My 2009

Oy! Idk where to start. This has been quite the year. As I write this the 70's show is on. I just stepped out of the shower after nursing a bad migraine all day. Now as I sip on my first drink to kick off this not so merry season it's not as chilly a blessing I'm grateful for today.

I vividly remember this time last year. I was at church for the Christmas service w a friend. On the actual Christmas day I had gone to the theater and watched Will Smith's Seven Pounds en route to a Christmas dinner w a friend's family before work that night. On New's year eve I was out of town w friends enjoying a few strawberry confusions. Now that I think about it I could really use a strawberry confusion nevermind the rum lol really anyone up for dinner at BJ's?

If there's something I've learned this year is to live life to the fullest. Cliche right? still that has been a lesson that has been reinforced over and over to the point of me yelling "I get it!!!" at the top of my lungs from too many tragedies this year :( I've gotten on my knees and prayed. I've prayed that yes I'll live today as if it were my last day (and yeah failed immensely), I'll love them more, forgive before sunset aka hold no grudges, I'll call everyone often, say I love them at the beginning of each conversation but not in a rushed way at the end, I'll hold my hand over my loved ones' mouth and say they do not need to repeat it but really I do love them and remind them how much they mean to me, I'll pray more, read my bible more, dance more, live a little more, kiss with my eyes closed, hold hands under the covers, not go to bed angry. And so I've done at least tried my best. Until that call or/and message has come and thrown me off over and over again, trusted less, the sacred has been torn from me/us and yet the world has gone on like my loved ones never lived nor existed expect to us. No fair! I digress.

Still there have been a lot more blessings like him and how he will comb the streets to find me a malt and not just the good ol' plain shake. My beloved family and friends. The perfect song for every moment, hours and hours of phone calls w my very extraordinarily loving mom, the great relationship I have w my mom, my siblings and how awesome and amazing they are, my paps because he knows to say the right thing each time we talk, a chilled glass of red, answered prayers, endless sex & the city seasons and episodes, my 2nd boyfriend tivo (oh how I love him), shoes, boots and scarfs, a shaken not stirred drink, cheerful text messages, calls that have lifted me up and loving messages, tights and long tees, my couch which I sleep on more than my bed, a walk in closet, long and passionate kisses, hugs, hugs, hugs, old-fashioned letters in the mail (ha!) a bowl of oatmeal w lemon (m'm! m'm! m'm!), readers like you, clean crisp bedsheets, good books, long walks w my Shi on the phone, great, never ending, sometimes very random conversations that have kept us up almost and even all night w my Shi, graduation and a blissful month w the folks during the summer, my zune, oh my zune how I love you lol, stupid moments, the amazing GodChicks daily steps devotional *ty to MoMo*, ahhhh facials w MoMo, great reads (posts) on your blogs, perfect fitting bras, and I could go on and on and on and never stop so please you must allow me to stop here and go no further.

Yet I'm ready for 2009 to end hoping it takes with it this year's tragedies and brings some brand new blessings upon us and ready to see 2010 turn things green again for my family and I and you too!!!

I dare not forget our fallen beloved loved ones. I'm certain w/o a doubt this Christmas you're ALL in a much much more merrier place kicking it w the angels and your souls are resting in unfathomable peace.

RIP Aunt Catherine

RIP Grandma Alice

RIP Uncle John

RIP Uncle Joe

RIP Grandma Rachel

RIP Uncle Ben

RIP Uncle Joel

RIP Cousin Ben

This is for our fallen 'soldiers' we miss you although you gone we with you...gone 'from battle field' life is so fcuking real. We don't want more funerals...don't want more burials

Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad :)

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas & an exceedingly prosperous New Year!!!

