Is Chivalry DEAD!?!

Lately, I seem to have the unfortunate knack to run into men who're 'interested' in me. And by interested I mean we've never met, I don't know them, they don't know me, they've probably not even seen my face just my back and boom they like me. Woe is me. They say they want to take me out to dinner, for coffee, drinks and even to church. Really church? because I'm having doubts God would approve.

I want to ask all my female readers, has any of you ever had to tell the marriage fib to get out of a man pursuing you? marriage fib here meaning that you're single, and by single you could or could not be in a relationship but definitely not married. So there's this guy showing some interest and to shut him down and/or the only way to get out of it is saying you're married and even then your been married is not enough because men nowadays cannot take a no for a no and despite telling them you're married gets them more interested? I mean someone please tell what in the world is going on? One even had the nerve to tell me I didn't have a married woman's voice. Pardon my ignorance but how exactly do married women talk?

The other had the nerve to want to hang out with my significant other and I to prove the fact that I am indeed 'taken'? the other the nerve to offer me a warm can of natural light beer he pulled out of a black plastic bag. I mean really? what happened to men respecting the fact that a woman is taken and/or not interested and taking that as a hint to back off? have days evolved that much? are men not men enough to take no for an answer? does it have anything to do with those who have preceded us? might they have said no and meant yes thus giving men the idea that when we say no in reality we mean yes ? or is chivalry indeed dead?

I'd want to say it's not dead based on personal judgement e.g. the other day I'm cruising the parking lot where all spots were taken and this guy was loading up his car and had a few more trips to make between the car and his apartment. And when he noticed my futile attempts to find a spot he offered to move his car to a 20 minute spot and gave me his spot. I mean if that is not a perfect example of a gentlemen I don't know what is. A sign that chivalry just might not be dead. Not all the way, at least not for me. Yet I know such incidences are far and in between. Still better half a loaf than not?

Cancer Scare

Just a quick update to let everyone know I had the lump checked out.

It has been a very scary time for my loved ones and me. I did gather some strength and went in with my best person. When we went for the first appointment the doctor who checked it literally freaked out and wrote me an ultrasound STAT order. Of course her freaking out freaked me out even more. So I immediately scheduled an appointment and went in. And the radiologist who read the results freaked out and broke HIPPA by letting me know on the phone that it "looked bad" and the oncology team was considering a mammogram. Unless, one has a history of breast cancer, mammograms are not recommended at 25.

The other thing is that whichever doctor I went to see, or/and radiologist kept asking my age and shaking their head in utter disbelief at how and why this could be happening at my age. One doctor informed me cases such as mine didn't occur often. However, she had diagnosed a 25y.o. with breast cancer before. This only made me more miserable and very scared for my life.

The ultrasound results came back indicating not one lump, but two. Uhm excuse me? And not just a mere lump but one they called a complicated cyst and the other a complex mass. And sans to say my life came to a sudden halt, I didn't eat, I couldn't construct a sentence without choking up. Mentally, I started to 'put things in order' just in case this was it. Not much to put in order though for the lack of an estate at the mere age of 25, but hey if shoes could actually make up an estate then I just might have had quite a bit to do :)


The surprising thing? I did not once think "why me?" (well, not literally) instead I thought why not me, why someone else. I told myself, if my going through this meant saving someone else from going through it then let it be. But then I thought hey I was just 25 and barely starting to live life, that condo I wanted, those Manolo Blahniks, and that dress, omg that dress and the vacay c'mmon really God at 25? couldn't God have waited. Then, I started to question. How did God decide who go it and who didn't and what he went off of? did it matter what you had already gone through in life? in terms of struggles or/and even accomplishments? because if He had first checked with me (lol) then I think I've been through quite a bit, struggle wise, which should be enough for a lifetime and I'm just starting to meet my goals in life accomplishment-wise so shouldn't I at least stick around and enjoy the labor of my hard work?. I felt anything and everything there was to feel. Literally, went through the emotional rollercoaster, fyi it's very bumpy, don't try it :)


