Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I'm sitted at work. Bored to oblivion. I have this huge project sitting on my desk but for some reason i won't do it. I'd rather gaze, zone or whatever you might call it. Today is just one of those days. Those that i'd rather do nothing but sit and lose myself in my thoughts, memories and recuperate.

I love to read, anything but school books,politics and history. Anything i lay my hands on i peruse and bury myself in. I love reading blogs, actually i enjoy it. I'm addicted to post a secret may be because i'm entirely made up of those, every teensy bit of me.

I want to say alot of things but i don't know how or where to start

So I'll say a few...

  1. For a long time i was sure i didn't want to get married
  2. Lately I do but most often than not i'm sure i can't handle it
  3. I'm very liberal
  4. Most times i'm not ready to compromise who i am or what i believe
  5. I'm used to doing things my way without anyone elses' opnion because i don't trust easy
  6. I believe in God and try to live for Him and by the standards. Nope am no saint.
  7. There's so much going on with me right now. I'm trying hard to not say it but i keep seeing and hearing it in my thoughts, actions and words
  8. I love silence
  9. I live, eat and walk solitude
  10. A few months ago i thought i was an almost complete puzzle but each day i realise some pieces are still undone...
  11. It's sad how you can want something for so long then when you have it doesn't mean the same
  12. I miss those days
  13. This week memories keep flooding my mind, each minute of everyday i remember something from the past
  14. I can't explain why i have tears in my eyes
  15. It's this consuming feeling in my gut

Monday, October 09, 2006


I went to mass AGAIN! Ahem. I realised i have forgotten the Apostles' Creed. Wait what? did i ever really know it?? matter-of-factly if just for a sec i did way back then. Mass was on divorce and since i know you can't wait to ask,yes i missed the sermon AGAIN. This is getting serious, i go to mass with intention to follow thru and actually i do but the sermon i miss? whats up with that?? Next sunday, i will try again. Yes, i'll go again and again, soon it will be story of my life.

My weekend was sad. I moved out of my old house. Yikes! It was getting irritable by the day living with a yelling landlady. I know i am weird. What everyone else seems to like and think appropriate isn't what i seem to like. If i don't dig a setting, i don't and no matter what i won't so just let me be. I'm a loner. I like who i am. I don't like been around people. It don't matter if they are friends or not. I easily get bored. Easily as in snap fingers easily. I'm moody. Red robot or no red robot. I have been working on that and boy have i come a long way. Thanks dad for always inquiring. Asking if i stopped and letting me know not everyone if anyone will understand me.

I moved out b/c my landlady kept picking fights with me for not talking. According to her i came home and went straight into my room and guess what? she was so damn right. I love my space. I love my privacy. I love my solitude. Suffice, to say i love my own company. Now you wonder if i do get lonely? sure as hell i do. But i don't obssess over it. I get spells of it. It comes and goes. I have learned to deal it. I can handle it b/c i'm a big girl. I love where i moved to so far. It's a temp place. I hope it works out. Each time i move houses it makes me sad. It makes me feel like i am starting all over again. For most people moving is fun besides the packing and unpacking part of it. But, for me its a pain. Don't get me wrong am all for change just not the change that comes with my moving.The only upside about this move was that i finally found my lost-since-January turqoise ring. Woot! I got it when i turned 21. The move's downside was that i trashed so much stuff. Clothes and shoes and so much more. How very sad :(

It's another Monday. Days are flying...

I miss my family. I lost my uncle. Death is sad. It tears me apart. When i close my eyes i remember him very well. I can hear him talk. I can see him. I haven't prayed about it yet b/c i know when i do i'll break down. I'm zoning and been zombie about it for now. In my heart of hearts I pray God rest his soul in eternal peace. It's just so sad...Sunday was also my late cousin's memorial service. I hope you are at peace, Herbert. I miss you. Why couldn't we all just die on the same day so there would be no one left behind in pain and feeling lost?

