Praise

Scented candles burning
cuppa honey lemon green tea
a softly snoring lover
an empty glass of wine
a twinkling Christmas tree in a corner
lighting up our lil nest
a mind full of reminiscent thoughts
of a year past
belly laughter
tears of sorrow from loss
a hearty meal with family
desolate moments from grief
vacations in the sun & sand
sleepless nights
toasts to life
cuddles & kisses
stepping stones in life
brewing dreams
a beckoning end year
only a heart full of gratitude
only tears of joy
joy unspeakable

Just Me

But me
you don't know where it caves
just me
understands where its bent
my being
feels where its broken
my steps a constant remainder 
but me
no one knows the weight
just me 
feels the pinch
for all only the sight they behold
but me inside and out
everyone a myriad of thoughts
for me
torment and anguish
just me

2012/13

Wow I cannot believe I haven't blogged since September. You must all forgive my tardiness, I have had quite a bit on my plate. Nonetheless, I am back and will strive to do better in the new year.

• I remember having horrible hot flashes that forced me to step out into the ambulance bay so the night's chill would cool me down

• At 6AM when I could no longer push myself any harder I asked the supervisor to send me home

• I got in my car and drove myself home despite dizzy swirling spells

• When I left work that early mid-April morning I had no clue almost a year later I'd still be out of work on extended sick leave

• They poked me with needles in places I didn't know existed. I fought back tears as I tightly grasped the boy's hand for dear life

• I know I'm an ER nurse but I'd rather be on the giving than receiving end. And did you know nurses and doctors make the worst patients? supposedly, we know too much for our own good

• They probed me with mind boggling questions to which I had no answers

• The doctors and specialists ordered a myriad of tests and procedures that completely wiped me out

• For eight months they had no clue what was wrong. My case was presented to boards of experienced specialists who were all dumb-founded

• Finally, I was referred to two oncologists. I could feel myself slowly start to give up

• I felt lost most days and night

• I read a lot of great books during this down time. I am not even kidding you I read a book a day

• In August, the boy gave me a beautiful ring. I absolutely love it. And we couldn't be happier

• The medications stopped working and my heart got weak from palpitations

• I lost friends but made a lot of great new ones in 2012. You don't know your friends until you're sick. The true ones stuck around and am forever grateful for that

• I hated being admitted in the hospital so much in 2012

• When all else stopped working I was taken into emergency surgery

• Before, they put me under my mom was holding my hand and when I opened my eyes first thing after a 5-hour surgery my mom was the first person I saw and I couldn't stop crying

• I had a great team of doctors/surgeons/specialists/nurses. They were at my beck and call day and night. Forget professional courtesy. They were truly angels. They made sure my pain was under control and my mom was comfortable at all times

• I couldn't speak for days but I was so overwhelmed by the love and care from my mom, the boy and my girlfriends I wept day and night

• Despite being so sick I realized how blessed I truly was/am

• I mean, come on, they slit my throat and I lived

• They sheared my aorta creating a big ass hematoma that caused pressure on my spine and AGAIN, I lived!!!

• I got to spend Christmas with my most favorite person, my mom, for the first time in nine years

• My mom met the boy and the boy met my mom for the first time and they got along so great. Two of my favorite people all holiday season. Lucky girl, I know :)

• Mommy has nursed me back to health with all her love and warmth and delish cooking. I have recuperated well and should be resuming work soon

• I couldn't be more blessed. I have the most caring/loving and amaze-balls parents, sibs, friends and the boy 

• I did a lot of fun travelling with the boy and my mom at the end of 2012/beginning of 2013

• It was great to have a lot of friends and family from across town and out of town visit with me during my hospital stays and at home

• I'm so grateful for the boy. He was there day and night. Despite a very demanding schedule he went through each day with me. He held my hand, rubbed my back and made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. I am truly overwhelmed by his kindness and love for me. He perfectly fit the bill when my mommy couldn't be there. He has taught me the true meaning of lifetime friendship and a great relationship

• I'm ready for 2013. And so far its been full of so many blessings from God. He is amazing

A belated Happy New Year to you & yours!!!

