joy and happiness and tap strength from them.

As much as this post is not about me, I want to thank my family and friends. Thank you, for standing by me during this year. It's been a trying year since 2008 clocked. It clocked on a snowy and very chilly night for me back East. I braved the night in my little black dress and as much as I had preferred to stay home, here I was out trying to look cheery and wish everyone a happy new year. Now I sit and the song that comes to mind is -Auld Lang Syne- should auld acquaintance be forgot? no they should be brought to mind, I sing along answering myself.

I digress, much gratitude to my family, the Jasso's, Shi and all the other angels God has put in my life. I can never give back what you've given me through this time but I just want you to know I pray for you and wish you only the best.

Heavy Rotation-Auld Land Syne
-Frank Sinatra's Irresponsible
-Who am I
-John Mayer's Continuum
-Rock4black (Courtesy of Supaflyshi)

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Beauty of Life

Eyes half closed
still i strain to stay awake
it's been a long day
I played too hard today
my neck feels a little tense
my body shivers a little
still i am happy
very happy
this does not make sense?
even that is ok
once in a while
to be senseless
to laugh along
even when you don't get the joke
and then to laugh alone
when the joke's humor finally comes to you
only you're alone
but even to laugh alone
is perfectly fine
to reminisce
a joyful moment
to fall asleep fully clothed
to have some quiet
to crave aloneness
to have great, great friends
such my beloveds
such are the joys
and perks of life
such are the extra ray of sunlight on the foggy morning trying to beat the cloudiness and light up your day
such are the only star braving the sky to light up the whole wide world just so you
have something to wish on
such is the raindrop that chooses to fall on you head only for you to look up
and catch a glimpse of the most beautiful, most fascinating rainbow

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Somebody New

"... And you and your twisted words, your help just hurts, you are not what I thought you were..."

just for today
I'll shut out the night's cold breeze
with my locked window
just for today I'll sleep with the music on repeat
all night long
just for today
I'll have the fan on to blow in my face
just for today
I'll let my mind wander on to tomorrow
just for today i'll let little girl in me be afraid of the dark
and so I'll leave the light on through the night
just for today
I'll let the child in me come out and play
just for today
I'll let my mind trick my soul
into believing there's a monster in the closet
and behind the shut door
just for today
and today only will I let myself think about the past
which is actually today
you'll see me
a new person
unafraid of what life throws at me
unshattered by what life puts me through
made whole by lessons and experiences
today I'll embrace both life's good and bad
so today
I'm smiling all the way
I'm pushing myself on towards my dreams and hopes
I'm cheering myself on as I draw nigh to the finish line
I'm getting through this tunnel fast
and way past that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel
here I am, out, out of the tunnel
do you see me? a new me

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The world breaks everyone but some are strong in those broken places

The world has broken me
but am learning to be strong in those broken places
I come home
it's not the same here
there used to be portraits of a happy us here
there used to be warmth here
I used to look forward to this
Now I want to drag it out a little bit
until it's a tad darker than it already is outside
there are no more tears in me
my throat is dry
I tried to play pretend
tried to act like it came naturally
there used to be kisses here
laughter has been here
hugs once belonged here
now? not so much
no more
I just want to come in the dark and go to bed
want to wake up in the dark
and leave before I can catch a glimpse of you
before I can recount
before my mind tricks me to want it all back
before I remember I never really knew you
it used to hurt
happy stories have been written here
but happy or sad that's all in yesterday
today I've learned
and what to keep the lesson
that nothing lasts forever
but hope, hope in God
hope and faith for a better tomorrow

Monday, June 02, 2008

Carry me Lord. Carry me

Lost a little
crowded a little
clouded a little
we've not 'talked' in a while
but you listen still
in this big ol' world
amidst all the noise and clutter you hear me still
crowded as it is your arm reaches out for me
I can't see where I'm walking
I got lost
I can't trace my footsteps back to where I started
I know, I know you must be carrying
carry me, carry me
carry this confusion
carry this crowdedness
carry this cloudiness
carry this broken heart
carry this cluttered mind
carry this overwhelmed body
carry this broken spirit
carry me
carry all of me
Undo and re-do all of it, all of me
restore and renew
replenish and rejuvenate
revive and refresh

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Hair dryer & Curling Iron MIA

This post was inspired by Scotchie's blog title about not finding her dryer. I don't lye my hair. Instead I braid it all the time. I shampoo and condition it even three times a week when braided. This past Saturday was the chuck-the-braids-day aka doom's day. Doom's day because after chucking the braids I pinch every single nerve on my neck. I like it when my hair is braided because it's take away from the already naturally hectic
morning hassle.