Going by the ultrasound results, the doctor explained, to make an official diagnosis I needed to undergo a core biopsy with a needle guided biopsy. So my best person and I got to it, we scheduled it and went in, holding our breathes, praying and hoping for the best. We go in and the technologist says my best person cannot come to the procedure room and my heart stops. How can he not? I couldn't possibly do this alone. Even if I couldn't see his face, I wanted to know he was in the room with me and I'd feel his presence. I waited for the doctor and asked his 'permission' and he said yes and sent the technologist to get him :) and I immediately relaxed. I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe it was going to be ok and so I needed one of the people in my life who did to be there and believe for me.


The doctor went in and started with the needle guided aspiration on the complicated cyst. I was positioned in a way that I could look at the screen and see the cyst and mass and watch as the needle went in. So I watch as the doc pokes the complicated cyst and it disappears. Oh glory. Sigh. And then he said before he could perform the core biopsy he needed to poke the mass to ensure it also wasn't a cyst. And what do you know he poked it and it disappeared too.


What do you know? both lesions were cysts. I've a big ol' ugly scar on my right tata but that's nothing to pay or even compare to the monster diagnosis. So yes I took my aspiration scar that sometimes hurts as hell and ran for dear life. It was a sign for me to start anew in life, to live right, to love without holding back, to kiss with my eyes closed, to feng shui anything that was holding me back in my life, to try harder and a little more everyday. I'm trying :)


Thank you, dear readers, for wishing me well. Thinking me happy thoughts, and 'holding' my hand through it all.

Last BUT not in way LEAST, please, my female readers do your monthly SBE and to my male readers encourage your loveds one to do them. Early detection saves lives!!!

Cancer

I was 12 years old when my grandma died of lymphoma cancer. I remember what great a woman she was. In the years preceding her death I remember how she had gone from the strong woman she had once been physically and mentally to a woman who was in and out of the hospital and clinics for chemo and follow ups. I remember all the pills she took. I remember how the doctors had tried different treatments, how the family had converged to agree upon what path to take after one treatment after the other failed. I remember my grandma telling us we were not to cry once she was no more. I remember her hair falling off. I remember the way she keep the food down an emesis basin always by her bed because of how often she threw up.

I remember it all like it was yesterday because its what lead me into the healthcare field. I had a burning passion to learn more about what was wrong with her, how I could help, how to say the right things (therapeutically), what to do and when to do it. I remember wanting to make my grandma feel ok, wanting to take it all away. Vowing oncology would be my specialty. Taking an interest in it during my rotations. I remember how my heart has broken with every oncology patient who has been under my care.

Yesterday I found a lump on my right breast it was the last thing I expected. Why me? why not me? I've not been the same since. I worry. I zone out. I'm here and not here. Tears keep flooding my eyes. Do I want to know? should I be worried this much? will it really end up been the monster or just a false alarm?

Emotions are boiling in me. Spilling out of me. I cannot put into words my worry. I cannot sleep. I cannot tell my family because they will worry too much and what if it turns out to be nothing. But what if it turns out to be something?

I'm taking this opportunity to encourage all of your my dear readers to perform your monthly SBE (Self Breast Exam)

It is going to be well because we are HELD

Because I couldn't possibly share with you my sorrow of losing yet another loved one. Lately all I write about here is death. And today I have no strength to even consider writing a poem. But I did read the history behind the song- It is well- about the man Horatio Spafford and how he first lost his only son and then in an effort to get his four daughters away from the grief and sorrow he put them on a boat to England only to lose them. I cannot imagine his sorrow or even compare it to what my family and I are feeling because we all grieve differently. And then there is Natalie Grant's song -Held- in which she sings about her friend who loses two loved ones in a span of 48hrs. Stop and think of it. How sorrowful it must have been and I bet still is. How the world must have span out of control for her friend.