Xx,
PrettyLyf

Thirty-One Things

1. I'm sitting on a bed, legs crossed, sipping on a glass of red
2. The summer is fading away. The leaves are changing color
3. The breeze coming in from the open window behind me gently caresses my skin
4. I officially did my first Fall hike this morning. I set out bright and early to brave the trail just before the sun started scorching
5. Its been a beautiful summer, full of lessons, love, laughter and heart stopping tears
6. I've gone through some significant, life changing experiences for the last six months
7. Oh Pandave, I'm happy to announce I'm the proud bearer of a few new scars
8. I find scars to be refreshing, they tell tales
9. Silently, discreetly, sometimes invisibly
10. Some scars are evident to the natural eye
11. Others only to the soul
12. I've traveled quite a bit this summer
13. I had the pleasure of visiting a dear friend, Rita. Our intentions were to sit at a streetside table and have lunch. But the sun and humidity forced us to sit inside in a cozy booth. 
14. Our lunch was full of candid conversations from the heart
15. A quick shopping spree, if you will, and a cup of coffee hours later
16. Yet our parting was a tear jerker
17. I've enjoyed a few good reads this past months
18. Nothing beats that curiosity that accompanies tearing through pages
19. Fall is my absolute favorite season
20. I have pairs of boots lined up in my closet and scarves begging to be wrapped around my neck. Yet my neck of the woods won't cool down fast enough
21. Regardless of where you go, what you do, whom you become, no one beats or even comes close to family or at least my family HAHA
22. A God-sent S.O. is a close second. Falafel with steak @130am. I think I chose a winner :)
23. I'm nothing without God. And everything with God
24. Regardless of a very scary, heart wrenching six months full of uncertainty with joy my heart can say that never once has God left me on my own or let me walk alone. HE has been so exceedingly abundantly faithful it blows me AWAY!!!
25. One day while lying on a procedure table, weeping like a baby, I found out the divine meaning of unfathomable peace
26. Even if my loved ones were waiting JUST outside the door, they couldn't be allowed into the procedure room, they couldn't be there to hold my hand or wipe my tears
27. Despite all their love and prayers, in that very moment I realized only God was/is omnipresent. And I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of peace
28. And my life hasn't been the same since
29. No matter how long we resist it, there comes a point when you just gotta let flaky friends go
30. Life is beautiful. Enjoy it. One day at a time.To the very fullest and with whatever you have. Don't wait for tomorrow
31. Nothing beats a well orchestrated GNO. I can't decide if it's the silliness of laughing at nothing and everything, or sitting quietly in reflection, sharing five rolls of spicy sushi, watching a comedy show together or even just the spontaneity of it all

Freedom

The breeze hits my face
a breath of fresh air
my lungs filling up
my feet pound against the pavement
I can't breath
Oh yes indeed I can breath
I push forward
momentarily blinded
not by dusk
from the sweat that dribbles my face
my heart thumps
violently against my chest 
my taste buds conjuring it
I know this feeling
This what it feels like to set myself free

What makes me feel the prettiest

• Sitting on the rug in my living, in front of the tv, my legs crossed, enjoying an extra hot cuppa tea
• Talking to my mom
• The feeling of clean cool bed sheets against my body
• My hair up in a bun
• A clear mind
• When he says "I miss you. Do you miss me?"
• Clean laundry
• A chilled glass of red
• A spotless bathroom
• A crisp cold bowl of cereal with a hint of vanilla&cinnamon
• Reading a new book
• How my hair feels after deep shampoo and conditioning
• A day off
• Hiking a trail that kicks my little behind
• When our song comes on a playlist or while we are out and we drop everything and dance to it
• The strength in my arms when I lift my 10lb dumb bells
• The first cup of tea in the morning
• Smell of lavender
• A fan blowing in my face
• How still my heart is when I pray or read the bible
• Resonating with music

Lover of my soul

My heart beats for you
it aches for you
my thoughts slow down without you
my eyes well up with tears for you
the beat picks up in anticipation
my arms long for yours
my stomach turns, the acid in it churns
my brain refuses to comprehend
the time as it lingers
I long for you
another second, day, week
sheets entangle my body, tosses and turns
My heart refuses to go on without you

