How friendships are formed

I want to write this in a poem but don't know how. Therefore, I'm doing a post...

Friends and for the part real friends are hard to find. I mean they don't come easy. You don't just pick them beside the road, or in the bathroom while touching up on your make-up, or in class b/c your highlighter just ran out and the professor is giving the final's review, or in a restaurant when your friends and theirs don't show up and they or you end up sharing a table. You do get the picture where am going with this. Yet all thesituations I just mentioned could be the very beginning of lifetime friendships and/or relationships or stepping stones to better things/places in life

At some point during college I had to change from one cohort to another. The first morning of class is deeply etched in my mind. Saying I was devastated butchers how I felt. I remember calling my moms and crying on the phone minutes before I walked into class. I just wasn't ready to start all over again. I was broken that I was going to be the new girl in class and that I had to start from scratch. Funny, I should post about it b/c just on Monday night I was reminiscing about the months I've been through as this year nears its close. Anyway, I joined the new cohort and made new friends but there's always that one who you get along with better. At first it was simply about carpooling, going to the same place during lunch breaks, confirming assignments with one another. Then, before we noticed it we had moved on to inviting each other to our houses, doing dinner, meeting each other's friends and families, hanging out. When I flashback to the first morning of class with the new cohort I realize how much sans to say this friendship has grown

This morning said friend broke down and indulged me in what she went through with her family this past weekend. It's sad. She's disappointed and broken. I sat there and didn't know what was right to do or say. It was one of those situations where you're not only at a loss of words but even as your hand itches to reach out and touch to comfort it feels too heavy to lift. Or may be suddenly you feel like it wouldn't be the right thing to do. I mean you've not been in such a situation before so how can you relate? but she's your friend and you can see what the situation has done to her. I expressed my empathy to her

I don't know what am saying or where am going with this. In my heart am praying and hoping my friend finds a balance in all this. That she finds more strength and it makes her a better and wiser person. I hope she's back to her real self soon. I hope e'ryday she finds strength to feel less disappointment and the brokeneness goes away

I hope and pray despite all this she still has a merry xmas and enjoys the holidays

A Heart's Ache

The streets are abandoned
deserted
cars safely tucked in parking spots
and garages
laughter finds its way into the empty streets
laughter from houses filled
with warmth from family and friends
in feasting
You and I torn apart by the distance
tears tease to spill from my eyes
I choke and cough to stop them
stop this feeling that consumes me and takes residence in me
I'm thinking of you
In my mind, soul, and heart
am grateful for the days and nights we've been together,
the times we've shared
cherished and savored
in this cold and sadness that now resides in me
our memories keep me warm
memories of times we've dined and wined together
of times we've hugged and kissed
of moments we've bopped our heads in rhythm to music that has grown on us
so today despite our been far far apart
I want you to know that I've never loved you more
I tap strength from this aloneness
In spirit we're together
You're sitted right here beside me
We're cuddling and smiling at the joy of being together
we're holding hands
we're hugging really tight as though our lives depended on it
we're saluting each other with a click of our wine glasses

Of growing old...

My birthday is coming up. It's actually on Sunday. Yes, apparently I'll be 23 in four days. How cool is that? Umh I'm not sure why am growing so old so fast but still am excited :) Well may be not exactly excited(at least not about the growing old bit) but content at where I am in my life.

I didn't know what to write so I just compiled something silly (below). I'm awed at how revealing my posts have been as evidenced by the 'poem' below. You want to know one more thing about me? I'm out of school for a whole month? It's so surreal. I'm sleeping in at the slightest chance. Oh I'm so turning 23 in style. Imagine a month's break from school? What am I gonna do with myself? Ideas welcome. For the last few days I've been trying to get caught up on my reading (not school books). I'm currently reading the Kite Runner thanks to SisBigBones for recommending it :)

I thank, you, for reading my amateur poetry. Each of you has given me mojo to keep attempting to put words together. Words that you've come back over and over again and read and surprisingly commended me on. I'm humbled.

Your swinging by my blog has somewhat in a way beyond you and me contributed to my being this year and for that to, you, I'm grateful.