Nipped in the bud

he left us too young

twenty days ago today

a young man so full of life

they said he lived a legacy

the poll bearers his young friends

they lifted him up in the air

said they had lost a hero

a hero he was on earth

and on his last journey on earth

he'd be so up up up they carried him

I believe they even said his swagga was UP

and that his passing was a loss to them

and the community

nipped in the bud

here today

and gone not tomorrow but today

the sacred torn from us

shattered

broken

we felt unheld

yet we knew still we were held

gone just like that

such a young soul

full of life

so promising

they came in hundreds and hundreds

gave him the best send off

bid him farewell

hopeful to meet him across the shore

Easy like a Sunday morning

I slowly rolled

my right foot steadily on the brake

behind another

as we all lined up

all under the same sentence

a red light

headed to different places

not a clue where any of us

was coming from or was headed

for all we knew we could have been headed the place

but how could we?

all sheltered behind our windows

and doors

some windows up to keep out the chill

others down to enjoy the fresh morning air

and Sunday quiet

so nonchalant about each other's existence

still under the same sentence the red light

finally turned green

we rushed to our different destinations

some a bit hurried than others

probably not sure what the day held for us

some with plans

that would fall through

and others not

isn't such life?

such is life

c'est la vie

Oh Misery

oh me woman of little little faith

when did i start to falter

when did i start to believe less in myself

when did i stop hoping

and trusting

and having that convinced beyond a doubt feeling

when did i stop been that woman

who holds her head up high

as she shovels sand against the tides

when oh when did i allow myself

to wallow in doubt

and, oh! i've been down this road before

where my faith

it turned into disbelief

and now as doubt sneaks up on me

i refuse to get caught again

the wait

it's killing me this waiting
i turn and toss
the thoughts torture me
day after day
can i know already
can it linger any longer
yes i'm consoled that though it linger
it shall come to pass
still i wonder
still i rack my brains
yet i dare not doubt
i trust
i hope
i believe
my faith is set in Him
so despite the wait
i'm already a victor
i've made it

written in stone

I'm going back to the place I started
seeking thee
needing thee
wanting thee
expecting thee
discerning thee
crying for you
words written
so whoever sees it may run with it
though it has lingered
i trust
i hope
i pray
i doubt not
it's coming to pass
this desire
this passion
this prayer
not my will but thine

Getting to Know Me

Getting To Know You

Copy all questions, write responses, and tag yourselves, blogger pals.


1. What time did you get up this morning?
-0700

2. How do you like your steak?
-medium rare (thanks to Jimmy)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-the Hangover-hilarious and craazzzzzzzzzzy movie

4. What is your favorite TV show?
- army wives

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
-Greece

6. What did you have for breakfast?
-two cups of green tea

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
-Thai

8. What foods do you dislike?
-anything mushy (and not mashed potatoes those are MASHY)

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
-anywhere with calamari as an appetizer and a great "atmosphere"

10. Favorite dressing?
-balsamic vinaigrette

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
-i'm driven

12. What are your favorite clothes?
- all things comfy, tights and a long tee, jeans w/cute tee

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
-depending on what's in the cup but mostly 1/2 full

15. Where would you want to retire?
-Kenya

16. Favorite time of day?
-sunset/evening but i love the sunrise if I'm out there working out (read: never)

17. Where were you born?
-KE

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
-rugby and soccer is beginning to rub on from my trillion guy friends

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
-idk

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
-idk

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
-all of y'all blogger pals

22. Bird watcher?
-if they're about to poop on me

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-actually both an early bird and a night owl

24. Do you have any pets?
-Used to a yorkie, Milo miss you my handsome boy

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
-I love God a little more today than I did yesterday

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
-I always wanted to be a tout. I thought they were cool peoples. You know from the way they dressed to the whistles and language. I. w.as so.ld. Talk of a dreamless kid right!? a few years down the line my grandma (RIP) was diagnosed with Cancer and I knew with all that I was I was cut out to be in the medical field with a specialty in oncology and now I love love what I do

27. What is your best childhood memory?
-Going to the horse races with paps. We never lost a bet. HA!

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
-I'm allergic to cats thanks to my sinuses and therefore see #24