R.I.P Uncle Joe

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

The 'glamour' of smoking

Smoking. It used to be glamorous(to me and am sure it is to some people). The whole gist of holding a cig in between those fingers. The feeling of the cig between the lips. Oh the art of holding the smoke in for a tad longer than everyone else and then releasing it via the nostrils then the very last of it out of the mouth and not coughing, not a tiny bit. In the club one hand on the drink, the other holding a cig. Thank God they are banning smoking in clubs(so far officially banned in Washington, D.C. clubs)Smoking wasn't just glamour, it was class. I know a cigar is too damn sexy BUT...

In high school most of the girls i hang with smoked. I had the urge but coffee breath is bad enough for me so toping it off with a cig, i wasn't gonna do that. There's so much associated with smoking like the way some women smoke to keep off the weight.

I used to get irritated a while back. I'd be doing my own thing when from nowhere someone would walk up to me and ask to buy one of my cigs or borrow my lighter. I used to get double PISSED!!! Why you ask? because i didn't smoke. But just from the blues they'd ask, not because they saw me smoke,NO! Someone would just eye-ball me or whatever, label me a smoker and procced to ask to buy a cig or borrow my lighter. And why for crying out loud sakes' do people ask to buy someone elses' cigs??? I know some people sell theirs alright but let the habit stop already. But the urge/thirst of seeing someone else smoke and you don't have your own will totally get you borrowing imtellnya .

I had dreamt and fantasized about smoking so much that one night while out when a friend offered me a cig, w/out a second thought i went for it. The most interesting thing is i could not convince my friend i had never smoked before because said friend thought i did it as a pro. I didn't even cough. I smoked away like it was the one thing i had perfected all along in my life. In less than an hour, i had smoked 5 cigs. I caught myself just in time. That was the discovery of yet another of my downfalls. Fortunately, i turned myself around and put a stop to it the same night. The next morning i hated myself, from how i smelled to my breath, ugh, i could very much have gagged from it and my throat felt so jerked up.

Now it breaks my heart to see someone smoke. Blame it on my nursing proffession in progress. Coincidentally, right now i am studying respiratory diseases and the no.1 killer is COPD(Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). I don't hate smokers, have nothing against them.Can't cast stones because i darn been down that road. All i know is smoking is a bad habit that kills.Worse still is that second hand smoking is just as bad as first hand.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Another Week

I'm one big mess today. A sleepy mess. Yestenight one of my classmates asked me if i ever suffer from sleep deprivation. I said yes(partially). I don't sleep more than 4hours most nights and i know that's wrong. Now, that don't mean i'm always walking around like a zombie just because i didn't get enough sleep,no. If anything i hardly notice it until it comes crashing then i gotta take a power nap or get a caffeine fix, double shot, extra hot. Yes, I'm a coffee addict. I would quit but that's no an option from my part of the world.I take lots of power naps on the bus though lol You'd think i'd read more on the bus but W.T.H?! me i black out sometimes. I can't even start to tell how many times i've missed my stop or how many times i've kept sleeping and the bus has gotten to the last stop aka bus terminal and a kind passenger has shook me awake ROFTLOL. I digress...

The weekend was ok. Got some reading done. Someone help, i'm getting hooked on the library. Suffice to say, if you know me, i loathe the library. I dislike the whole act of that serious library face-mask people wear,argh! I loathe that feeling that comes with been in the library.I agree we all have our own ways to study but me when someone walks in, that's not disturbance, i look right up and if i know them i might just wave a hello, what? but you trust me i never know anyone in the library ha! I check my e-mail in the library, i myspace in the library, i bankonline in the library, i do anything and everything in that oh suppossedly house of silent studying hahaha, i'm goofy like that. But seriously it's kinda erie to just hang around all those books and all that knowledge don't you think?

It's another week already! Time is leaving me behind another week has past and still i haven't caught up yet...These days are just slipping from underneath me but woohoo that's how fast school is moving too so you bet no complains :) *woot* *woot*

Monday was just monday you know how it is, bluuuueee. On my way to class. I was sitted there waiting on my bus, talking on my cellphone. Not a care in the world, laughing away with the person on the other end unaware of anyone or anything in my surrounding. Sitted there my legs at per with my body(i love doing this) he appeared from nowhere, just like that, right infront of me. Was i dreaming? NO. Was I shocked? NO. I knew one day our paths would cross again, if just for one last time and they did yesterday. In retrospect, to those days is there anything to say? none i can think of...

I have so much to do this week, wish me well.