Kicking death BUTT IN

I cannot quite recall the first time I lost a patient. Lost meaning death. But what I do recall is the stench of death. You might not believe it but even death has a very distinct aura. I have lost many patients along my career path and yes it is sad but I have also somewhat adapted to it and thus it has almost become second nature. Yes I concur it is strange. And I do not expect you to comprehend this.

So imagine my surprise this past week when death immensely shook me and not only that but kept me up all night. So up I stayed and went to bed when daylight finally returned. I could not get the death of this one patient out of my head. I kept re-living it in my head. And each time I felt the hairs on my neck stand up and my stomach turned upside down.

The death bug struck me back to back on Tuesday and again on Wednesday. On Thursday surprisingly given my sleep-deprived state I was in the clear. Little did I know death would rear its ugly face once again as if in an attempt to make it my worst week yet like it hadn't already.

But come Friday I was ready for it. How you ask? when the paramedics transported my patient upon assessment I noticed he was already starting to mottle meaning he was actively dying. I stood by the wife of 65 years as she held his hand and whispered how she loved him in death. She left shortly after tightly grasping my hand and begging me to ensure he did not suffer. So when he started to struggle for air and hold his breath I stood by him and rubbed his head. Rubbing his head I gently sung (It is well) close to his ear. Peacefully he stopped struggling for air and stopped breathing as life escaped him. As his body grew cold I couldn't help thinking his wife's wish had come true, he had not suffered. I simultaneously glanced at my watch for the time of death as I called the wife to inform her of his passing.

So yes I kicked death's ass by being at peace as my patient headed to the after life. My neck hairs did not stand this time but I was overwhelmed and in an unfathomable haze of both confusion and clarity as I subconsciously marveled at how the line between life and death is not just thin but faint.

Working in an environment where death is constantly imminent has taught me that life is much more shorter than we perceive it to be. At the risk of sounding cliche it has taught me to not just live a little but really live life.

My 2009

Oy! Idk where to start. This has been quite the year. As I write this the 70's show is on. I just stepped out of the shower after nursing a bad migraine all day. Now as I sip on my first drink to kick off this not so merry season it's not as chilly a blessing I'm grateful for today.

I vividly remember this time last year. I was at church for the Christmas service w a friend. On the actual Christmas day I had gone to the theater and watched Will Smith's Seven Pounds en route to a Christmas dinner w a friend's family before work that night. On New's year eve I was out of town w friends enjoying a few strawberry confusions. Now that I think about it I could really use a strawberry confusion nevermind the rum lol really anyone up for dinner at BJ's?

If there's something I've learned this year is to live life to the fullest. Cliche right? still that has been a lesson that has been reinforced over and over to the point of me yelling "I get it!!!" at the top of my lungs from too many tragedies this year :( I've gotten on my knees and prayed. I've prayed that yes I'll live today as if it were my last day (and yeah failed immensely), I'll love them more, forgive before sunset aka hold no grudges, I'll call everyone often, say I love them at the beginning of each conversation but not in a rushed way at the end, I'll hold my hand over my loved ones' mouth and say they do not need to repeat it but really I do love them and remind them how much they mean to me, I'll pray more, read my bible more, dance more, live a little more, kiss with my eyes closed, hold hands under the covers, not go to bed angry. And so I've done at least tried my best. Until that call or/and message has come and thrown me off over and over again, trusted less, the sacred has been torn from me/us and yet the world has gone on like my loved ones never lived nor existed expect to us. No fair! I digress.

Still there have been a lot more blessings like him and how he will comb the streets to find me a malt and not just the good ol' plain shake. My beloved family and friends. The perfect song for every moment, hours and hours of phone calls w my very extraordinarily loving mom, the great relationship I have w my mom, my siblings and how awesome and amazing they are, my paps because he knows to say the right thing each time we talk, a chilled glass of red, answered prayers, endless sex & the city seasons and episodes, my 2nd boyfriend tivo (oh how I love him), shoes, boots and scarfs, a shaken not stirred drink, cheerful text messages, calls that have lifted me up and loving messages, tights and long tees, my couch which I sleep on more than my bed, a walk in closet, long and passionate kisses, hugs, hugs, hugs, old-fashioned letters in the mail (ha!) a bowl of oatmeal w lemon (m'm! m'm! m'm!), readers like you, clean crisp bedsheets, good books, long walks w my Shi on the phone, great, never ending, sometimes very random conversations that have kept us up almost and even all night w my Shi, graduation and a blissful month w the folks during the summer, my zune, oh my zune how I love you lol, stupid moments, the amazing GodChicks daily steps devotional *ty to MoMo*, ahhhh facials w MoMo, great reads (posts) on your blogs, perfect fitting bras, and I could go on and on and on and never stop so please you must allow me to stop here and go no further.

Yet I'm ready for 2009 to end hoping it takes with it this year's tragedies and brings some brand new blessings upon us and ready to see 2010 turn things green again for my family and I and you too!!!

I dare not forget our fallen beloved loved ones. I'm certain w/o a doubt this Christmas you're ALL in a much much more merrier place kicking it w the angels and your souls are resting in unfathomable peace.

RIP Aunt Catherine

RIP Grandma Alice

RIP Uncle John

RIP Uncle Joe

RIP Grandma Rachel

RIP Uncle Ben

RIP Uncle Joel

RIP Cousin Ben

This is for our fallen 'soldiers' we miss you although you gone we with you...gone 'from battle field' life is so fcuking real. We don't want more funerals...don't want more burials

Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad :)

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas & an exceedingly prosperous New Year!!!

Nipped in the bud

he left us too young

twenty days ago today

a young man so full of life

they said he lived a legacy

the poll bearers his young friends

they lifted him up in the air

said they had lost a hero

a hero he was on earth

and on his last journey on earth

he'd be so up up up they carried him

I believe they even said his swagga was UP

and that his passing was a loss to them

and the community

nipped in the bud

here today

and gone not tomorrow but today

the sacred torn from us

shattered

broken

we felt unheld

yet we knew still we were held

gone just like that

such a young soul

full of life

so promising

they came in hundreds and hundreds

gave him the best send off

bid him farewell

hopeful to meet him across the shore

Our Dear

Yesterday we were together
you hugged us and kissed us
yesterday we saw you lying there motionless
this time you didn't reciprocate the touch
we put you in the ground
for the first time we left you behind
yesterday you didn't come along with us
you had to stay
and we were so sad about it
we stood around you and wept
still we felt you touch us to console us
still we had your laugh as we read your beautiful tributes
you sneaky punk
still you shone on us
still you were amongst us in your own way
today I saw you
you were the sun rays that penetrated my blinds
awakening me to a beautiful day
today I felt you
you were the strong waves that beat at my legs
as my feet sank in the sand at the beach
today I saw you
you were the ladybirds that crawled up my arms
tickling me as I lay on the grass to dry up
today I saw you
you were the sand speckles that shone
so bright even through my sunshades
today we heard you
you were the voice of reason
that wanted us to stop holing up in the house
today we heard you
you were the strong laugh
that put a smile on each of our faces
today we heard you
you were the voice that wants us to go on
as you light up our ways
today we heard you
your promise that we'll still walk the same line
despite your sudden demise
we will see you every single day
because she is you and you her
today we miss you
and love you in death
as much as we did in life