I say a prayer

I said a prayer,
on sunday,
prayed you'd help me get over it
prayed you'd let me give up the denial
prayed you'd take away this pain

I sent up my petition,
sent it up to God in prayer
begged Him to accept my ammend
to forgive my confession and repentance

I said a prayer last night
begging you to help me stop doing it
I said it again this morning
in dire need of your intervention, Lord

I am sending a prayer to you God
praying you help me let it go
let you be in charge

I am sending a prayer up
to you God
praying you take charge
praying you grant me peace

I am sending a prayer up
my eyes lifted to the heavens
blinded by tears
in need of strength
in need of patience

I send a prayer up,
to you Dear God
to remember orphans, widows
and widowers

I am sending a prayer up
to one who hasn't a prayer trash can
for peace in the world
for power of love
and not
love of power

I send a prayer up
up for those who ail
those in pain,
the sick,
that Lord you make them whole
that by Thy stripes they be healed

I am sending a prayer up,
up for broken families
and whole families
that only you,God, be the head of each family

I send a prayer up
send it up to the Lord
for peace and strength to the bereaved

I am sending a prayer up
up to you Lord
for the deceased souls to rest in peace

I send a prayer up
up to my father in heaven
for each child
for each one of them is His

I am sending a prayer up
up to my provider
for everyone, every single soul in the world
that God remember each one of us

I send a prayer up
up on behalf of the needy
that Dear God only you meet our needs

I am sending a prayer up
lifting my prayer up to the Lord in meekness
for any prayer I have forgotten
that you remember it and fulfil it

I send a prayer up
my hands lifted up to worship God
my knees bent at God's feet
my head bowed
my eyes closed
i send a prayer of gratitude
a prayer of thanks,
for each prayer answered
and even unanswered

I send a prayer up
that above all
only your will oh Lord be done
because in humility i realise only then
is the best in me and everyone brought out

Troubled tuesday

I don't care,
no, not like i used to
not as deep as i did

I hurt,
very deep

My heart cannot be broken
yet the pain of the brokeness
lurks
the torment just as bad

I'm sad,
a bit sadder everyday
a little less sadder
everyday

It's senseless
it makes no sense
It does not add up

One more thing in me
shut off

where joy once lurked
looms suppressed tears
suppressed groans
suppressed sadness
anger at self

Let me be
angry if only for today

Let me cry
just one more time tonight

Let me feel lost
one last time

Let me close my eyes
torment myself one more time with
what's locked in

Let me lose myself
one more time to the memories
in the mind

Let me get schooled again
one more time hoping to keep the lesson

Let me sulk,
let me cry,
let me feel sad,
let me be whatever emotion i want be,
before i let it all go

Let me re-live
all the good moments
and times

Let me re-visit
all the fights
and sorrows, pain
that came with it

Let me lose myself
in it
With a hope to be well again

Update

I had a bummer weekend. Cried myself out all saturday day and night. I was so sad. I was thrown off. I was devastated to say the very least. I called my pops. He talked me out of the dumps. I also talked to my moms who consoled me. Sunday I woke up to a lazy, unplanned day. See I am so bad at this. I am just not used to having so much time on my hands. What to do? What not to do? Where to start? My family called again to check on me. Ahh for sure I have the greatest family. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love them more than life itself.

I spoke to BFF1 and he helped me see it in a different light. I spoke to BFF later that evening and he also helped me look at both the upside and downside. With God, my fam and my 2 BFFs put me on an Island lol

Thursday night I went out with 2 friends to the most amazing sushi place. Mmh.Mmh. I could live on Sushi. Sushi gift cards anyone?

I have been craving to read a good book for a long time now. Sunday afternoon I made a trip to Barnes & Noble got myself Jennifer Weiner's-Goodnight Nobody- My other twin got me John Mayered so I also did swing by Best Buy for John Mayer's cd-Continum- I am loving both the book and cd so far.

Thanks to God for the strength, my fam, BFF, BFF1 and R for the encouragement

On a different note: Latest quote learnt and stolen from my other twin- "Everything will be fine in the end. If it is not fine then it's not the end"

Current Mood: Content. Appreciative.
Song currently playing in my mind: Can't be without you baby

A beautiful birthday

I had a Beautiful Birthday! My pops and moms called and that totally made my day, cloud nine had nothing on me. My BFF called at midnight on Friday to say happy birthday, aww. Trust me he's a sleepy head so that was the crux. I got calls and text messages from friends. Now I am overly simple and don't care for presents or cards on my birthday. All I care is for my family and friends to remember and call or text. Simplicity does it. Simple ways make the greatest impact in my life.