As a healthcare professional I am well aware of the five stages of grieving. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When you lose a loved one you wonder if its ever going to get better, wonder how life could possibly go on without them, and you are angry at the world and life and even people for going on unscathed like nothing happened. And this is what causes as to linger in one grieving stage than the other or all together skip denial, anger and bargaining and just shoot straight for depression. They say time heals wounds but only to a certain extent. For example in my family's case we were just starting to 'heal' by coming into terms with all our losses in the past year. And then boom time has found a way to wound us over.

It is hard to even try to conceive the very idea that it is well or could be well in the end. The sacred has been torn from us over and over. But believe us we might not we are still HELD. It is very hard to believe that right now believe me but I believe in God and despite feeling forgotten I know He remembers us. I don't even believe that right now yet I do. Confusing huh? I know but that's how I feel right now. I just want God to remember us and make it stop. All these deaths, all these funerals...exceedingly exhausting and overwhelming physically, mentally, socially and in so many other ways on so many different levels.

2010

Not much to write home about. But I'd like to;

• Untie my tennies laces instead of kicking 'em off because when I have to got running the next day I still have to do it. Which by the way at that point is double work because at said point I not only have to untie I have to tie too. Silly but true
• Cook more & eat out less
• Eat out at those little on the street very cozy and intimate restaurants and cafes more w great company
• Not take a rain check on dessert
• Do all the little things that make me happy e.g. paint cellphone green (hi little (: ) and a cuppa green tea at 1am that will keep me awake for the rest of the night
• Deliriously read all my glamour issues cover to cover
• Make the bed when I wake up in the morning instead of trying to make it right before bed when half asleep
• Crawl into bed earlier
• Make it ok to put the one song I love on heavy rotation all day long
• Dance around naked in my apartment
• Sing out loud in the shower regardless of how tuneless I might be (and always are)
• Run in the rain
• Go hiking more often
• Live a little more with each new day
• Make the present count the most
• Make more diary/journal entries for when dementia kicks in LOL
• Strive to go to church every Sunday
• Drink more water
• Live for God in most areas of my life as is humanly possible
• Kiss with my eyes closed (I always do. Oops did I just kiss and tell?)
• Read more of my favorite blogs
• Rita thank you for the music paper in March. If I never said it here it is now very 'fashionably' late but still here. Thank you, thank you, thank you
• Pandave dear those adorable comments you leave are what makes me want to come back and do more entries. You're far too kind :)
• Sit on the steps w Rita and talk about all the random things our little minds can possibly conceive (which would seriously surprise you much)
• Read a good book. People its been eons since I did. Please make suggestions.
• Read the WHOLE bible in a year or less :)
• Find a way to be happy as I do my laundry. But even better would be if I could 'curse' less under my breath as I fold and put them away.
• Pick out outfits independent of whether or not they need ironing. Ironing has always been the biggest determining factor
• And the list is endless so I'll be back when I remember the rest
• In the meantime pray with me Haiti heals
• I hope y'all having a happy new year so far and all the very best in everything and in all areas of your life

My 2009

Oy! Idk where to start. This has been quite the year. As I write this the 70's show is on. I just stepped out of the shower after nursing a bad migraine all day. Now as I sip on my first drink to kick off this not so merry season it's not as chilly a blessing I'm grateful for today.

I vividly remember this time last year. I was at church for the Christmas service w a friend. On the actual Christmas day I had gone to the theater and watched Will Smith's Seven Pounds en route to a Christmas dinner w a friend's family before work that night. On New's year eve I was out of town w friends enjoying a few strawberry confusions. Now that I think about it I could really use a strawberry confusion nevermind the rum lol really anyone up for dinner at BJ's?

If there's something I've learned this year is to live life to the fullest. Cliche right? still that has been a lesson that has been reinforced over and over to the point of me yelling "I get it!!!" at the top of my lungs from too many tragedies this year :( I've gotten on my knees and prayed. I've prayed that yes I'll live today as if it were my last day (and yeah failed immensely), I'll love them more, forgive before sunset aka hold no grudges, I'll call everyone often, say I love them at the beginning of each conversation but not in a rushed way at the end, I'll hold my hand over my loved ones' mouth and say they do not need to repeat it but really I do love them and remind them how much they mean to me, I'll pray more, read my bible more, dance more, live a little more, kiss with my eyes closed, hold hands under the covers, not go to bed angry. And so I've done at least tried my best. Until that call or/and message has come and thrown me off over and over again, trusted less, the sacred has been torn from me/us and yet the world has gone on like my loved ones never lived nor existed expect to us. No fair! I digress.