Believe

You better believe we cry

we break

we hurt

we are torn

but tears become strength

the broken are mended

the torn are rebuilt

and you better believe

we get up

and the sun it shines again

and the sorrow it fades into the horizon with the rain

you best believe it

Phew

For a second or two there I couldn't remember my password :( So glad I did because I think am up to blogging after going AWOL

Kicking death BUTT IN

I cannot quite recall the first time I lost a patient. Lost meaning death. But what I do recall is the stench of death. You might not believe it but even death has a very distinct aura. I have lost many patients along my career path and yes it is sad but I have also somewhat adapted to it and thus it has almost become second nature. Yes I concur it is strange. And I do not expect you to comprehend this.

So imagine my surprise this past week when death immensely shook me and not only that but kept me up all night. So up I stayed and went to bed when daylight finally returned. I could not get the death of this one patient out of my head. I kept re-living it in my head. And each time I felt the hairs on my neck stand up and my stomach turned upside down.

The death bug struck me back to back on Tuesday and again on Wednesday. On Thursday surprisingly given my sleep-deprived state I was in the clear. Little did I know death would rear its ugly face once again as if in an attempt to make it my worst week yet like it hadn't already.

But come Friday I was ready for it. How you ask? when the paramedics transported my patient upon assessment I noticed he was already starting to mottle meaning he was actively dying. I stood by the wife of 65 years as she held his hand and whispered how she loved him in death. She left shortly after tightly grasping my hand and begging me to ensure he did not suffer. So when he started to struggle for air and hold his breath I stood by him and rubbed his head. Rubbing his head I gently sung (It is well) close to his ear. Peacefully he stopped struggling for air and stopped breathing as life escaped him. As his body grew cold I couldn't help thinking his wife's wish had come true, he had not suffered. I simultaneously glanced at my watch for the time of death as I called the wife to inform her of his passing.

So yes I kicked death's ass by being at peace as my patient headed to the after life. My neck hairs did not stand this time but I was overwhelmed and in an unfathomable haze of both confusion and clarity as I subconsciously marveled at how the line between life and death is not just thin but faint.

Working in an environment where death is constantly imminent has taught me that life is much more shorter than we perceive it to be. At the risk of sounding cliche it has taught me to not just live a little but really live life.

Gratitude

I lift my hands

up high in praise

I thank YOU Lord

Emptiness

I clutch my belly

bent over

distorted in anguish

pain is my name

my hut has burned down

my stream run dry

stones pelted at me

my soul is sorrowful

boils afflict my body

tears scorch my face

no shade on my back

darkness has overtaken me

I have nothing

Courage Is fear that has said its prayers

Up
its quiet dark night
no peace of mind
hanging by a thread
spiraling down
stomach churns
mind boggles
tears sting
the sky is bare
but no moon
daylight peeks
yet no sunlight
scared
am I failing?

Untitled

I hoped your departure
it would halt time
that the once green leaves
wouldn't turn gold so soon
that the recently clean streets
wouldn't be covered in snow
once innocent now
defiled by the winds
and chill
the kids playing the yards
now only a vague memory
fading quickly into the horizon
the bright colorful days
now threatened by looming dark clouds full of rain
I prayed that you would forget us
let us catch our breathe
move on to a different place
and away from us
but you returned
too soon
stealing from us again
leaving us where you first left us
robbed, scared and alone

My Neighbors From Hell

You know that new show -Neighbors from Hell- ? well guess what? I'm living it! My neighbors are definitely out to get me and make my life as miserable as possible. You know the kind that make you not look forward to coming home from work even after one of those days? yea those. The kind that makes you gag a little in your mouth every time they walk by you because really how can they be so mean for absolutely no apparent reason. The kind that makes you want to move out and pay for a vacant apartment while living elsewhere. Because peace is of absolute importance to you.

What and where is home I ask? the place where the heart is? cliche but true. For most of us it is the place where our loved ones both family and friends are. While for some of us who are away from home it is that place that we turn into our little haven. The place where we escape to after a long 10hr shift of wearing the overpriced danskos that are supposed to give you back relief but really why are my heels and soles blistered and what is that ache that wasn't there yesterday. It's that peaceful place where you leave the world's troubles at the door and indulge yourself. It might be some soothing music, reading a book, a long shower, a bubble bath, a chilled glass of red at 9am because here in your little haven you make the rules. And who ever said we all don't have a lil French in us?

