Freedom

The breeze hits my face
a breath of fresh air
my lungs filling up
my feet pound against the pavement
I can't breath
Oh yes indeed I can breath
I push forward
momentarily blinded
not by dusk
from the sweat that dribbles my face
my heart thumps
violently against my chest 
my taste buds conjuring it
I know this feeling
This what it feels like to set myself free

What makes me feel the prettiest

• Sitting on the rug in my living, in front of the tv, my legs crossed, enjoying an extra hot cuppa tea
• Talking to my mom
• The feeling of clean cool bed sheets against my body
• My hair up in a bun
• A clear mind
• When he says "I miss you. Do you miss me?"
• Clean laundry
• A chilled glass of red
• A spotless bathroom
• A crisp cold bowl of cereal with a hint of vanilla&cinnamon
• Reading a new book
• How my hair feels after deep shampoo and conditioning
• A day off
• Hiking a trail that kicks my little behind
• When our song comes on a playlist or while we are out and we drop everything and dance to it
• The strength in my arms when I lift my 10lb dumb bells
• The first cup of tea in the morning
• Smell of lavender
• A fan blowing in my face
• How still my heart is when I pray or read the bible
• Resonating with music

Lover of my soul

My heart beats for you
it aches for you
my thoughts slow down without you
my eyes well up with tears for you
the beat picks up in anticipation
my arms long for yours
my stomach turns, the acid in it churns
my brain refuses to comprehend
the time as it lingers
I long for you
another second, day, week
sheets entangle my body, tosses and turns
My heart refuses to go on without you

Believe

You better believe we cry

we break

we hurt

we are torn

but tears become strength

the broken are mended

the torn are rebuilt

and you better believe

we get up

and the sun it shines again

and the sorrow it fades into the horizon with the rain

you best believe it

Phew

For a second or two there I couldn't remember my password :( So glad I did because I think am up to blogging after going AWOL

Kicking death BUTT IN

I cannot quite recall the first time I lost a patient. Lost meaning death. But what I do recall is the stench of death. You might not believe it but even death has a very distinct aura. I have lost many patients along my career path and yes it is sad but I have also somewhat adapted to it and thus it has almost become second nature. Yes I concur it is strange. And I do not expect you to comprehend this.

So imagine my surprise this past week when death immensely shook me and not only that but kept me up all night. So up I stayed and went to bed when daylight finally returned. I could not get the death of this one patient out of my head. I kept re-living it in my head. And each time I felt the hairs on my neck stand up and my stomach turned upside down.

The death bug struck me back to back on Tuesday and again on Wednesday. On Thursday surprisingly given my sleep-deprived state I was in the clear. Little did I know death would rear its ugly face once again as if in an attempt to make it my worst week yet like it hadn't already.

But come Friday I was ready for it. How you ask? when the paramedics transported my patient upon assessment I noticed he was already starting to mottle meaning he was actively dying. I stood by the wife of 65 years as she held his hand and whispered how she loved him in death. She left shortly after tightly grasping my hand and begging me to ensure he did not suffer. So when he started to struggle for air and hold his breath I stood by him and rubbed his head. Rubbing his head I gently sung (It is well) close to his ear. Peacefully he stopped struggling for air and stopped breathing as life escaped him. As his body grew cold I couldn't help thinking his wife's wish had come true, he had not suffered. I simultaneously glanced at my watch for the time of death as I called the wife to inform her of his passing.

So yes I kicked death's ass by being at peace as my patient headed to the after life. My neck hairs did not stand this time but I was overwhelmed and in an unfathomable haze of both confusion and clarity as I subconsciously marveled at how the line between life and death is not just thin but faint.

Working in an environment where death is constantly imminent has taught me that life is much more shorter than we perceive it to be. At the risk of sounding cliche it has taught me to not just live a little but really live life.