Still there have been a lot more blessings like him and how he will comb the streets to find me a malt and not just the good ol' plain shake. My beloved family and friends. The perfect song for every moment, hours and hours of phone calls w my very extraordinarily loving mom, the great relationship I have w my mom, my siblings and how awesome and amazing they are, my paps because he knows to say the right thing each time we talk, a chilled glass of red, answered prayers, endless sex & the city seasons and episodes, my 2nd boyfriend tivo (oh how I love him), shoes, boots and scarfs, a shaken not stirred drink, cheerful text messages, calls that have lifted me up and loving messages, tights and long tees, my couch which I sleep on more than my bed, a walk in closet, long and passionate kisses, hugs, hugs, hugs, old-fashioned letters in the mail (ha!) a bowl of oatmeal w lemon (m'm! m'm! m'm!), readers like you, clean crisp bedsheets, good books, long walks w my Shi on the phone, great, never ending, sometimes very random conversations that have kept us up almost and even all night w my Shi, graduation and a blissful month w the folks during the summer, my zune, oh my zune how I love you lol, stupid moments, the amazing GodChicks daily steps devotional *ty to MoMo*, ahhhh facials w MoMo, great reads (posts) on your blogs, perfect fitting bras, and I could go on and on and on and never stop so please you must allow me to stop here and go no further.

Yet I'm ready for 2009 to end hoping it takes with it this year's tragedies and brings some brand new blessings upon us and ready to see 2010 turn things green again for my family and I and you too!!!

I dare not forget our fallen beloved loved ones. I'm certain w/o a doubt this Christmas you're ALL in a much much more merrier place kicking it w the angels and your souls are resting in unfathomable peace.

RIP Aunt Catherine

RIP Grandma Alice

RIP Uncle John

RIP Uncle Joe

RIP Grandma Rachel

RIP Uncle Ben

RIP Uncle Joel

RIP Cousin Ben

This is for our fallen 'soldiers' we miss you although you gone we with you...gone 'from battle field' life is so fcuking real. We don't want more funerals...don't want more burials

Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad :)

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas & an exceedingly prosperous New Year!!!

Nipped in the bud

he left us too young

twenty days ago today

a young man so full of life

they said he lived a legacy

the poll bearers his young friends

they lifted him up in the air

said they had lost a hero

a hero he was on earth

and on his last journey on earth

he'd be so up up up they carried him

I believe they even said his swagga was UP

and that his passing was a loss to them

and the community

nipped in the bud

here today

and gone not tomorrow but today

the sacred torn from us

shattered

broken

we felt unheld

yet we knew still we were held

gone just like that

such a young soul

full of life

so promising

they came in hundreds and hundreds

gave him the best send off

bid him farewell

hopeful to meet him across the shore

Easy like a Sunday morning

I slowly rolled

my right foot steadily on the brake

behind another

as we all lined up

all under the same sentence

a red light

headed to different places

not a clue where any of us

was coming from or was headed

for all we knew we could have been headed the place

but how could we?

all sheltered behind our windows

and doors

some windows up to keep out the chill

others down to enjoy the fresh morning air

and Sunday quiet

so nonchalant about each other's existence

still under the same sentence the red light

finally turned green

we rushed to our different destinations

some a bit hurried than others

probably not sure what the day held for us

some with plans

that would fall through

and others not

isn't such life?

