Friday, April 27, 2007

Last night

I fell in love with you,

all over again

last night

It's what i needed to come home

to last night

after a long day

I walked through the door

and there it lay

on the table awaiting me

instantly my lips broke into a secret smile

The minute I saw it

I knew, knew

It was your doing

rushing to my room

I ripped it open

losing myself in it

With each line

my smile broadened

my face lit up

from within my heart

I fell in love with you,

all over again last night

just reading it

oh how much pleasure you give me

This warmth crept upon me

as I re-read it

with each blush

I let every word of it sink

engraving in my heart and soul

I got into bed,

said a prayer,

with a smile on my face i fell asleep

loving you today more than I did yesterday

Falling in love all over again

with you, last night

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

A walk remembered

Call me if you feel 'funny'
she says
stop I tell her
I won't

I don't think about it
until the time comes

We gather,
then disperse

We walk
our laughter fills the air
a step a head of everyone
I wonder
will i hear those laughs again
will we do this again
laughter penetrates the quiet, calm night

You're so quiet they always say
are you ok?
how are you feeling today?
my answer, always the same
just simply, ok

I get off,
look around,
a tad darker
a tad quieter
a tad more scared than I was yesterday
may be, really I should find a different way to do this

No, my alter ego argues
you've done it so many times
what makes today different

Left hand in pocket, right out
I start the stroll
at first i quicken my steps
then i think to myself
easy does it
slowing myself down
I take a deep breath
I can do this
through Christ who strengthens me
who watches over me and keeps me safe, secure

He is going to watch over me
Him who watched over me yesterday
Surely,He will watch over me, He who
has watched over me all these years

The night is asleep
the streets abandoned,
the roads empty
do i hear voices?
i turn around,
my right hand getting a tighter grip

Stay focused, I tell myself
you're almost there
my eyes dart around in the dark
I can't wait to get there

I'm almost there,
I see it around the bend,
I'm home, safe,
I kneel beside it
and thank God

He has planted guardian angels
on paths i trod
because He already knows where I shall trod today

He can stay but unless HE stay
I won't be safe, I'd rather HE stay
so goodnight my love

I've realised what I'd do without God
I'm nothing without God

Letter to L

Dear L-

You make me very sad. I think about you every other day. You just seem to invade my mind. Not like I ever push you away or try to not think about you. But, honestly even if i don't i'd rather not think about you yet still i'd rather. When I think about you I want to call and call I do but you've fined the art of not talking to me. I miss you. Period. I love you and there's not two ways about it. You're one of the few people in my life I'd take a bullet for.

If I didn't love you, think about you, say a prayer for you daily and want only the best for you I wouldn't have looked for you. I wouldn't have insisted and pissed them off even after they repeated over and over that you were intentionally evading me. I'm not a fool. You know I stayed behind when you showed up that morning because it tore my heart when you begged me to stay so we could talk. We made our mistakes and that's in the past. You did realize after a while what my staying behind cost me. I knew what it'd mean but still i chose to stay.

I'm not better than you. I don't have it together, I just try really hard and you know it because you remember what you told me. Not been able to talk to you anymore breaks my heart. I want us to just be family. You're a part of me so it's hard for me to not think about you, to not call and leave you a voicemail once in a while. I don't want ever to live with guilt. I know you know I care and love you.

When I asked you about her (that last night we talked) it's because you made me a promise, that night remember? that you'd return that call. In my heart I knew if you didn't do it with me it was not going to get done. Yet, I didn't want to make you do it with me because then it'd seem as though I was calling the shots and plus of course I didn't want to be there during the convo.

My eyes tear as I write this because I know he was your hero and I know I'd be worse if mine went away too okie? I don't fully understand my dear but look at me am trying. I'm here for you. I worry about you. You can't let it all go down the drain because he's gone. What if he's looking down and feeling disappointed? don't you want to try and do him proud? I want you to try so bad. If it means me coming back I'll but I won't ever let you go, no. I wouldn't live with myself if I did, i already can't.

I'm sorry she did what she did. You can't do anything to change that but do something to best yourself. I don't want to have to find out from someone else how you're or how you're doing because I know it kills you. You're driving me insane, I've very little sanity left I want it to work out for each one of us and you know I always insist on none of us getting left behind and now you're going to take that away? steal from yourself? from us? what can i do? what can i say? what will it take?

I worry about you because I know deep down this is not you. Turn yourself around. I'm drained, I can't talk to him because he is sick of me pushing him to try one more time and I can't talk to baby also because he doesn't really fully understand. I refuse to give up on you, so you best not give up on yourself because it's going to kill me. I'd want to believe you'd not give up on me. I know you, you'd put up a fight for me so am not frigging letting go, if it kills me let it

all my love,


"Words kill, words give life; they're posion or fruit--you choose." -Proverbs 18:21

Words are powerful. They heal or break. It's amazing how many words have been created and continue to be created from an alphabet of 26 letters. It totally blows me away. Some of these words very blessful, others downright curseful.

Now that i think about it, life is all about letters.Letters that make up words. Same way there's the "Numb3rs" t.v. series me thinks they should start one called "Letters".What i say to anyone sometimes really bothers me. I always strive to say words that uplift. Now i'm no angel or saint not even close but i don't find harm in trying. I always want to try, try to better best.

In a multitude of words there lacketh no lie. Usually am a quiet person unless am overly comfortable with you, only then do i run mouth.

Too many a time someone has said words that have broken me, broken my spirit, torn me apart, thrown me off, and even leaving me lost and confused. On countless occassions someone has said very blessing words to me and i've felt uplifted. I too have said both mean and good words to others.

As I grow up each day i realise just how powerful words are. Whether written or said, words remain words. Words cannot be taken back. Once they leave the mouth or are put down it's hard to take them back or justify them otherwise .

From what is abundant in the heart speaketh the mouth. I'm the words I speak. Words that come forth from the mouth is what is in the heart. Be it love or hatred.

I agree sometimes we get caught up in the heat of things and say things we wouldn't be caught dead saying or say words we don't intend to or don't mean. However, we've to learn to reflect and think ahead. Think what the effect and aftermath or consequence of the words about to be uttered or written is.

The words we are they positive or negative? do the words build or corrupt?All this lies in the power of the tongue. Which we very much have control over.I pray, hope and trust God to help me best and refine how i use words that leave my mouth, words i write and even what kind of words they are. Again I discern self-control.