Gratitude

I lift my hands

up high in praise

I thank YOU Lord

Emptiness

I clutch my belly

bent over

distorted in anguish

pain is my name

my hut has burned down

my stream run dry

stones pelted at me

my soul is sorrowful

boils afflict my body

tears scorch my face

no shade on my back

darkness has overtaken me

I have nothing

Courage Is fear that has said its prayers

Up
its quiet dark night
no peace of mind
hanging by a thread
spiraling down
stomach churns
mind boggles
tears sting
the sky is bare
but no moon
daylight peeks
yet no sunlight
scared
am I failing?

Untitled

I hoped your departure
it would halt time
that the once green leaves
wouldn't turn gold so soon
that the recently clean streets
wouldn't be covered in snow
once innocent now
defiled by the winds
and chill
the kids playing the yards
now only a vague memory
fading quickly into the horizon
the bright colorful days
now threatened by looming dark clouds full of rain
I prayed that you would forget us
let us catch our breathe
move on to a different place
and away from us
but you returned
too soon
stealing from us again
leaving us where you first left us
robbed, scared and alone

My Neighbors From Hell

You know that new show -Neighbors from Hell- ? well guess what? I'm living it! My neighbors are definitely out to get me and make my life as miserable as possible. You know the kind that make you not look forward to coming home from work even after one of those days? yea those. The kind that makes you gag a little in your mouth every time they walk by you because really how can they be so mean for absolutely no apparent reason. The kind that makes you want to move out and pay for a vacant apartment while living elsewhere. Because peace is of absolute importance to you.

What and where is home I ask? the place where the heart is? cliche but true. For most of us it is the place where our loved ones both family and friends are. While for some of us who are away from home it is that place that we turn into our little haven. The place where we escape to after a long 10hr shift of wearing the overpriced danskos that are supposed to give you back relief but really why are my heels and soles blistered and what is that ache that wasn't there yesterday. It's that peaceful place where you leave the world's troubles at the door and indulge yourself. It might be some soothing music, reading a book, a long shower, a bubble bath, a chilled glass of red at 9am because here in your little haven you make the rules. And who ever said we all don't have a lil French in us?

So when your little haven suddenly turns into a place you don't find peace and find yourself in. When it becomes a place where you can no longer lose yourself only to find yourself in time for the next shift. If that place becomes somewhere you don't look forward to going. If it makes you comb the streets for a spot instead of your assigned spot in the back. Then something is very wrong and it needs to be rectified with urgency.

And so that is why instead of coming home after a long shift at work and going to sleep I've been driving around looking for a new place and scheduling back to back viewings. I guess after living in one place for so long I forgot how finding a new place is a whole other job. I forgot how hard it is to find all the amenities you desire in one place. Like how a place can have a sauna, two year round heated pools and not have a dishwasher is beyond me or how it can have a dishwasher, patio, sauna, pool and not have a washer/dryer on site. Or how it can have everything I'm looking for and yet be a downstairs unit. Really how can I not feel like the universe has ganged up against me? I need to move by early September. Its taken everything in me this far to not use a few or very many choice words and tell 'em off. Its taking the little peace I have left after work. And I do not want to. I refuse to live here a day longer than I should. I want out. I want my peace. I want my quiet. I want to reclaim my safe, peaceful, quiet haven all over again because I deserve it.

So pray for me my dear readers. Pray for me to find a place soon and to start the moving process.

My Neighbors From Hell

You know that new show -Neighbors from Hell- ? well guess what? I'm living it! My neighbors are definitely out to get me and make my life as miserable as possible. You know the kind that make you not look forward to coming home from work even after one of those days? yea those. The kind that makes you gag a little in your mouth every time they walk by you because really how can they be so mean for absolutely no apparent reason. The kind that makes you want to move out and pay for a vacant apartment while living elsewhere. Because peace is of absolute importance to you.