such is life

c'est la vie

Oh Misery

oh me woman of little little faith

when did i start to falter

when did i start to believe less in myself

when did i stop hoping

and trusting

and having that convinced beyond a doubt feeling

when did i stop been that woman

who holds her head up high

as she shovels sand against the tides

when oh when did i allow myself

to wallow in doubt

and, oh! i've been down this road before

where my faith

it turned into disbelief

and now as doubt sneaks up on me

i refuse to get caught again

the wait

it's killing me this waiting
i turn and toss
the thoughts torture me
day after day
can i know already
can it linger any longer
yes i'm consoled that though it linger
it shall come to pass
still i wonder
still i rack my brains
yet i dare not doubt
i trust
i hope
i believe
my faith is set in Him
so despite the wait
i'm already a victor
i've made it

written in stone

I'm going back to the place I started
seeking thee
needing thee
wanting thee
expecting thee
discerning thee
crying for you
words written
so whoever sees it may run with it
though it has lingered
i trust
i hope
i pray
i doubt not
it's coming to pass
this desire
this passion
this prayer
not my will but thine

Getting to Know Me

Getting To Know You

Copy all questions, write responses, and tag yourselves, blogger pals.


1. What time did you get up this morning?
-0700

2. How do you like your steak?
-medium rare (thanks to Jimmy)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-the Hangover-hilarious and craazzzzzzzzzzy movie

4. What is your favorite TV show?
- army wives

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
-Greece

6. What did you have for breakfast?
-two cups of green tea

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
-Thai

8. What foods do you dislike?
-anything mushy (and not mashed potatoes those are MASHY)

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
-anywhere with calamari as an appetizer and a great "atmosphere"

10. Favorite dressing?
-balsamic vinaigrette

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
-i'm driven

12. What are your favorite clothes?
- all things comfy, tights and a long tee, jeans w/cute tee

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
-depending on what's in the cup but mostly 1/2 full

15. Where would you want to retire?
-Kenya

16. Favorite time of day?
-sunset/evening but i love the sunrise if I'm out there working out (read: never)

17. Where were you born?
-KE

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
-rugby and soccer is beginning to rub on from my trillion guy friends

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
-idk

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
-idk

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
-all of y'all blogger pals

22. Bird watcher?
-if they're about to poop on me

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-actually both an early bird and a night owl

24. Do you have any pets?
-Used to a yorkie, Milo miss you my handsome boy

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
-I love God a little more today than I did yesterday

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
-I always wanted to be a tout. I thought they were cool peoples. You know from the way they dressed to the whistles and language. I. w.as so.ld. Talk of a dreamless kid right!? a few years down the line my grandma (RIP) was diagnosed with Cancer and I knew with all that I was I was cut out to be in the medical field with a specialty in oncology and now I love love what I do

27. What is your best childhood memory?
-Going to the horse races with paps. We never lost a bet. HA!

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
-I'm allergic to cats thanks to my sinuses and therefore see #24

29. Are you married?
-nay but some guy proposed last night haha

30. Always wear your seat belt?
-the other night my uncle and I are driving home and we are like literally a minute away from the house and it must have been like 3am and he's sitting beside me and suddenly I can feel him in the dark fumbling for the seat belt and a second later I hear the click sound signifying he was buckled up. And I go like whatchu doing willis!? and he tells me to always buckle up despite how close I am to getting where I am going. And I look at him not queit seeing him in the dark and think "whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?!" LOL but seriously now I buckle up all the time infact I used to drive this car that wouldn't start before all the seat belts clicked LOL whatevs. Seriously, y'all click it or ticket

31. Been in a car accident?
-yes

32. Any pet peeves?
-dishonesty, uncleanliness

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
-sausage

34. Favorite Flower?
- white roses

35. Favorite ice cream?
-half vanilla, half coffee mixed with crushed almonds...mmm little piece of heaven

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
-In & Out bebe!!!

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
-Zero

38. From whom did you get your last email?
-My uncle from #30 and it's a shame I've not yet replied

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
-Steve Madden. Shoes and purses bebe!!!