I know as you read this you're in stitches because this is me coming out of the closet and telling you despite my putting 2-4 words in four line paragraphs(otherwise called poems) I actually cannot write or put together a post. I shall not intricate things by divulging you on my many failed attempts at paying someone to write my term school papers. I cannot begin to put in words the joy that has transcended my existence each time I've done the reference page of any of my term papers. If written in supposedly the correct order the reference page should come last. Incessantly my self motivation or lack of thereof has led me to start my term papers backwards. Yes, I always type my reference page first. I know it's simply out of this world. As I said my many attempts at writing have undoubtedly failed but my obstinate nature won't badge. I shallow not succumb. So, laugh all you want. LOL

Happy Birthday to all ye Scorpios out there!!! Pandave hope you have recovered enough to enjoy your birthday :)

After all is said and done...My dears I give you yet another of my amateur pieces.Enjoy...

Another year has come and is almost gone

Just like the other one

Each day brings the close of this year nigh

Her mind unabashedly goes back in time

Revisiting her past

she sits alone

lets her body, soul and mind

go back, back into times gone

tears stream down her face

as a smile forces its being on her lips

lighting up her face

almost like the sun shining in the rain

bittersweet memories

flood her whole being

lost in time

she recounts each sunrise and sunset

watches herself walk down each road

good and bad

paths of peace, quiet and joy

others trod of brokenness, tears and pain

sometimes letting herself stay down

longer than she should

others picking herself up, dusting herself and moving on

all lessons learnt

no mistakes,just lessons

halting at moments of triumph and joy unspeakable

overwhelmed by times of sheer exhaustion

at times succumbing to aloneness

sometimes counting on others to pick her up

filled with unsurety

sometimes even letting her guard down

mastering the strength to reach out to others for comfort

then taking out time to recuperate

all the while leaning on God

sometimes allowing her feelings to show

often letting go, to let God

her beloveds always at heart

at times to burdened to tell the difference

reminding others to see the good in themselves

commemorating her passed on dear ones

accepting life's lemons

but still living for the moment

soldiering tough times

allowing herself to purge some things in her life

remembering to be appreciative

some days overcome by darkness

grieving her patients

being in love

Of all people missing her the most

wishing each of you(readers/bloggers/friends/everyone out there reading this or not) the very best

15 mins to evacuate

I'm well despite the fires. I'm one of the few who lucked out of the horror. Still I'm suffering from the distress. Above all I'm suffering from survival guilt. I mean some people have been hit so hard, to nothingness and here I'm all I suffer is the ashy-smoky tinged air discomfort. I mean what do you tell the ones who've lost everything? what do you offer them? do you give them money? or do you open your doors to them? or do you lock yourself up and kill yourself with the survival guilt? It's so overwhelming when you're in a place and everyone else has lost all they had but you. You're definitely not on the same page and no one walks in another's shoes for a second so you can't even begin to understand their situation. While sympathy is a no no even empathy seems a tad bit mean here.

Today I went to class and we had a stress/crisis discussion and some of my classmates who were affected shared their grief. The main thing was the minute they got the reverse 911 calls giving them anywhere from 3min to 15mins to evacuate their homes. The sheer confusion of not knowing what to take with them and what not to. They explained how in that moment their priorities in life seemed to suddenly changed. They grabbed medications, some clothings, documents and then some weird items like a metal plunger. I can't begin to fathom the confusion that would linger in such a moment you know what to take and at the same time you don't. If I was to walk in those shoes I'd grab all my important paperwork and some clothes. I know even in writing am at pains to pick so I shall digress...

I vividly remember the night I stood at the patio and watched the fire working it's way downhill towards my house, friends and family called to ensure I had my bag packed ready to voluntarily evacuate but I wasn't ready and honestly I didn't even pack. I couldn't sleep at night, I stayed up all week and at dawn I'd fall asleep and wake up at 5pm PT and the cycle was vicious. However, we made it. God is awesome.

My heart goes out to the deceased souls, the bereaved families and those directly affected, directly affected meaning those who personally lost their loved ones, homes, possessions and property. As a city, everyone in San Diego has been affected directly or/and indirectly. I'm grateful to all the emergency services and each San Diegan. In this time crisis and disaster a lot of corporation has been exhibited and we are all very appreciative to each other.

To all my family, friends, and even blogosphere friends for checking on me. Thanks for hitting the redial button when the reception was bad, for opening your homes to me and the comments and e-mails.