So on Saturday I braced myself on the couch and in three hours chucked my braids. I do not know where for the first time I got this brilliant idea to chuck my braids, get my hair shampooed, conditioned and then straighten it out. I must have been tired or my mind was playing tricks on me because I managed to convince myself that my hair would look just fine and survive for the next two weeks after which I planned on getting it re-braided. The two weeks of straightened hair was meant to give it a breather before the re-braiding. Sure enough after chucking the braids I went and got my hair done and it looked great as expected. Sunday morning the genius in me went out running and by 11am my hair had shrunk and was a mess I could not fathom. Instantly my eyes got teary as I searched for my hair dryer and curling iron. I've not done my hair in a minute so the stuff was MIA or as I later recalled passed down to a girlfriend. I had to be somewhere at 1pm so I went to the store and bought a cheap one to make do. I did my hair Monday morning and after doing it this morning (Tuesday) I frantically called my braider and called off work because I could not stand it. My braider was booked all day so am scheduled to braid it tonight from 10pm and I work tomorrow at 7am. Wish me luck because tomorrow I'll be dozing off at work.

Lol did I just write a whole post on hair??? Talk about not been my hair.

Have a good hair week everyone!!!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Today I cried

My blinds are half drawn. My t.v. is on but on mute. I'm sitted on the floor, in front of my laptop, my legs crossed in my living room. My head hurts a little. My cheeks feel dry. Beside me sits a soaked Kleenex. I just had myself a good cry. My eyes are red and puffy. My lips, nose and throat feel dry. The room is dark, only lit my the t.v. light. I cried for a lot of reasons. I cried for every joy, every frustration, every time I've felt overwhelmed and not cried. I feel very sad. I need to make a lot of decisions. I called my best friend but I ended up getting off the phone b/c even he wasn't getting me. It's for a lot of reasons and no reason at all. A good cry cleanses the soul it is said. I hope mine is cleansed. This cloud too shall pass. I smile amidst this tears b/c despite getting harder as i draw near to the end of the proverbial tunnel I do know for sure things will get better. I do have faith and hope things won't always be this tough. I pray and trust God.

After all it is all part of growing up. Or is it?

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Spring Break

  • I've been on spring break for the last 10+ days
  • Its been fun
  • Doing lots of nothing besides staying under covers
  • Sleeping in, eating and watching movies
  • I could see myself doing this for the rest of my life
  • Ok, I'm kidding
  • It gets old after a while
  • You get so used to waking up to an agenda of to-do things
  • And then you've a week off and have absolutely no idea what to do with it
  • I caught up on sleep
  • And all my shows
  • I love, love the comedy-How I met your mother-
  • It was a fun time off
  • I'm not thrilled to be going back to work and school
  • But I'm also not sure I could hack staying indoors for another day
  • Ok, I know I'll be taking all of these back on Monday
  • But let's only dwell on now
  • I'm counting down to the end of April
  • Wow I've been learning growing up is totally something else
  • I love it. All the responsibility and you know the whole shebang that comes with it
  • Anyway I'm learning it's not really all it's made out to be
  • Ok so there's the fun side of growing up
  • And then there is pains of growing up
  • I'm afraid growing up is more of an ongoing process than a stage you hit then it plateaus (which actually is what I always thought it to be for a long while)
  • I'm glad it's ongoing b/c perfectly honestly I don't do well with time limits.
  • I know I'm not making a whole lot of sense
  • But growing up is a process I've been continually experiencing and also something that has been on my mind a lot lately
  • Growing up. It's everywhere.
  • It might be a bit scary but am learning to embrace it alright
  • It's when you learn to make decisions
  • It's when you learn to slow down and not be rash
  • It's when you learn to hold a straight face and when to laugh it off
  • It's learning the consequences
  • It's keeping the lessons
  • It's learning to work with what you have
  • It's selflessness
  • Growing up? it's a lot of things
  • I could not possibly write them all
  • But, I'm also learning that...
  • It's also learning to pray without ceasing
  • And seeking the best direction from God