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
-I partied on Friday from 1900hrs to Saturday 0530hrs and at 0630hrs I was hiking the highest point of the city of San Diego. Cowles Mountains 1592 feet. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

41. Like your job?
-I love my job

42. Broccoli?
-yes if I pre-Beano or post-gas x (gas on your mind?!)

43. What was your favorite vacation?
-Los Angeles w the folks

44. Last person(s) you went out to dinner with?
-J & M

45. What are you listening to right now?
-Wash Away by Joe Purdy

46. What is your favorite color?
-black (but my family and friends have convinced me to start shopping and wearing more colors) what can I say in my defense I'm a newyorkian at heart

47. How many tattoos do you have?
-One, left shoulder blade

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
- please tag yourselves, blogger pals (-:

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
-2143hrs

50. Coffee Drinker?
-nay. green tea guzzler

Life & Death

it's the glasses that sit on the floor
how we convert a decent contemporary living room
in to a camp
things lying around on the floor
empty glasses
a shoe here
a sandal there
a comforter here
a halfway full bottle of water under the table
movies strewn on the carpet
c'est la vie
this is life
like squeaky plates set on the table for dinner
so clean, pretty and bubbling with life
until food is eaten off of them
then they aren't so clean anymore
and now a pile of dirty dishes spills out of the sink
so lifeless
so used
so trampled upon
slowly life sipping out of it
and death quickly replacing it

p.s, I just found out I lost another nursing school classmate. My heart is broken but how can it be broken while it has been broken all along. Last month it was my good classmate and the month before a close family member and somewhere in between all that my good good friend lost her sister. And I'm overwhelmed and at a loss for words.

The joke's on me

this is all too familiar
the deserted pavements
a few people here and there rushing
out of life
late for a coffee date
or to pick up a kid
better still done for the day
the buildings stand tall
as if in eager anticipation
of the return of them all
them who crowd the place
I enter the building
it too not bursting at its seams
only a few people here and there
a few like me
back ups sitting on the floor
pages turning
highlighters coloring the tables
so quiet
I'm distracted by the guy tapping his foot
on the carpeted floor
oh my heart aches at the nostalgia of it all
my soul longs to see the end of it one day

The angel of death attacks me again

All I seem to write about here lately is death. The spirit of death has loomed over me this year.

Tonight I just found out my good friend from nursing school died in a car accident. She was only 24. Just 24. I mean when did we start going so young? my heart is broken. It was not even about healed from the family tragedy we suffered in March and now this?

In my mind I keep seeing her in class. In class she sat on the right side of the very front row. I sat in the back so I had a pretty good view of her. And now in my mind that's all I see. Her bent over the books trying to find a certain chapter, quickly scribbling notes as the prof blabber mastered on, her fishing for a highlighter in her back pack to highlight the chapters that would be tested on the next exam, her hand up either to answer questions or ask some.

I see her sitting right there next to my other good friend and my heart breaks over and over again. I cannot wrap my head around why her and why so young and why after going through the grueling nursing school? I almost want to say what a waste but then again what will her family and friends say? how they must feel I cannot imagine.

Pray for Kara to rest in peace and for her family and friends to find hope and strength to carry on.

You Only Live Once Make Sure It's Enough

Happy Birthday

Today you'd have been 38. I look at the pictures and think they gotta be kidding me. I know you're gone but it's so hard to accept it. I keep expecting that random call or text. I keep expecting you to walk in. Looking at pictures is the hardest because it was just the other day and you were so full of life. I look at those pictures and think no he can't be gone but I know you're gone because it's been a while since we've talked or seen each other. Dos Equis not only urges us to stay thirsty but also to live life to the fullest and I'm convinced beyond doubt they did that new commercial for you. And yes I know for a fact they must have it on tap there for the special angel you're.

Today, for the first time in 5 years we went out and bought our own drinks. We dressed up, got in the car and went out. How strange was it for you not to be there? you the person who always ordered our drinks and made sure in our staying thirsty we didn't stay thirsty? how odd was it for us to dance and not have you hovering over us ensuring we were having a good time? but we did because we know it's what you'd have wanted us to do. It's what you want us to do from up there, live life to the fullest because if there's one thing we're forced to learn from your unexpected demise is that life is fleeting and oh no we don't call the shots on this one.