Please tell me had you being the one who got the reverse 911 call to evacuate in 15mins what would you have grabbed?

Wildfires Under Control

Fires Update

Last night when I went to bed there were only eight fires. This morning I woke to thirteen fires. Flashback to Sunday there were only three fires. Suffice to say they're spreading faster than expected. The SD county is running out of water. The only thing that am content and happy about is that people are taking the mandatory evacuations seriously and getting their behinds out of their homes. I know people have lost homes and other valuables worth millions but all that is replaceable so I think it is ok for now. I know it's been hard watching t.v. and suddenly reading your address as one of the houses the fire will be striking next, I can only imagine how devastating it has been getting a reverse 911 call declaring immediate mandatory evacuation, what to grab and what not? or even how heart breaking it is receiving the news that yours is one of the homes that have burned or worse still watching/watched it burn.

These fires are destroying memories that will remain irreplaceable but material cannot measure up to peoples' safety. People have been urged to knock on their neighbors doors during evacuations to ensure no one is left behind. The reverse 911 calls only work for landlines and some don't have landlines in their houses so it's very considerate and thoughtful to knock on those doors and make sure we get everyone out in time. Only one person has died so far, God rest his/her soul in eternal peace. Over 300,000 people have been evacuated and so many homes have burnt down to ashes and beyond recognition. Most of the people have been evacuated or are evacuating to Qualcomm Stadium, home stadium of the San Diego Chargers.

Right now as I type this the fire is coming down the hill towards my house but still it is a safe distant away. The winds have slightly calmed down and hopefully that shouldn't work against us. They haven't issued a voluntary or mandatory evacuation for my area yet.

I'm grateful to all the firefighters/firemen, the news casters/presenters, the governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the families that have been evacuated, Red Cross, the volunteers, National Guard, all the food places and other miscellaneous companies that have made donations to aid the evacuated families just the whole of San Diego County for the corporation and togetherness in all of this.

A lot of places are out of power and the SD county has requested we stay away from our cellphones unless very necessary b/c they're highly relying on them right now for communication and updates. All schools both private and public are closed until further notice.

Thank you to all my friends and family for the calls, text messages, FB messages and anyway you've reached me to check on me. I appreciate!!!!!!!!

Stay safe :)

Quick Fires in San Diego County due to strong winds

Thanks for all your encouragement and thoughts on my previous post below.

I've been well until the fires

Four years on Wednesday

How is it that time flies so much
It's been four years
How is it that it all seems just like yesterday
so fresh in my mind
four years
yet still I turn and toss
when i wake to a dream you're in

Four years H
still I see your empty grave
four years
still I hear the dirt pouring in over
your casket

Four years
and time hasn't healed this wound
it has wounded the healing
four years
still addicted to this pain

We still can't let you go
tomorrow I'll be there in spirit
haven't I always been
I'll listen as they speak of you
you were an angel

Four years H
still I catch myself
sending up a prayer for you
four years and my eyes still tear
my heart still aches
my soul is still sorrowful
H, rest in peace

But she and I
we push them to go see him
each time we talk
I harshly inquire of their last visit
I bitterly remind them you watch down from up above

Four years and still
I hear you call my name
still hear you yell mom's name
from the gate
still you talk to me
reprimanding she and I to not go on that 'walk'
understanding only too well of the mischief
oh H
with a smile and a chuckle still you let us

Four years H
and still you talk to me
still I run into you down the street
still I can't stop crying over your demise
four years still no scar
just a wound still so fresh
not a scab over it,no

Oh, H
do you look down on us
do you still love us
do you remember each one of us
do want us to not cry
are you really in a better place

It's been a tough week for us
but since you've been gone
each day has been a rude awakening of you
gone on a no return journey

Do you rest in peace?