I'm graetful to God for getting me by a whole year and to the start of a new one. I praise and worship Him for His renewed mercies, sufficient grace and steadfast love in my life. I thank and bless Him for my family and friends. My heart's desire is to become better person in all areas of my life with each new day. To live by example.

I went out to dinner and the movies saturday night. Watched -Good Year- not all props but a good movie to watch all the same. This was random b/c all I'd planned on was sleeping. I was in a bad mood when i first woke up. But later on i cheered up, thanks to the BFF :) I got home at about 10pm and put in an early night.

Sunday night my friend had a birthday dinner for me at her place. It was awesome. The thoughfulness. The love. The beautiful presents and touching messages on those cards.Ahh.I appreciated it all. It blew me away. I love your kindness and big-heartedness. My cake was utterly beautiful. The presents and cards brilliant! I had a great time!

Let's all have a beautiful week!!!

A few of the things that make me tick

1. My family
2. My close of friends
3. My bestfriend
4. The power of prayer
5. The assurance that God is real and will always be there
6. Typing up the reference page of the many school papers i am always doing.ugh.
7. Being content
8. Tall drinks
9. Good food
10. Good clothes
11. Good shoes
12. Pretty purses and bags
13. Quality time spent alone. My moments of solitude.
14. Talking to him
15. Long peaceful walks
16. Doing 'write-ups' on my diary
17. My yoda
18. Helping others. A candle lighting another candle loses nothing.
19. Checking the last thing on my to-do-list
20. The depth of poems
21. How i relate to some songs
22. Good music
23. Reading a good book
24. Clean laundry
25. Sweet dreams
26. The magnitude and impact of the small things in life
27. Simplicity
28. Pure, real love
29. A good laugh. Giggles.
30. Him
31. The power of prayer
32. Having a good time
33. Watching stars on a dark, silent night
34. Getting driven around. I love how fast the road moves below. How the other cars pass almost unnoticably. The silence. The lights.
35. E-mails and calls from old friends
36. Silence
37. A good night's sleep
38. How he and I connect

My birthday is fast-approaching. This coming saturday i turn 22y.o. Darn it! I'm growing old LOL. I have no plans. I am looking forward to spending some good time alone. I'd love to have my cellphone off on that day but i can't b/c my wonderful moms, my family, Him(because he'll want to bug and drive me crazy all day), and my friends will be calling hopefully. I don't want surprises. I dislike those.I'd love to sleep all day. I'll let you know how it goes...

Have a beautiful week everyone!

Crying on the outside

So much is going on with me right now. I'm sad. I have tears in my eyes. What's happening to me??? I am all not for promises. But I made one to me anyway. Promised myself that i wouldn't cry on the outside anymore. Today I do though. I don't like this feeling. Lost. Confused. Sick and tired of everything. I love simplicity. Yet in my own ways am complex. I stay out of people's way. I keep to myself. I dislike feeling like am in the way. Yet now i can't shake off the very feeling. I dislike feeling torn apart. Yet that's what i slept last night.

I'm very big in trust. It takes forever for me to trust anyone. I hardly let my guard down. I don't open up. But when I do i treasure and love you and our friendship. It kills me to know i trust someone yet they don't trust me. It breaks me because what good is it then. I try so hard to not hurt others. So I fight hard to not indulge in anything that could lead that way.

Today. I am broken. I am not at peace. I'm down. A tad lost and confused. I wrote the poem below a while back and that is exactly how i feel today...


I feel empty,
Just a bit,
here and there
but I smile

I'm lost
in my thoughts
and ways
but I laugh

I never communicate
not once
but I talk
I hope to learn how to

I don't let anyone in
but I listen
I hear

I'm seeking a way
I hope to find
only me knows, very soon

I have tears in this eyes
just for now
but weep I won't

In this my silence
the absurdity of conversation
is too darn apparent

But then again you see
nothing or
no one
lasts forever

A piece is gone
leaving
this puzzle undone

I say a prayer in the secrecy
of this my heart
then it's not so bad
not so bad

I close my eyes
to this darkness
lie here in search of sleep
oh if only just to dream