RIP. We're staying thirsty for you, remembering you, loving you, missing you, thinking of you and trying to fit the shoes you've left behind for us to walk in despite the difficulty of living up to your standards and the person you were because indeed you were one of a kind and cannot and NEVER will be replaced.

Today, we love you in death as much as we loved you in life.

Celebrating You

It's one month today since you've been gone. We celebrate a life well lived and accomplished. A life well lived is well worth recording. A life full of laughter, joy and reaching out to others.

You were a star and still each day you shine down on us from heaven.

Shine on!!!

Artist: Robbie Robertson Lyrics
Song: Shine Your Light Lyrics

The cry of the city like a siren's song
Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long
Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky
Must be someone's soul passing by

These are the streets
Where we used to run where your Papa's from
These are the days
Where you become what you become
These are the streets
Where the story's told
The truth unfolds
Darkness settles in

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on

Don't wanna be a hero
Just an everyday man
Trying to do the job the very best he can
But now it's like living on borrowed time
Out on the rim, over the line
Always tempting fate like a game of chance
Never wanna stick around to the very last dance
Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall
Loose(?) hold your grip off the wall

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
Carry on

I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road
Maybe trying to find his way home

He's here but not here
He's gone but not gone
Just hope he knows if I get lost

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
To carry on

Our Dear

Yesterday we were together
you hugged us and kissed us
yesterday we saw you lying there motionless
this time you didn't reciprocate the touch
we put you in the ground
for the first time we left you behind
yesterday you didn't come along with us
you had to stay
and we were so sad about it
we stood around you and wept
still we felt you touch us to console us
still we had your laugh as we read your beautiful tributes
you sneaky punk
still you shone on us
still you were amongst us in your own way
today I saw you
you were the sun rays that penetrated my blinds
awakening me to a beautiful day
today I felt you
you were the strong waves that beat at my legs
as my feet sank in the sand at the beach
today I saw you
you were the ladybirds that crawled up my arms
tickling me as I lay on the grass to dry up
today I saw you
you were the sand speckles that shone
so bright even through my sunshades
today we heard you
you were the voice of reason
that wanted us to stop holing up in the house
today we heard you
you were the strong laugh
that put a smile on each of our faces
today we heard you
you were the voice that wants us to go on
as you light up our ways
today we heard you
your promise that we'll still walk the same line
despite your sudden demise
we will see you every single day
because she is you and you her
today we miss you
and love you in death
as much as we did in life

Why you?

I keep forgetting why we're gathered here? Why we are on international calls day and night? why we must fight to pick a wooden casket over a cast iron one? why my head has hurt since Tuesday? and why I can't seem to get off my feet? and why when I go to bed and close my eyes I see you and can't fall asleep? why there are tears in my eyes constantly? why I've missed class and work all week? why strangers have been calling with their sympathies? why we had to go out and buy the condolences book on Tuesday night? why we keep going shopping everyday and each morning we wake up we are out of food and have to start over? why she sits by me and says she wants to die to? why all these people are here? why I keep seeing you standing at the edge of my bed, in a corner in a room yet really can't join in? why you will NEVER walk in through that door again? why your car is parked up front and yet you're not home? why God had to choose you? why someone else drove the car you drove to work the previous night home that day? why we'll NEVER see you again? why? why? why? why? why

RIP Ben

Dear Ben,

You were a big brother to me
You watched out for me and
loved me always and took care of me and all of us really
And today when I received that phone call my heart dropped and sunk,
deeper that I thought possible,
my stomach knotted up as I gagged in my mouth,
repressing screams
and my head throbbed in the pain
as I tried to wrap my mind around it all
and comprehend it
And I dropped in the grass in sobs
because I could not believe you were gone
And as I get in to bed tonight
my heart aches and
tears I stopped all day now flow in torrents
I'll celebrate you in my crying because
it's the only way I know how
I hope and pray you're resting in eternal peace
and already watching down on us and wishing us well
Shine, like the star your were here on earth,
shine on us our dear Ben from up in heaven, shine

Listening to-Shine Your Light