'Sympathetic' Tuesday

One of the patients I had today was this cute 20y.o. guy, so cute you just want to hug him and tell him it's going to be fine but then you see in therapy that would be what is called fake reassurance not to mention we have a no-touch policy so the hugs just wouldn't happen. but this kid was so sweet and to think he has a mental issue he'll have to tackle and live with for the rest of his life just breaks my heart. he is there b/c he tried to commit suicide but when you think of it he is just a 20y.o. who hasn't even experienced life then he realizes he can never hang out with his age mates, never be 'normal' b/c he is 'different' in a way few perceive ah it gets to me.he has schizophrenia which is the worse psychotic illness and am supposed to sit there with him and try be as therapeutic as i can and say what? then he looks me straight in the eye and tells me that he is just 'not social' he is trying to tell me he has no social or doesn't know how to socialize but no its not that he doesn't know how it's just that it's one of the symptoms for this illness, the medical term for it is, asocial, and unfortunately he even has no clue about that, so gently i explain it to him. by explaining i'm trying to help him feel less guilty and different when he isolates himself from others b/c something in him tells him he doesn't 'fit' in the crowd. well am not supposed to be sympathetic God knows even i can't stand it when someone tries to feel sorry for me. am supposed to be empathetic. sometimes am like forget all of that let's be real this kid will be stuck in this life for the next however long and each morning he'll wake up and each night go to bed trying to fight these demons and voices that tell him to be paranoid or to jump a bridge or to slit his wrists.it kills me i mean am supposed to just sit there and be therapeutic? he needs me alright i know that but please just shoot me b/c i feel so sorry for him and it's hard sometimes to not wonder if there is a possibility to trade places but God have mercy.see this is the problem sometimes i bring it home with me, i meet a patient and they stay with me somehow and i can't shake them off. anyway let me stop i bet it's my career and i've to learn to be the best i can each day and make it less personal. still it tags at my heart somehow i love them all with a love that i can't explain leaving them each night and finding them the next morning does me proud b/c living their lives takes special people and every single of them is exactly that, a special person.

Seasons

Standing here waiting
the soft breeze gently blows
into me

Yesterday had been summer
today is almost fall
the sun is out
halfway visible
the other half safely hidden by the
lingering yet threatening rain clouds

My body longing
for the summer heat yet
craving and soaking up in
the moderation of a fading summer
and the beginning of winter

In this moment of reminiscence
my body celebrates the near end of a season
yet the mark of a new,embracing it
with layers of warm clothes
and an umbrella at stone throw distance

Ah, the bliss of changing seasons!

My moms

Most Oustanding Mother,
My moms
Thank you, for being my best woman,
and person on earth
I celebrate you in all ways

For your tears, I pray laughter
Hard times, I pray better days
In weakness, I pray strength
In darkness, light
Clouds, that the sun,
shines again

Thank you,
for your wise words,
Warmth in hugs,
Ear that listened, listens, will listen
Eye that sees before it is
Hands that make scrumptious food
give special touches
Voice, that prays, to lift me up

I hear your strong voice
Full of courage, assurance, wisdom
When I'm lost or torn
It directs me, mom

Reminds me of who you made me
Your wise words
That I can't wait for life to be
I have to create it
They guide me, mom

For instilling godliness in me
Thank you,
for now I seek solace
From God,
My pillar, and tower of strength

Thank you,
so close,
so one,
together in spirit

Mom, I celebrate you yesterday,today and tomorrow.

I'm more of a nester than dreamer, literally, in every way you can think it. I hardly recall what I dream. However, this morning it was different I remembered dreaming about my moms last night. The s.o. and I have this 'agreement' his mother=mum and mine=moms. I've called mine, moms, since I can remember. She's the #1 person in my life, she knows it, I say it to her over and over and some. I think I just miss here a lot...*sigh*

I wish y'all had a beautiful week and your weekend stays the same or/and better :)

T.G.I.F

Psychiatric Tuesday

f/actual difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist. a psychiatrist is an MD (medical doctor), a psychologist on the other hand isn't. Hmm...interesting,who would have thought it? psychosocial isn't exactly my cup of tea but what can i do right? the orientation was spooky.i oriented to the ECU(elopement care unit), this is where they lock up psych pts(patients) who pose danger to themselves and/or others. the place was literally a dungeon. they were all walking up and down.pacing the hallways. i could almost immediately tell they were not with it or were out of it...attitude is everything, i'll remain positive and open-minded. i want to leave a lasting impression. it's going to be a very intensive learning and involving process. it goes both ways, i'll not only learn about my patients but about myself too, it's going to be an eye-opener. my patience, which is close to nil, will be tested and challenged. they'll try to manipulate me but in everything i've to be the professional, i've to carefully choose my words, everything i say or do (verbal and/or non verbal) is required to be therapeutic. the way i react to the pts reciprocates.if they sense fear from me, they too become afraid and sensing me as the 'danger' might attack me in self-defense.however if i remain calm, they'll sense the calm and act the same. all said i got a ton of info to look-up, compile and put together. gtg.