What and where is home I ask? the place where the heart is? cliche but true. For most of us it is the place where our loved ones both family and friends are. While for some of us who are away from home it is that place that we turn into our little haven. The place where we escape to after a long 10hr shift of wearing the overpriced danskos that are supposed to give you back relief but really why are my heels and soles blistered and what is that ache that wasn't there yesterday. It's that peaceful place where you leave the world's troubles at the door and indulge yourself. It might be some soothing music, reading a book, a long shower, a bubble bath, a chilled glass of red at 9am because here in your little haven you make the rules. And who ever said we all don't have a lil French in us?

So when your little haven suddenly turns into a place you don't find peace and find yourself in. When it becomes a place where you can no longer lose yourself only to find yourself in time for the next shift. If that place becomes somewhere you don't look forward to going. If it makes you comb the streets for a spot instead of your assigned spot in the back. Then something is very wrong and it needs to be rectified with urgency.

And so that is why instead of coming home after a long shift at work and going to sleep I've been driving around looking for a new place and scheduling back to back viewings. I guess after living in one place for so long I forgot how finding a new place is a whole other job. I forgot how hard it is to find all the amenities you desire in one place. Like how a place can have a sauna, two year round heated pools and not have a dishwasher is beyond me or how it can have a dishwasher, patio, sauna, pool and not have a washer/dryer on site. Or how it can have everything I'm looking for and yet be a downstairs unit. Really how can I not feel like the universe has ganged up against me? I need to move by early September. Its taken everything in me this far to not use a few or very many choice words and tell 'em off. Its taking the little peace I have left after work. And I do not want to. I refuse to live here a day longer than I should. I want out. I want my peace. I want my quiet. I want to reclaim my safe, peaceful, quiet haven all over again because I deserve it.

So pray for me my dear readers. Pray for me to find a place soon and to start the moving process.

Is Chivalry DEAD!?!

Lately, I seem to have the unfortunate knack to run into men who're 'interested' in me. And by interested I mean we've never met, I don't know them, they don't know me, they've probably not even seen my face just my back and boom they like me. Woe is me. They say they want to take me out to dinner, for coffee, drinks and even to church. Really church? because I'm having doubts God would approve.

I want to ask all my female readers, has any of you ever had to tell the marriage fib to get out of a man pursuing you? marriage fib here meaning that you're single, and by single you could or could not be in a relationship but definitely not married. So there's this guy showing some interest and to shut him down and/or the only way to get out of it is saying you're married and even then your been married is not enough because men nowadays cannot take a no for a no and despite telling them you're married gets them more interested? I mean someone please tell what in the world is going on? One even had the nerve to tell me I didn't have a married woman's voice. Pardon my ignorance but how exactly do married women talk?

The other had the nerve to want to hang out with my significant other and I to prove the fact that I am indeed 'taken'? the other the nerve to offer me a warm can of natural light beer he pulled out of a black plastic bag. I mean really? what happened to men respecting the fact that a woman is taken and/or not interested and taking that as a hint to back off? have days evolved that much? are men not men enough to take no for an answer? does it have anything to do with those who have preceded us? might they have said no and meant yes thus giving men the idea that when we say no in reality we mean yes ? or is chivalry indeed dead?

I'd want to say it's not dead based on personal judgement e.g. the other day I'm cruising the parking lot where all spots were taken and this guy was loading up his car and had a few more trips to make between the car and his apartment. And when he noticed my futile attempts to find a spot he offered to move his car to a 20 minute spot and gave me his spot. I mean if that is not a perfect example of a gentlemen I don't know what is. A sign that chivalry just might not be dead. Not all the way, at least not for me. Yet I know such incidences are far and in between. Still better half a loaf than not?

Cancer Scare

Just a quick update to let everyone know I had the lump checked out.

It has been a very scary time for my loved ones and me. I did gather some strength and went in with my best person. When we went for the first appointment the doctor who checked it literally freaked out and wrote me an ultrasound STAT order. Of course her freaking out freaked me out even more. So I immediately scheduled an appointment and went in. And the radiologist who read the results freaked out and broke HIPPA by letting me know on the phone that it "looked bad" and the oncology team was considering a mammogram. Unless, one has a history of breast cancer, mammograms are not recommended at 25.