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Allergic to Spring

  • How I got this lucky I'll never fathom
  • I believe in God's blessings more than luck
  • The only reason I like spring is b/c it's not winter. Period
  • However, I like winter too. This is b/c I'd rather be cold than hot.
  • I feel that I can control the cold by layering up
  • But the heat? even if I strip nekkid I'm still hot and the discomfort drives me kukuz
  • Don't get it twisted I love summer. Days by the pool, bbqs with friends and ice cold, tall drinks, late nights. I tell ya all the good things happen in summer!
  • The only reason I loathe spring is b/c of the pollen and dust that comes with it. I get all clogged, my throat scratchy, my nose congested and runny. You name any allergy symptom and I'm it during spring.
  • This spring is no exception
  • For the past slightly over two weeks I've been one sick puppy.
  • I always self-prescribe
  • Y'know what they say about people in the medical field been the worst patients
  • Yup that would be me
  • Hospitals make me sick. But only when am in one as the patient
  • It gets me when I've to go in there and get taken care of
  • I'm used to been the care provider
  • So anyway I self-prescribed until I realized I was getting worse
  • I called my girlfriend who's a nurse and she collaboratively made some suggestions
  • Off to the pharmacy I went and home I came laden with different medications to kill the discomfort
  • I'm way better today than I've been in the last two weeks
  • One night last week I called my dear moms (bless her soul) in tears. I could not fall asleep b/c I was getting SOB (short of breath). Yes, that's how bad my allergens get. Of course moms, being just moms stayed on the phone with me, even said a prayer for me
  • The s.o.? I fell in love with him all over again that night. He was so worried and wanted me to go into urgent care but me? I wasn't budging. So he stayed there and repeatedly said a prayer for me over and over. I was feeling very sick. But amidst it all I had this huge grin on my face b/c I mean we pray together but this was different. I was so moved, literally moved. I wanted to feel better just so he'd know his prayers were heard. He was so cute saying it over and over. I listened until I fell asleep. I love, love, love him

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Easter is here!!!

We make Jesus drag that cross
In our thoughts,
We crucify Him,

We put Jesus back on the cross
with our actions,
We crucify Him

We hammer nails on Jesus' hands
by our words,
We crucify Him,

We put a thorn-crown on His head
by who we are,in our personalities
We crucify Him

We crucify Jesus
again and again
from season to season

Yet, He remains faithful
His grace sufficient
His mercies renewed
His love steadfast
His forgiveness ample
all these given us freely

But for how long can we crucify Him?
What do we do that crucifies Him?
How can we stop it?
Do we even want stop?

Happy Easter to You & Yours and God's blessings!!!

Friday, March 14, 2008

My life in bullets

  • Thursday is the best day of my week. It's my night off. It comes before Friday, which just so happens to be my day off
  • It's spring time. The pollen, dust and all that good stuff gets me all screwed up. I'm congested. I've a sore throat. I've a cough. A stuffed up nose. My sinus are out of wack. I'm OD'ing on NyQuil, Emergen-C, and generic Sudafed.
  • Anything that will take the discomfort I'm subjected to.
  • I had a miracle on Tuesday.
  • God is real. He is awesome. He is the only person who NEVER disappoints
  • ON Tuesday I went from laughing to suddenly crying then back to laughter accompanied by joy unspeakable. All thanks and praise to GOD.
  • I can't wait for April.
  • I need spring break to get here already
  • Since I got my apartment I've been cooking religiously
  • Since I got my place I now actually look forward to coming home
  • I had my first code blue on Wednesday
  • I walked out of my client's room. A minute later a different nurse came looking for me to tell me my client was dead
  • Huh? he was a full code
  • Never before have I seen so many docs crowded up in a private hospital room
  • My moms has got to be not only the most amazing woman but also the best person in the whole wide world over
  • My s.o.'s mum is also amazingly awesome