hope y'all having a beautiful week :)

Joy Unspeakable Monday

I just now got the final score i've been waiting for forever, well not literally, since saturday yes you guessed that right it's been a time of agony between saturday and today, i tossed and turned, i barely ate, it was literally killing me to know, i wanted to know so bad but it wasn't going to happen until today so i slowly, with as minimal impatience and agitation as i could, mastered the art of sitting pretty and stopping myself from pulling out my hairs one by one, but had i opted for the latter it'd have been less painful than the wait but the wait still was so worth it, so much so you'd not understand. I went through refreshing my inbox every second, no, i don't have anxiety disorders, just impatience and this very weekend, as i read the bible, my petition to God was for me to achieve the fruits of the holyspirit, patience, especially. I'm still working on it and am very graetful to God. I knelt, my knees before God, my hands up in gratitude and joy, joy unspeakable. Thank you God, thank you. Then, of course I called my dear sweetmoms and passed on the joy bug, yaay! I just told the s.o...

Terrific Thursday

NOT! With that said still it was a beautiful day sans the 105 F temp. I cannot wait for winter. I don't know for the life of me how to deal with heat, I'd rather be cold. Ok so you think I'm saying that b/c it doesn't snow where I live but I've lived in cities/states that snow and still hacked it. I've boots and coats fetish and hats too :) can I say it enough that I want it to be winter already.

I went out to the sizzler last night and partook of some clam chowder soup, plain veggie salad, some ambrosia salad and a piece of water melon. Not only does it read and write like a pretty healthy dinner but it ate pretty well too. Well until I got home and say 2hrs later my stomach was in sheer turmoil. It was a long night of tossing and turning, at about 3am I was starting to dose off until my twin called me and jolted me back from the sleeping world. lol later on he sent me a text apologizing b/c I'd sounded very grumpy and cranky. but I hadn't slept all night and just when I was about to he calls and I was waking up in an hour, not exactly my idea of a terrific day lol next time i'll clobber his head, poor thing! anyway I went to work and was pathetic and ended up coming back home at 0130pm. I drank lotsa fluids to flush out my GI (gastrointestinal) system and got my fave jamba juice drink, tahiti green tea, i'm hooked on green tea, since i quit coffee, green tea is the new coffee

I've been sleeping since and just barely woke up. It's a quarter till 10pm and suffice to say I'm not a tiny bit sleepy. I need to do some online assessments and now you'd think is the perfect time to do them right? well until of course I got on the website and it's down for maintenance and it says to check back after 12:01 AM CDT friday August 31st. Perfectly honestly this is the last thing I need right now, my plate is full as it is. I NEED to do the two, 100-question assessments before Saturday 8am. This isn't an act of procrastination I just wait them out until now because it's what works best for me, for reasons you wouldn't fathom *sigh*

I'm so scared of eating b/c a sick stomach is one of the worst things. In the meantime I'll keep snacking on crackers and water. I just want it to be gone by saturday