So when your little haven suddenly turns into a place you don't find peace and find yourself in. When it becomes a place where you can no longer lose yourself only to find yourself in time for the next shift. If that place becomes somewhere you don't look forward to going. If it makes you comb the streets for a spot instead of your assigned spot in the back. Then something is very wrong and it needs to be rectified with urgency.

And so that is why instead of coming home after a long shift at work and going to sleep I've been driving around looking for a new place and scheduling back to back viewings. I guess after living in one place for so long I forgot how finding a new place is a whole other job. I forgot how hard it is to find all the amenities you desire in one place. Like how a place can have a sauna, two year round heated pools and not have a dishwasher is beyond me or how it can have a dishwasher, patio, sauna, pool and not have a washer/dryer on site. Or how it can have everything I'm looking for and yet be a downstairs unit. Really how can I not feel like the universe has ganged up against me? I need to move by early September. Its taken everything in me this far to not use a few or very many choice words and tell 'em off. Its taking the little peace I have left after work. And I do not want to. I refuse to live here a day longer than I should. I want out. I want my peace. I want my quiet. I want to reclaim my safe, peaceful, quiet haven all over again because I deserve it.

So pray for me my dear readers. Pray for me to find a place soon and to start the moving process.

My Neighbors From Hell

You know that new show -Neighbors from Hell- ? well guess what? I'm living it! My neighbors are definitely out to get me and make my life as miserable as possible. You know the kind that make you not look forward to coming home from work even after one of those days? yea those. The kind that makes you gag a little in your mouth every time they walk by you because really how can they be so mean for absolutely no apparent reason. The kind that makes you want to move out and pay for a vacant apartment while living elsewhere. Because peace is of absolute importance to you.

What and where is home I ask? the place where the heart is? cliche but true. For most of us it is the place where our loved ones both family and friends are. While for some of us who are away from home it is that place that we turn into our little haven. The place where we escape to after a long 10hr shift of wearing the overpriced danskos that are supposed to give you back relief but really why are my heels and soles blistered and what is that ache that wasn't there yesterday. It's that peaceful place where you leave the world's troubles at the door and indulge yourself. It might be some soothing music, reading a book, a long shower, a bubble bath, a chilled glass of red at 9am because here in your little haven you make the rules. And who ever said we all don't have a lil French in us?

So when your little haven suddenly turns into a place you don't find peace and find yourself in. When it becomes a place where you can no longer lose yourself only to find yourself in time for the next shift. If that place becomes somewhere you don't look forward to going. If it makes you comb the streets for a spot instead of your assigned spot in the back. Then something is very wrong and it needs to be rectified with urgency.

And so that is why instead of coming home after a long shift at work and going to sleep I've been driving around looking for a new place and scheduling back to back viewings. I guess after living in one place for so long I forgot how finding a new place is a whole other job. I forgot how hard it is to find all the amenities you desire in one place. Like how a place can have a sauna, two year round heated pools and not have a dishwasher is beyond me or how it can have a dishwasher, patio, sauna, pool and not have a washer/dryer on site. Or how it can have everything I'm looking for and yet be a downstairs unit. Really how can I not feel like the universe has ganged up against me? I need to move by early September. Its taken everything in me this far to not use a few or very many choice words and tell 'em off. Its taking the little peace I have left after work. And I do not want to. I refuse to live here a day longer than I should. I want out. I want my peace. I want my quiet. I want to reclaim my safe, peaceful, quiet haven all over again because I deserve it.

So pray for me my dear readers. Pray for me to find a place soon and to start the moving process.

Is Chivalry DEAD!?!

Lately, I seem to have the unfortunate knack to run into men who're 'interested' in me. And by interested I mean we've never met, I don't know them, they don't know me, they've probably not even seen my face just my back and boom they like me. Woe is me. They say they want to take me out to dinner, for coffee, drinks and even to church. Really church? because I'm having doubts God would approve.

