Crying on the outside

So much is going on with me right now. I'm sad. I have tears in my eyes. What's happening to me??? I am all not for promises. But I made one to me anyway. Promised myself that i wouldn't cry on the outside anymore. Today I do though. I don't like this feeling. Lost. Confused. Sick and tired of everything. I love simplicity. Yet in my own ways am complex. I stay out of people's way. I keep to myself. I dislike feeling like am in the way. Yet now i can't shake off the very feeling. I dislike feeling torn apart. Yet that's what i slept last night.

I'm very big in trust. It takes forever for me to trust anyone. I hardly let my guard down. I don't open up. But when I do i treasure and love you and our friendship. It kills me to know i trust someone yet they don't trust me. It breaks me because what good is it then. I try so hard to not hurt others. So I fight hard to not indulge in anything that could lead that way.

Today. I am broken. I am not at peace. I'm down. A tad lost and confused. I wrote the poem below a while back and that is exactly how i feel today...


I feel empty,
Just a bit,
here and there
but I smile

I'm lost
in my thoughts
and ways
but I laugh

I never communicate
not once
but I talk
I hope to learn how to

I don't let anyone in
but I listen
I hear

I'm seeking a way
I hope to find
only me knows, very soon

I have tears in this eyes
just for now
but weep I won't

In this my silence
the absurdity of conversation
is too darn apparent

But then again you see
nothing or
no one
lasts forever

A piece is gone
leaving
this puzzle undone

I say a prayer in the secrecy
of this my heart
then it's not so bad
not so bad

I close my eyes
to this darkness
lie here in search of sleep
oh if only just to dream