weekend ramblings

i rarely blog about my life and/or what's going on with me so this is a tad weird. lately, my weekends have been starting on thursday nights,ta! it's been a great weekend, slept in friday, went to the library later that afternoon, studied some, went out to Daphine's for some greek dinner. had a good long walk later. got home, chilled. slept in saturday, woke up mid-morning, did some 2 papers that were due and turned them in then did some few updates here and there. stayed in bed,lazing off until 2pm, got up, hit the shower and went over to a friend's to help her out with some papers and just chill out. did the papers. watched a a movie i love-resevoir dogs-highly recommend it, if you haven't seen it. and please tell me, do you believe in tips??i'll tell you this much...hmm let me hold it until you tell me if you do or don't. went out to chevy's for dinner at nine-ish ( i know, bad eating habits, i should know i'm a...) let me shut my yap.got home at almost midnight, a friend i haven't seen in a minute called, hang out for a minute, blacked out at one-ish.up at 5, doing laundry, 7 folding and putting it away.had some cereal and banana. now in bed chilling. i go to church, night service, it's barely 11am what will i do with myself? see, this is where the 'problem' comes in, lately i've had too much time heck my gf is complaining her day doesn't have 'nuff hours and me, oh well me, mine has lately had this excess time. i love life, for the most part of it. i'll divulge you in a few things about me. today was my dear moms birthday, i love my moms to the very last tid bit. she's simply awesome!i've caught myself one too many a time lol subconsciously remembering something she has told me in the past. purely hilarious.
i like greek and seafood cuisines. i could live int the sea me.i cook well, almost like i attended culinary school in my previous life. i love God more than anyone (inlcuding my moms and s.o.) that if there was an advert for God I'd do it. i'm not a saint, just a sinner who KEEPS falling but GETTING UP. i'm very private and reserved. i don't trust easy. i've been told i've a wall around me, it's just not me to let my guard down. i'm caring, i look out for those i love and care for. heck i look out for everyone regardless of whether i relate to them in anyway. i'm a free spirit.i've passion to help. i'll give and be left without. i loathe a violation of who i am, don't cross the line and we're fine, cross it and suffice to say you're out. sometimes i'm too hard on myself, i beat up myself. excellence and great performance is my crux. to reach out to those who need me will be the death of me. i have a shoes, bags and clothes fetish. i obssess over scrubbing my face. i believed in just liking for a very long time, until i happened on the flipside. i drink a lot of water, sometimes i worry i'll get dilutional hyponatremia . i gotta have a venti green tea most mornings. running liberates me. i'm a neat freak. i have to be the most impatient person there is in the whole world over. i try to be patient really i do. i detest to be kept waiting. i'm a very time-conscious person. i keep time. i give my word and keep it and if i can't i'll let you know. i like horses. i grew up going to horse races with the paps. i believe words are very powerful, therefore i feel it is of most essence to ponder before utterance of some words. it's hard to take words back. words grow on you. words written can be erased but words uttered not same difference. my taste for music is very different. currently am hooked on a xtian radio station, klove, they say it's in all states, it's int'l too, try it if you like contemporary xtian music, very good music.i've this insatiable passion to reach out to orphans. i went to boarding school all my life. for along time in my life i only missed my moms. the person i've grown up to be reflects differently measured up against my age

I'm doing this b/c am bored

1. Where is my cell phone? beside my left hand
2. My Vehicle? is a black baby
3. My hair? is always braided
4. My father? always allowed me to do things "on second thoughts"
5. My favorite thing? solitude & silence
6. My dream last night? i don't dream
7. My favorite drink? water
8. The room I am in? my office
9. I am? week 5 into critical care nursing
10: I love? that there's only 3 more weeks of critical care left
11. What do I want to be in 10 years? a built on me,me
12. Who did I hang out with today? my jamaican gf for lunch
13. I am not_______? looking forward to pulling a 12hr tomorrow
14. What would not be in my fruit salad? oranges
15. One of my wish list items? iphone
16. Today I must________ ? go to bed early
17. The last thing I did? some bogus database project
18. What am I wearing? pin-stripped pants w/white dress shirt
19. My pet(s)? my yorkie dog, Milo
20. My computer? is the last thing I'm on ev'ryday before I sleep
21. My Shoes? highlight 3' heels

Feel free to tag yourself and do this on your blog :)

Mucho amor,
Prettylyf

Current mood-Mellow
Currently listening to-K-Love

I'd rather be-camping

Randomness in a quiet night

Laying sprawled
across the bed
linens kicked aside
pillows scattered

my eyes open to the dark
why,no it was light just now

My body awakens to a coolness
why,it was insanely hot just now

The music pipes from a distant
the phone rings dreadfully

The cars speed up the hill
outside my window

No sleep
I gather the tall figure
some more towards the wall
oh the cool

one day it's going to be different
one day soon
it shall depart from me
or i from it
this aloneness that just almost drowns me, tonight

this boredom that near chokes me
this ache in my soul thirsts
for difference
for a new
for different
different

why do you sleep without me
why won't you wait for me to fall into the dream world first?