29. Are you married?
-nay but some guy proposed last night haha

30. Always wear your seat belt?
-the other night my uncle and I are driving home and we are like literally a minute away from the house and it must have been like 3am and he's sitting beside me and suddenly I can feel him in the dark fumbling for the seat belt and a second later I hear the click sound signifying he was buckled up. And I go like whatchu doing willis!? and he tells me to always buckle up despite how close I am to getting where I am going. And I look at him not queit seeing him in the dark and think "whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?!" LOL but seriously now I buckle up all the time infact I used to drive this car that wouldn't start before all the seat belts clicked LOL whatevs. Seriously, y'all click it or ticket

31. Been in a car accident?
-yes

32. Any pet peeves?
-dishonesty, uncleanliness

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
-sausage

34. Favorite Flower?
- white roses

35. Favorite ice cream?
-half vanilla, half coffee mixed with crushed almonds...mmm little piece of heaven

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
-In & Out bebe!!!

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
-Zero

38. From whom did you get your last email?
-My uncle from #30 and it's a shame I've not yet replied

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
-Steve Madden. Shoes and purses bebe!!!

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
-I partied on Friday from 1900hrs to Saturday 0530hrs and at 0630hrs I was hiking the highest point of the city of San Diego. Cowles Mountains 1592 feet. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

41. Like your job?
-I love my job

42. Broccoli?
-yes if I pre-Beano or post-gas x (gas on your mind?!)

43. What was your favorite vacation?
-Los Angeles w the folks

44. Last person(s) you went out to dinner with?
-J & M

45. What are you listening to right now?
-Wash Away by Joe Purdy

46. What is your favorite color?
-black (but my family and friends have convinced me to start shopping and wearing more colors) what can I say in my defense I'm a newyorkian at heart

47. How many tattoos do you have?
-One, left shoulder blade

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
- please tag yourselves, blogger pals (-:

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
-2143hrs

50. Coffee Drinker?
-nay. green tea guzzler

Life & Death

it's the glasses that sit on the floor
how we convert a decent contemporary living room
in to a camp
things lying around on the floor
empty glasses
a shoe here
a sandal there
a comforter here
a halfway full bottle of water under the table
movies strewn on the carpet
c'est la vie
this is life
like squeaky plates set on the table for dinner
so clean, pretty and bubbling with life
until food is eaten off of them
then they aren't so clean anymore
and now a pile of dirty dishes spills out of the sink
so lifeless
so used
so trampled upon
slowly life sipping out of it
and death quickly replacing it

p.s, I just found out I lost another nursing school classmate. My heart is broken but how can it be broken while it has been broken all along. Last month it was my good classmate and the month before a close family member and somewhere in between all that my good good friend lost her sister. And I'm overwhelmed and at a loss for words.

The joke's on me

this is all too familiar
the deserted pavements
a few people here and there rushing
out of life
late for a coffee date
or to pick up a kid
better still done for the day
the buildings stand tall
as if in eager anticipation
of the return of them all
them who crowd the place
I enter the building
it too not bursting at its seams
only a few people here and there
a few like me
back ups sitting on the floor
pages turning
highlighters coloring the tables
so quiet
I'm distracted by the guy tapping his foot
on the carpeted floor
oh my heart aches at the nostalgia of it all
my soul longs to see the end of it one day

The angel of death attacks me again

All I seem to write about here lately is death. The spirit of death has loomed over me this year.

Tonight I just found out my good friend from nursing school died in a car accident. She was only 24. Just 24. I mean when did we start going so young? my heart is broken. It was not even about healed from the family tragedy we suffered in March and now this?

In my mind I keep seeing her in class. In class she sat on the right side of the very front row. I sat in the back so I had a pretty good view of her. And now in my mind that's all I see. Her bent over the books trying to find a certain chapter, quickly scribbling notes as the prof blabber mastered on, her fishing for a highlighter in her back pack to highlight the chapters that would be tested on the next exam, her hand up either to answer questions or ask some.