The other thing is that whichever doctor I went to see, or/and radiologist kept asking my age and shaking their head in utter disbelief at how and why this could be happening at my age. One doctor informed me cases such as mine didn't occur often. However, she had diagnosed a 25y.o. with breast cancer before. This only made me more miserable and very scared for my life.

The ultrasound results came back indicating not one lump, but two. Uhm excuse me? And not just a mere lump but one they called a complicated cyst and the other a complex mass. And sans to say my life came to a sudden halt, I didn't eat, I couldn't construct a sentence without choking up. Mentally, I started to 'put things in order' just in case this was it. Not much to put in order though for the lack of an estate at the mere age of 25, but hey if shoes could actually make up an estate then I just might have had quite a bit to do :)


The surprising thing? I did not once think "why me?" (well, not literally) instead I thought why not me, why someone else. I told myself, if my going through this meant saving someone else from going through it then let it be. But then I thought hey I was just 25 and barely starting to live life, that condo I wanted, those Manolo Blahniks, and that dress, omg that dress and the vacay c'mmon really God at 25? couldn't God have waited. Then, I started to question. How did God decide who go it and who didn't and what he went off of? did it matter what you had already gone through in life? in terms of struggles or/and even accomplishments? because if He had first checked with me (lol) then I think I've been through quite a bit, struggle wise, which should be enough for a lifetime and I'm just starting to meet my goals in life accomplishment-wise so shouldn't I at least stick around and enjoy the labor of my hard work?. I felt anything and everything there was to feel. Literally, went through the emotional rollercoaster, fyi it's very bumpy, don't try it :)


Going by the ultrasound results, the doctor explained, to make an official diagnosis I needed to undergo a core biopsy with a needle guided biopsy. So my best person and I got to it, we scheduled it and went in, holding our breathes, praying and hoping for the best. We go in and the technologist says my best person cannot come to the procedure room and my heart stops. How can he not? I couldn't possibly do this alone. Even if I couldn't see his face, I wanted to know he was in the room with me and I'd feel his presence. I waited for the doctor and asked his 'permission' and he said yes and sent the technologist to get him :) and I immediately relaxed. I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe it was going to be ok and so I needed one of the people in my life who did to be there and believe for me.


The doctor went in and started with the needle guided aspiration on the complicated cyst. I was positioned in a way that I could look at the screen and see the cyst and mass and watch as the needle went in. So I watch as the doc pokes the complicated cyst and it disappears. Oh glory. Sigh. And then he said before he could perform the core biopsy he needed to poke the mass to ensure it also wasn't a cyst. And what do you know he poked it and it disappeared too.


What do you know? both lesions were cysts. I've a big ol' ugly scar on my right tata but that's nothing to pay or even compare to the monster diagnosis. So yes I took my aspiration scar that sometimes hurts as hell and ran for dear life. It was a sign for me to start anew in life, to live right, to love without holding back, to kiss with my eyes closed, to feng shui anything that was holding me back in my life, to try harder and a little more everyday. I'm trying :)


Thank you, dear readers, for wishing me well. Thinking me happy thoughts, and 'holding' my hand through it all.

Last BUT not in way LEAST, please, my female readers do your monthly SBE and to my male readers encourage your loveds one to do them. Early detection saves lives!!!

Cancer

I was 12 years old when my grandma died of lymphoma cancer. I remember what great a woman she was. In the years preceding her death I remember how she had gone from the strong woman she had once been physically and mentally to a woman who was in and out of the hospital and clinics for chemo and follow ups. I remember all the pills she took. I remember how the doctors had tried different treatments, how the family had converged to agree upon what path to take after one treatment after the other failed. I remember my grandma telling us we were not to cry once she was no more. I remember her hair falling off. I remember the way she keep the food down an emesis basin always by her bed because of how often she threw up.

