Tuesday, September 25, 2007

'Sympathetic' Tuesday

One of the patients I had today was this cute 20y.o. guy, so cute you just want to hug him and tell him it's going to be fine but then you see in therapy that would be what is called fake reassurance not to mention we have a no-touch policy so the hugs just wouldn't happen. but this kid was so sweet and to think he has a mental issue he'll have to tackle and live with for the rest of his life just breaks my heart. he is there b/c he tried to commit suicide but when you think of it he is just a 20y.o. who hasn't even experienced life then he realizes he can never hang out with his age mates, never be 'normal' b/c he is 'different' in a way few perceive ah it gets to me.he has schizophrenia which is the worse psychotic illness and am supposed to sit there with him and try be as therapeutic as i can and say what? then he looks me straight in the eye and tells me that he is just 'not social' he is trying to tell me he has no social or doesn't know how to socialize but no its not that he doesn't know how it's just that it's one of the symptoms for this illness, the medical term for it is, asocial, and unfortunately he even has no clue about that, so gently i explain it to him. by explaining i'm trying to help him feel less guilty and different when he isolates himself from others b/c something in him tells him he doesn't 'fit' in the crowd. well am not supposed to be sympathetic God knows even i can't stand it when someone tries to feel sorry for me. am supposed to be empathetic. sometimes am like forget all of that let's be real this kid will be stuck in this life for the next however long and each morning he'll wake up and each night go to bed trying to fight these demons and voices that tell him to be paranoid or to jump a bridge or to slit his wrists.it kills me i mean am supposed to just sit there and be therapeutic? he needs me alright i know that but please just shoot me b/c i feel so sorry for him and it's hard sometimes to not wonder if there is a possibility to trade places but God have mercy.see this is the problem sometimes i bring it home with me, i meet a patient and they stay with me somehow and i can't shake them off. anyway let me stop i bet it's my career and i've to learn to be the best i can each day and make it less personal. still it tags at my heart somehow i love them all with a love that i can't explain leaving them each night and finding them the next morning does me proud b/c living their lives takes special people and every single of them is exactly that, a special person.

Saturday, September 22, 2007


Standing here waiting
the soft breeze gently blows
into me

Yesterday had been summer
today is almost fall
the sun is out
halfway visible
the other half safely hidden by the
lingering yet threatening rain clouds

My body longing
for the summer heat yet
craving and soaking up in
the moderation of a fading summer
and the beginning of winter

In this moment of reminiscence
my body celebrates the near end of a season
yet the mark of a new,embracing it
with layers of warm clothes
and an umbrella at stone throw distance

Ah, the bliss of changing seasons!

Friday, September 14, 2007

My moms

Most Oustanding Mother,
My moms
Thank you, for being my best woman,
and person on earth
I celebrate you in all ways

For your tears, I pray laughter
Hard times, I pray better days
In weakness, I pray strength
In darkness, light
Clouds, that the sun,
shines again

Thank you,
for your wise words,
Warmth in hugs,
Ear that listened, listens, will listen
Eye that sees before it is
Hands that make scrumptious food
give special touches
Voice, that prays, to lift me up

I hear your strong voice
Full of courage, assurance, wisdom
When I'm lost or torn
It directs me, mom

Reminds me of who you made me
Your wise words
That I can't wait for life to be
I have to create it
They guide me, mom

For instilling godliness in me
Thank you,
for now I seek solace
From God,
My pillar, and tower of strength

Thank you,
so close,
so one,
together in spirit

Mom, I celebrate you yesterday,today and tomorrow.

I'm more of a nester than dreamer, literally, in every way you can think it. I hardly recall what I dream. However, this morning it was different I remembered dreaming about my moms last night. The s.o. and I have this 'agreement' his mother=mum and mine=moms. I've called mine, moms, since I can remember. She's the #1 person in my life, she knows it, I say it to her over and over and some. I think I just miss here a lot...*sigh*

I wish y'all had a beautiful week and your weekend stays the same or/and better :)


Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Psychiatric Tuesday

f/actual difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist. a psychiatrist is an MD (medical doctor), a psychologist on the other hand isn't. Hmm...interesting,who would have thought it? psychosocial isn't exactly my cup of tea but what can i do right? the orientation was spooky.i oriented to the ECU(elopement care unit), this is where they lock up psych pts(patients) who pose danger to themselves and/or others. the place was literally a dungeon. they were all walking up and down.pacing the hallways. i could almost immediately tell they were not with it or were out of it...attitude is everything, i'll remain positive and open-minded. i want to leave a lasting impression. it's going to be a very intensive learning and involving process. it goes both ways, i'll not only learn about my patients but about myself too, it's going to be an eye-opener. my patience, which is close to nil, will be tested and challenged. they'll try to manipulate me but in everything i've to be the professional, i've to carefully choose my words, everything i say or do (verbal and/or non verbal) is required to be therapeutic. the way i react to the pts reciprocates.if they sense fear from me, they too become afraid and sensing me as the 'danger' might attack me in self-defense.however if i remain calm, they'll sense the calm and act the same. all said i got a ton of info to look-up, compile and put together. gtg.

hope y'all having a beautiful week :)

Monday, September 03, 2007

Joy Unspeakable Monday

I just now got the final score i've been waiting for forever, well not literally, since saturday yes you guessed that right it's been a time of agony between saturday and today, i tossed and turned, i barely ate, it was literally killing me to know, i wanted to know so bad but it wasn't going to happen until today so i slowly, with as minimal impatience and agitation as i could, mastered the art of sitting pretty and stopping myself from pulling out my hairs one by one, but had i opted for the latter it'd have been less painful than the wait but the wait still was so worth it, so much so you'd not understand. I went through refreshing my inbox every second, no, i don't have anxiety disorders, just impatience and this very weekend, as i read the bible, my petition to God was for me to achieve the fruits of the holyspirit, patience, especially. I'm still working on it and am very graetful to God. I knelt, my knees before God, my hands up in gratitude and joy, joy unspeakable. Thank you God, thank you. Then, of course I called my dear sweetmoms and passed on the joy bug, yaay! I just told the s.o...