I see her sitting right there next to my other good friend and my heart breaks over and over again. I cannot wrap my head around why her and why so young and why after going through the grueling nursing school? I almost want to say what a waste but then again what will her family and friends say? how they must feel I cannot imagine.

Pray for Kara to rest in peace and for her family and friends to find hope and strength to carry on.

You Only Live Once Make Sure It's Enough

Happy Birthday

Today you'd have been 38. I look at the pictures and think they gotta be kidding me. I know you're gone but it's so hard to accept it. I keep expecting that random call or text. I keep expecting you to walk in. Looking at pictures is the hardest because it was just the other day and you were so full of life. I look at those pictures and think no he can't be gone but I know you're gone because it's been a while since we've talked or seen each other. Dos Equis not only urges us to stay thirsty but also to live life to the fullest and I'm convinced beyond doubt they did that new commercial for you. And yes I know for a fact they must have it on tap there for the special angel you're.

Today, for the first time in 5 years we went out and bought our own drinks. We dressed up, got in the car and went out. How strange was it for you not to be there? you the person who always ordered our drinks and made sure in our staying thirsty we didn't stay thirsty? how odd was it for us to dance and not have you hovering over us ensuring we were having a good time? but we did because we know it's what you'd have wanted us to do. It's what you want us to do from up there, live life to the fullest because if there's one thing we're forced to learn from your unexpected demise is that life is fleeting and oh no we don't call the shots on this one.

RIP. We're staying thirsty for you, remembering you, loving you, missing you, thinking of you and trying to fit the shoes you've left behind for us to walk in despite the difficulty of living up to your standards and the person you were because indeed you were one of a kind and cannot and NEVER will be replaced.

Today, we love you in death as much as we loved you in life.

Celebrating You

It's one month today since you've been gone. We celebrate a life well lived and accomplished. A life well lived is well worth recording. A life full of laughter, joy and reaching out to others.

You were a star and still each day you shine down on us from heaven.

Shine on!!!

Artist: Robbie Robertson Lyrics
Song: Shine Your Light Lyrics

The cry of the city like a siren's song
Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long
Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky
Must be someone's soul passing by

These are the streets
Where we used to run where your Papa's from
These are the days
Where you become what you become
These are the streets
Where the story's told
The truth unfolds
Darkness settles in

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on

Don't wanna be a hero
Just an everyday man
Trying to do the job the very best he can
But now it's like living on borrowed time
Out on the rim, over the line
Always tempting fate like a game of chance
Never wanna stick around to the very last dance
Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall
Loose(?) hold your grip off the wall

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
Carry on

I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road
Maybe trying to find his way home

He's here but not here
He's gone but not gone
Just hope he knows if I get lost

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
To carry on

Our Dear

Yesterday we were together
you hugged us and kissed us
yesterday we saw you lying there motionless
this time you didn't reciprocate the touch
we put you in the ground
for the first time we left you behind
yesterday you didn't come along with us
you had to stay
and we were so sad about it
we stood around you and wept
still we felt you touch us to console us
still we had your laugh as we read your beautiful tributes
you sneaky punk
still you shone on us
still you were amongst us in your own way
today I saw you
you were the sun rays that penetrated my blinds
awakening me to a beautiful day
today I felt you
you were the strong waves that beat at my legs
as my feet sank in the sand at the beach
today I saw you
you were the ladybirds that crawled up my arms
tickling me as I lay on the grass to dry up
today I saw you
you were the sand speckles that shone
so bright even through my sunshades
today we heard you
you were the voice of reason
that wanted us to stop holing up in the house
today we heard you
you were the strong laugh
that put a smile on each of our faces
today we heard you
you were the voice that wants us to go on
as you light up our ways
today we heard you
your promise that we'll still walk the same line
despite your sudden demise
we will see you every single day
because she is you and you her
today we miss you
and love you in death
as much as we did in life

Why you?