I want to ask all my female readers, has any of you ever had to tell the marriage fib to get out of a man pursuing you? marriage fib here meaning that you're single, and by single you could or could not be in a relationship but definitely not married. So there's this guy showing some interest and to shut him down and/or the only way to get out of it is saying you're married and even then your been married is not enough because men nowadays cannot take a no for a no and despite telling them you're married gets them more interested? I mean someone please tell what in the world is going on? One even had the nerve to tell me I didn't have a married woman's voice. Pardon my ignorance but how exactly do married women talk?

The other had the nerve to want to hang out with my significant other and I to prove the fact that I am indeed 'taken'? the other the nerve to offer me a warm can of natural light beer he pulled out of a black plastic bag. I mean really? what happened to men respecting the fact that a woman is taken and/or not interested and taking that as a hint to back off? have days evolved that much? are men not men enough to take no for an answer? does it have anything to do with those who have preceded us? might they have said no and meant yes thus giving men the idea that when we say no in reality we mean yes ? or is chivalry indeed dead?

I'd want to say it's not dead based on personal judgement e.g. the other day I'm cruising the parking lot where all spots were taken and this guy was loading up his car and had a few more trips to make between the car and his apartment. And when he noticed my futile attempts to find a spot he offered to move his car to a 20 minute spot and gave me his spot. I mean if that is not a perfect example of a gentlemen I don't know what is. A sign that chivalry just might not be dead. Not all the way, at least not for me. Yet I know such incidences are far and in between. Still better half a loaf than not?

Cancer Scare

Just a quick update to let everyone know I had the lump checked out.

It has been a very scary time for my loved ones and me. I did gather some strength and went in with my best person. When we went for the first appointment the doctor who checked it literally freaked out and wrote me an ultrasound STAT order. Of course her freaking out freaked me out even more. So I immediately scheduled an appointment and went in. And the radiologist who read the results freaked out and broke HIPPA by letting me know on the phone that it "looked bad" and the oncology team was considering a mammogram. Unless, one has a history of breast cancer, mammograms are not recommended at 25.

The other thing is that whichever doctor I went to see, or/and radiologist kept asking my age and shaking their head in utter disbelief at how and why this could be happening at my age. One doctor informed me cases such as mine didn't occur often. However, she had diagnosed a 25y.o. with breast cancer before. This only made me more miserable and very scared for my life.

The ultrasound results came back indicating not one lump, but two. Uhm excuse me? And not just a mere lump but one they called a complicated cyst and the other a complex mass. And sans to say my life came to a sudden halt, I didn't eat, I couldn't construct a sentence without choking up. Mentally, I started to 'put things in order' just in case this was it. Not much to put in order though for the lack of an estate at the mere age of 25, but hey if shoes could actually make up an estate then I just might have had quite a bit to do :)


The surprising thing? I did not once think "why me?" (well, not literally) instead I thought why not me, why someone else. I told myself, if my going through this meant saving someone else from going through it then let it be. But then I thought hey I was just 25 and barely starting to live life, that condo I wanted, those Manolo Blahniks, and that dress, omg that dress and the vacay c'mmon really God at 25? couldn't God have waited. Then, I started to question. How did God decide who go it and who didn't and what he went off of? did it matter what you had already gone through in life? in terms of struggles or/and even accomplishments? because if He had first checked with me (lol) then I think I've been through quite a bit, struggle wise, which should be enough for a lifetime and I'm just starting to meet my goals in life accomplishment-wise so shouldn't I at least stick around and enjoy the labor of my hard work?. I felt anything and everything there was to feel. Literally, went through the emotional rollercoaster, fyi it's very bumpy, don't try it :)


Going by the ultrasound results, the doctor explained, to make an official diagnosis I needed to undergo a core biopsy with a needle guided biopsy. So my best person and I got to it, we scheduled it and went in, holding our breathes, praying and hoping for the best. We go in and the technologist says my best person cannot come to the procedure room and my heart stops. How can he not? I couldn't possibly do this alone. Even if I couldn't see his face, I wanted to know he was in the room with me and I'd feel his presence. I waited for the doctor and asked his 'permission' and he said yes and sent the technologist to get him :) and I immediately relaxed. I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe it was going to be ok and so I needed one of the people in my life who did to be there and believe for me.