I remember it all like it was yesterday because its what lead me into the healthcare field. I had a burning passion to learn more about what was wrong with her, how I could help, how to say the right things (therapeutically), what to do and when to do it. I remember wanting to make my grandma feel ok, wanting to take it all away. Vowing oncology would be my specialty. Taking an interest in it during my rotations. I remember how my heart has broken with every oncology patient who has been under my care.

Yesterday I found a lump on my right breast it was the last thing I expected. Why me? why not me? I've not been the same since. I worry. I zone out. I'm here and not here. Tears keep flooding my eyes. Do I want to know? should I be worried this much? will it really end up been the monster or just a false alarm?

Emotions are boiling in me. Spilling out of me. I cannot put into words my worry. I cannot sleep. I cannot tell my family because they will worry too much and what if it turns out to be nothing. But what if it turns out to be something?

I'm taking this opportunity to encourage all of your my dear readers to perform your monthly SBE (Self Breast Exam)

It is going to be well because we are HELD

Because I couldn't possibly share with you my sorrow of losing yet another loved one. Lately all I write about here is death. And today I have no strength to even consider writing a poem. But I did read the history behind the song- It is well- about the man Horatio Spafford and how he first lost his only son and then in an effort to get his four daughters away from the grief and sorrow he put them on a boat to England only to lose them. I cannot imagine his sorrow or even compare it to what my family and I are feeling because we all grieve differently. And then there is Natalie Grant's song -Held- in which she sings about her friend who loses two loved ones in a span of 48hrs. Stop and think of it. How sorrowful it must have been and I bet still is. How the world must have span out of control for her friend.

As a healthcare professional I am well aware of the five stages of grieving. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When you lose a loved one you wonder if its ever going to get better, wonder how life could possibly go on without them, and you are angry at the world and life and even people for going on unscathed like nothing happened. And this is what causes as to linger in one grieving stage than the other or all together skip denial, anger and bargaining and just shoot straight for depression. They say time heals wounds but only to a certain extent. For example in my family's case we were just starting to 'heal' by coming into terms with all our losses in the past year. And then boom time has found a way to wound us over.

It is hard to even try to conceive the very idea that it is well or could be well in the end. The sacred has been torn from us over and over. But believe us we might not we are still HELD. It is very hard to believe that right now believe me but I believe in God and despite feeling forgotten I know He remembers us. I don't even believe that right now yet I do. Confusing huh? I know but that's how I feel right now. I just want God to remember us and make it stop. All these deaths, all these funerals...exceedingly exhausting and overwhelming physically, mentally, socially and in so many other ways on so many different levels.

2010

Not much to write home about. But I'd like to;

• Untie my tennies laces instead of kicking 'em off because when I have to got running the next day I still have to do it. Which by the way at that point is double work because at said point I not only have to untie I have to tie too. Silly but true
• Cook more & eat out less
• Eat out at those little on the street very cozy and intimate restaurants and cafes more w great company
• Not take a rain check on dessert
• Do all the little things that make me happy e.g. paint cellphone green (hi little (: ) and a cuppa green tea at 1am that will keep me awake for the rest of the night
• Deliriously read all my glamour issues cover to cover
• Make the bed when I wake up in the morning instead of trying to make it right before bed when half asleep
• Crawl into bed earlier
• Make it ok to put the one song I love on heavy rotation all day long
• Dance around naked in my apartment
• Sing out loud in the shower regardless of how tuneless I might be (and always are)
• Run in the rain
• Go hiking more often
• Live a little more with each new day
• Make the present count the most
• Make more diary/journal entries for when dementia kicks in LOL
• Strive to go to church every Sunday
• Drink more water
• Live for God in most areas of my life as is humanly possible
• Kiss with my eyes closed (I always do. Oops did I just kiss and tell?)
• Read more of my favorite blogs
• Rita thank you for the music paper in March. If I never said it here it is now very 'fashionably' late but still here. Thank you, thank you, thank you
• Pandave dear those adorable comments you leave are what makes me want to come back and do more entries. You're far too kind :)
• Sit on the steps w Rita and talk about all the random things our little minds can possibly conceive (which would seriously surprise you much)
• Read a good book. People its been eons since I did. Please make suggestions.
• Read the WHOLE bible in a year or less :)
• Find a way to be happy as I do my laundry. But even better would be if I could 'curse' less under my breath as I fold and put them away.
• Pick out outfits independent of whether or not they need ironing. Ironing has always been the biggest determining factor
• And the list is endless so I'll be back when I remember the rest
• In the meantime pray with me Haiti heals
• I hope y'all having a happy new year so far and all the very best in everything and in all areas of your life