I keep forgetting why we're gathered here? Why we are on international calls day and night? why we must fight to pick a wooden casket over a cast iron one? why my head has hurt since Tuesday? and why I can't seem to get off my feet? and why when I go to bed and close my eyes I see you and can't fall asleep? why there are tears in my eyes constantly? why I've missed class and work all week? why strangers have been calling with their sympathies? why we had to go out and buy the condolences book on Tuesday night? why we keep going shopping everyday and each morning we wake up we are out of food and have to start over? why she sits by me and says she wants to die to? why all these people are here? why I keep seeing you standing at the edge of my bed, in a corner in a room yet really can't join in? why you will NEVER walk in through that door again? why your car is parked up front and yet you're not home? why God had to choose you? why someone else drove the car you drove to work the previous night home that day? why we'll NEVER see you again? why? why? why? why? why

RIP Ben

Dear Ben,

You were a big brother to me
You watched out for me and
loved me always and took care of me and all of us really
And today when I received that phone call my heart dropped and sunk,
deeper that I thought possible,
my stomach knotted up as I gagged in my mouth,
repressing screams
and my head throbbed in the pain
as I tried to wrap my mind around it all
and comprehend it
And I dropped in the grass in sobs
because I could not believe you were gone
And as I get in to bed tonight
my heart aches and
tears I stopped all day now flow in torrents
I'll celebrate you in my crying because
it's the only way I know how
I hope and pray you're resting in eternal peace
and already watching down on us and wishing us well
Shine, like the star your were here on earth,
shine on us our dear Ben from up in heaven, shine

Listening to-Shine Your Light

Dreams

i will crawl under those covers
lay my head on the pillow
listen to my heart's beat slow down
hear my blood smoothly swish along
feel my thoughts drift away
pushed away and overtaken
by my dreams
and so
i'll let myself dream
let myself dream of places revisited
love found
lessons learned
tears cried and wiped
friends made
paths trod
walks taken
plans made
love lost
crossroads
i'll let myself dream
then I'll awake
arising to find my dreams
and embrace them

Memories of us

Are you lonesome today?
Do you miss me today?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray
To that cold winter's morning
When we kissed?
And became one?

homage to the woman I am

this woman is who she is
with all the confidence in the world
to prance around like she belongs
she won't be condemned by the society
or belittled by man's opinion
she will not save face to get by
this woman will not be put down
she does what she pleases
this woman is who she is
this woman is a woman who fears God
she has been called naive
she has been called ballsy
yet she will not apologize for her boldness
or for who she is
this woman is who she is
she has been known to have her way
and change everyone's mind
soaring to greater heights
this woman is who she is
a woman of her own

brokeness to beauty

i grabbed my bags
unsure where this road led
the falls, would they come?
the triumphs, would they last?
still i fastened the scarf
quickened my step
vigilantly following the light
some days it flickered
others it blinded me
some it went out altogether
leaving me fumbling around for my way
stumbling to the wrong path
then it shone so bright i had to start over
tightened my scarf, fastened my step
deep breath
dusk, lost
dawn, found
oh the joy!

Black? Morbid? Noooooooo!!!

I'll be attending a wedding on Saturday. Yes all my friends have decided to walk the talk and walk down the aisle. This been my umpteenth wedding since March, 2008.

I could pull a number from the back of the closet. Alright, I have already pulled out a number from the back of the closet. But it's black. My closet is almost entirely black. I'm not morbid it's just that I think black rocks and so am all about black.

However, this week I've been googling guest wedding dresses and black to a wedding sounds morbid? and it's all about lavender, yellow and the other light colors. And now am frightened. I absolutely do not want to be frowned upon for wearing black to someone's wedding. But am sure as hell not going out and buying a dress in a different color. I spent a half day yesterday trying the yellows and lavenders..er..umh not my cup of tea. ACK!! I don't hate weddings but the deciding what to wear is stealing the little sanity i have left and am trying so hard to hold on to.

So what am I trying to say? because some of you might suggest I get one in a different color but as stated above I won't be doing that. Secondly, some of you might say what the heck pull the black number on them, which is what I plan to do. Yeah I am not trying to say anything. I'm just blabbering.