I close my eyes to the dark
when I open them
will the light be back already?

Super Understanding

I lay in bed,
tossed and turned all night long
I cried myself to sleep
not a soul to talk to
not a heart to confide in

I walked,
lost in my thoughts
stuck in the past
trying to make something of the present
to build a future

Lost in my ways
I turned myself around
lay in the bed I made
not a wink
no sleep
yet no regrets

Because this time
I kept the lessons
held them close to me

I didn't think anyone really cared
I don't even think i wanted anyone to
but in my heart of hearts
I hoped for a true soul out there
that truly would

That soul is you,
and am graetful to God
you help me keep my faith
show me how to wait it out

You teach me how to keep hoping
never to sell-out
always to reconsider

It's your thought, that keeps me safe in the dark
your prayer, keeps me warm in the cold
your love sends me protection
and guidance from up above
because I know you murmur away a prayer to God
just for me

I try to not let go
because I know
regardless of everything
you think me, happy thoughts
hope and pray me only the best

This mystery puzzle
called me
is now almost complete
all its pieces just about
put together

I'm most thankful to God
for you
because you make me tear away at what
an awesome and amazing person you are

So if you ever loose your hope
you can have mine
if you get lost
I'll ask God to help me find you
because me and you walk the same line

I'll shine a light for you
when it's dark
I'll try my best to be there
to help you feel your way around

If that cloud too should pass
I know another will come
and still i'll stand on the other side of the shore
waiting for you
God help me
because when we meet what we are afraid of
we find out what we are made of

I've something real in you

because you and I speak

the same language

even in silence

you get me,

and feels great to be got

Your words give me strength
knowing you're there
keeps me going

Shattered

It's everything. and nothing. It's everyone and no one. sometimes even I, am clueless to what's going on. have i distanced myself? really? why does that not seem like news to me. have i been overly quiet lately? i can't explain it, i can try but what does it matter you wouldn't understand anyway. i don't want you to try, it is ok.I survive, i tough it out. i hardly let on anything.but sometimes it hits the fan. tis ok to cry after all, right? it cleanses the soul, at least it does mine. i don't want to man up, i want to be my 'real' age, i want to cry because this end feels empty and yes there's a light at the end of this tunnel but i don't want to be the big guy again, i want to succumb to this and cleanse this soul. i don't want to 'fix' it. i've learnt sometimes i've to let it fall apart if it has to fall back in place.Am i forgetting something? no, i would not forget to count my blessings and thank God.someone out there is having it worse. i'm lost, i've gone to look for myself, should i return before i'm back, please have me wait.

8 random things

I got tagged by Pandave...

The Rules are:-

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
   
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
   
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
   
4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
   
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

So here goes mine...

• I was addicted to coffee for a long time. I've been 'sober' of coffee for six months now and am still counting. It's a big achievement, if i say so myself
• I dislike driving. I'd rather catch the trolley,ride the bus, or take a cab than drive. So, that's exactly what I do, leave my car home and commute
• I hardly use the word-Hate-in regard to someone. If I said I hated someone I'd be saying I hate the God in them lol I can't explain it
• I don't lye my hair. I always braid. I'm seriously contemplating dreads in a few months. Some people relate or misjudge people with locks but sporting dreads doesn't necessarily point you out as belonging to a certain 'group' or 'cult'. I'm still trying to figure out how to convince my moms, hopefully she won't keel over and die
• I love men in uniform. Not cops though. Pilots, Paramedics, and Firemen. I've one and I love him to smitherings
• I've disliked cops since October '03. I know not all of them are trigger-happy but since I lost somone very close to one of the few who are trigger-happy it's made it harder to even want to differentiate the good from the bad. Need I say I dislike guns?
• Each time an ambulance, fire truck, and police car zoom past me, sirens going off I whisper a prayer for the person (s) they're rushing for
• The person I am today I owe to my moms. She knows, I tell her each time we talk, over and over, it doesn't get old, b/c each day I discover a new piece, a new strength that I didn't even know existed. But above all I'm graetful to God for ever making her my moms. I love her to pieces, to the very last bit.

I tag Irena, Feather, Quintessence, scotchbiscuits, Betty, Cabbie Dearest, Gish, and Three types of crazy.