The doctor went in and started with the needle guided aspiration on the complicated cyst. I was positioned in a way that I could look at the screen and see the cyst and mass and watch as the needle went in. So I watch as the doc pokes the complicated cyst and it disappears. Oh glory. Sigh. And then he said before he could perform the core biopsy he needed to poke the mass to ensure it also wasn't a cyst. And what do you know he poked it and it disappeared too.


What do you know? both lesions were cysts. I've a big ol' ugly scar on my right tata but that's nothing to pay or even compare to the monster diagnosis. So yes I took my aspiration scar that sometimes hurts as hell and ran for dear life. It was a sign for me to start anew in life, to live right, to love without holding back, to kiss with my eyes closed, to feng shui anything that was holding me back in my life, to try harder and a little more everyday. I'm trying :)


Thank you, dear readers, for wishing me well. Thinking me happy thoughts, and 'holding' my hand through it all.

Last BUT not in way LEAST, please, my female readers do your monthly SBE and to my male readers encourage your loveds one to do them. Early detection saves lives!!!

Cancer

I was 12 years old when my grandma died of lymphoma cancer. I remember what great a woman she was. In the years preceding her death I remember how she had gone from the strong woman she had once been physically and mentally to a woman who was in and out of the hospital and clinics for chemo and follow ups. I remember all the pills she took. I remember how the doctors had tried different treatments, how the family had converged to agree upon what path to take after one treatment after the other failed. I remember my grandma telling us we were not to cry once she was no more. I remember her hair falling off. I remember the way she keep the food down an emesis basin always by her bed because of how often she threw up.

I remember it all like it was yesterday because its what lead me into the healthcare field. I had a burning passion to learn more about what was wrong with her, how I could help, how to say the right things (therapeutically), what to do and when to do it. I remember wanting to make my grandma feel ok, wanting to take it all away. Vowing oncology would be my specialty. Taking an interest in it during my rotations. I remember how my heart has broken with every oncology patient who has been under my care.

Yesterday I found a lump on my right breast it was the last thing I expected. Why me? why not me? I've not been the same since. I worry. I zone out. I'm here and not here. Tears keep flooding my eyes. Do I want to know? should I be worried this much? will it really end up been the monster or just a false alarm?

Emotions are boiling in me. Spilling out of me. I cannot put into words my worry. I cannot sleep. I cannot tell my family because they will worry too much and what if it turns out to be nothing. But what if it turns out to be something?

I'm taking this opportunity to encourage all of your my dear readers to perform your monthly SBE (Self Breast Exam)

It is going to be well because we are HELD

Because I couldn't possibly share with you my sorrow of losing yet another loved one. Lately all I write about here is death. And today I have no strength to even consider writing a poem. But I did read the history behind the song- It is well- about the man Horatio Spafford and how he first lost his only son and then in an effort to get his four daughters away from the grief and sorrow he put them on a boat to England only to lose them. I cannot imagine his sorrow or even compare it to what my family and I are feeling because we all grieve differently. And then there is Natalie Grant's song -Held- in which she sings about her friend who loses two loved ones in a span of 48hrs. Stop and think of it. How sorrowful it must have been and I bet still is. How the world must have span out of control for her friend.

As a healthcare professional I am well aware of the five stages of grieving. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When you lose a loved one you wonder if its ever going to get better, wonder how life could possibly go on without them, and you are angry at the world and life and even people for going on unscathed like nothing happened. And this is what causes as to linger in one grieving stage than the other or all together skip denial, anger and bargaining and just shoot straight for depression. They say time heals wounds but only to a certain extent. For example in my family's case we were just starting to 'heal' by coming into terms with all our losses in the past year. And then boom time has found a way to wound us over.

It is hard to even try to conceive the very idea that it is well or could be well in the end. The sacred has been torn from us over and over. But believe us we might not we are still HELD. It is very hard to believe that right now believe me but I believe in God and despite feeling forgotten I know He remembers us. I don't even believe that right now yet I do. Confusing huh? I know but that's how I feel right now. I just want God to remember us and make it stop. All these deaths, all these funerals...exceedingly exhausting and overwhelming physically, mentally, socially and in so many other ways on so many different levels.