I've been so busy lately I've not had time for me. I've not had a bath in a long, long time and I don't have my cup of green tea to enjoy it anymore but to actually stop me from going delirious. I need away. I need to stop and take a breather. I need to leave all this madness behind. I need a day in bed to catch up on sleep. But assignments and work and just life to put it mildly have all had a way to get in the way of that.

Attending all these weddings is starting to make me feel like am living 27 dresses. Not in the good way but in a nightmarish kinda way. Oh my friends are just getting married left, right and center and the only thing keeping them from getting married soon enough is that dates are already booked. Probably by other friends of mine which could mean another wedding for me to attend LOL I kid. Or may be not :) Which reminds me I need to go watch Bride Wars because I am 'living it'

This wedding is going to be my get away. I'm going to check into my room early enough and read a book and relax. I've not had a day off for a long, long time. This weekend am off four days in a row. Which is a piece of heaven. So I look forward to it and will not let the not having the 'right' dress (if there is such a thing. which I know some of you will argue there is) get in the way.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Oye!

Crashing Waves and Giants

Sometimes, things happen in our lives that are too overwhelming. We face crashing waves and giants. And as we stand and face the realm of the unknown, the situation steals our hope, faith and trust. And we forget. Our recollection fails us. And we begin to live in the moment of doubt, mistrust and hopelessness. Slowly everything we have believed in and held onto slips away.

But just like every storm the situations we might be in are followed by a calm and quiet. And in that calm and quiet is when our sanity returns to us. I pause and take it all in and wonder what happened to me? when I stopped believing, trusting and hoping? and it all comes back to me. I never did. I was just overwhelmed by the situation to the point of succumbing to doubt and lack of faith and hope. I want to snap out of it. I want to hope, trust and have faith in God at all times. If I lose all else I want to keep holding on to that. I want to not be afraid of facing tomorrow. I want to have enough brevity and courage to help me step out of my safety net and comfort zone and tackle the giants in my life. I want to always remember am in better hands (God's) even when I run out of faith or hope.

This morning I realized how easy it is to just focus on the bad and negative and forget the good and positive that once abound. I do not want to forget because holding onto the positive even if it's in the past helps me have faith and hope for a better tomorrow. I don't want to give in at that moment of weakness. In our trials and temptations, which are the situations we find ourselves in on a daily basis, God's strength manifests itself.

So I guess what I am trying to say is remember to count your blessings at your weakest moment (and at all times of course) and see what a huge difference it makes!!! Do not let one negative situation or moment ruin and steal all the joy you have ever experienced and blessings in your life. Every storm passes. Instead turn the ashes in to beauty and let it be like the sun shining in spite of the falling rain and thunder.

Count you blessings. Name them one by one. And it will surprise you what the Lord can do, has done, is doing and will do.


have I hang my head for too long
did i only look at the negative
have i not counted my blessings
did i forget to remember where He has brought me from
have i been ungrateful
was i feisty in my demands
have my requests been self-centered
have i not taken out the time to look back
did i only live in the present
have i only looked and seen the bad
have i forgotten
well then today my recollection has returned
today I have remembered to count only my blessings
today i look and see only the positive
today i pray not for me but you
today am grateful for what I have and have had
today i give thanks for everything He has done
done, is doing and will do.

Doubt

the lights blurred
as I walked
tears streamed my face
i was falling apart
i look out the window
look out to a happy world
behind the window a girl
so lost
in profound misery
I doubt
I doubt so much
it seeps from me into the ground
the thirsty dry ground takes it in
one minute here the next gone
like it never existed only I know it did
i doubt
i douth so much
prisoner to self
hands tightly cling to the bars
standing on tiptoes
take a peek
its all chaos still
shattered
i doubt
I doubt so much
it escapes me
permeating the air
i watch it blend in
as if it never were apart of me
and i feel empty
i doubt
i doubt so much
a girl
scared of the crashing waves
and giants
i doubt
i doubt
i doubt so much