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

So my life is real and not all about poems

I don't know how to write posts. Honestly, I suck at doing the whole paragraph thing. Or may be it's the punctuation that just gets to me. So, let's just do it in bullets.
  • I called my grandpa this weekend and he answered his cellphone. I was (and still) am thrilled. My grandma always picks it up then puts him on. But this time? it was different. Grandpa did all by himself. Woot!
  • I do not like my job.
  • I do not like my boss
  • Well I don't mind her but on some days like yesterday I just want to stand up and yell "I quit" lol. Is that passive aggressive or anal-retentive.
  • One of my pet peeves is people who misspell names
  • My boss does
  • Please explain to me how you suddenly decide to put a capital letter in the middle of my name
  • Argghhh
  • My s.o. and I've always lived in different parts of the world
  • He's moving to town in less than a week
  • I'm thrilled
  • I'd love to go to Miami for Easter
  • Both my BFF and I are broke and doubt we still won't be by Easter
  • Tomorrow is GNO (girls night out)
  • One of my girlfriends suggested PF Changs. WTH? she just killed the whole excitement. Now I do not want to go :(
  • The class I'm taking right now is driving me insane. I just want it done. Everyday there's one more thing that needs to be turned in
  • I finally decided on what to wear to my girlfriend's wedding. A black bubble dress, silver jewelery, silver clutch and silver heels. I do not want to look morbid with all black.
  • I suck at punctuation. Can you tell?
  • Most of my sentences are run-ons
  • Most if not all my friends are older than me. The youngest is 10 years older.
  • I have so much passion for church on Sundays. It's like my day's highlight.
  • I can't bring myself to talk to my cousin. She broke some bad news to me in what I consider, a very uncouth way.
  • She keeps paging me. I get missed calls from her all the time. It's been 20 days. I'm not holding a grudge, really, I just don't know what to say to her.
  • I guess I'm just disappointed. I expected way better.
  • I'm getting my own apartment. For the first time I can call a place my own. The lease is in my name. I called the gas & electric company and set up an account under my name. I'm beyond thrilled.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

My Prayer to God for You

You're an awesome person
full of wisdom
your wise words speak volumes to all of us
we sit at your feet and are awed by you

Your pride in us
causes us to shed tears
that pride that we can find nowhere else
your way to let us know you're done proud by us
the way you tell it to others

I'm sad you're left alone
you made me smile this morning
this technology makes you wonder huh?
all things in due time you say to me

You'll make it
you'll sit there alone
after every last person has left
and you're going to be strong for her and us

I shudder at the thought of your being alone
I cannot close my eyes
and see you sitted there solo
I refuse to ponder your loneliness
you've always done us proud
and this time
will be no different

I'm praying for you
that God send his angels to your door
to console and comfort you
and keep you company

I'm praying you agree to eat
eat and finish all your food
remember what they said? you now have two plates
one for her and one for you

Each last one of us is watching
rooting for you
cheering you on
we well know you'll conquer this

My heart broke for you
when she told me how much you wept
but you'll be fine
tears will cleanse you
and bring you peace

I pray you warmth
when you go to bed each night
I pray you fall asleep fast
I refuse that you'll agonize over sleep
you'll sleep right through the night
and the birds' chirping will arouse you
every morning

I trust God and know
He has brought you to this
and will bring you through it
I pray you find the strength to keep going to mass

After all is said and done
after we all pretend how much we're holding it together for you
after we all cry in private to save you the sights
after we all toss and turn in agony before we fall asleep
after we all cry as we leave and hate ourselves for leaving you alone
after we send up prayers that you remain strong
after all these and much more
you'll be the one person we'll all look up to and draw strength from
you'll be the one person who will keep each of us going
you still we'll be our one guide
of this I've no doubt