My 2009

Oy! Idk where to start. This has been quite the year. As I write this the 70's show is on. I just stepped out of the shower after nursing a bad migraine all day. Now as I sip on my first drink to kick off this not so merry season it's not as chilly a blessing I'm grateful for today.

I vividly remember this time last year. I was at church for the Christmas service w a friend. On the actual Christmas day I had gone to the theater and watched Will Smith's Seven Pounds en route to a Christmas dinner w a friend's family before work that night. On New's year eve I was out of town w friends enjoying a few strawberry confusions. Now that I think about it I could really use a strawberry confusion nevermind the rum lol really anyone up for dinner at BJ's?

If there's something I've learned this year is to live life to the fullest. Cliche right? still that has been a lesson that has been reinforced over and over to the point of me yelling "I get it!!!" at the top of my lungs from too many tragedies this year :( I've gotten on my knees and prayed. I've prayed that yes I'll live today as if it were my last day (and yeah failed immensely), I'll love them more, forgive before sunset aka hold no grudges, I'll call everyone often, say I love them at the beginning of each conversation but not in a rushed way at the end, I'll hold my hand over my loved ones' mouth and say they do not need to repeat it but really I do love them and remind them how much they mean to me, I'll pray more, read my bible more, dance more, live a little more, kiss with my eyes closed, hold hands under the covers, not go to bed angry. And so I've done at least tried my best. Until that call or/and message has come and thrown me off over and over again, trusted less, the sacred has been torn from me/us and yet the world has gone on like my loved ones never lived nor existed expect to us. No fair! I digress.

Still there have been a lot more blessings like him and how he will comb the streets to find me a malt and not just the good ol' plain shake. My beloved family and friends. The perfect song for every moment, hours and hours of phone calls w my very extraordinarily loving mom, the great relationship I have w my mom, my siblings and how awesome and amazing they are, my paps because he knows to say the right thing each time we talk, a chilled glass of red, answered prayers, endless sex & the city seasons and episodes, my 2nd boyfriend tivo (oh how I love him), shoes, boots and scarfs, a shaken not stirred drink, cheerful text messages, calls that have lifted me up and loving messages, tights and long tees, my couch which I sleep on more than my bed, a walk in closet, long and passionate kisses, hugs, hugs, hugs, old-fashioned letters in the mail (ha!) a bowl of oatmeal w lemon (m'm! m'm! m'm!), readers like you, clean crisp bedsheets, good books, long walks w my Shi on the phone, great, never ending, sometimes very random conversations that have kept us up almost and even all night w my Shi, graduation and a blissful month w the folks during the summer, my zune, oh my zune how I love you lol, stupid moments, the amazing GodChicks daily steps devotional *ty to MoMo*, ahhhh facials w MoMo, great reads (posts) on your blogs, perfect fitting bras, and I could go on and on and on and never stop so please you must allow me to stop here and go no further.

Yet I'm ready for 2009 to end hoping it takes with it this year's tragedies and brings some brand new blessings upon us and ready to see 2010 turn things green again for my family and I and you too!!!

I dare not forget our fallen beloved loved ones. I'm certain w/o a doubt this Christmas you're ALL in a much much more merrier place kicking it w the angels and your souls are resting in unfathomable peace.

RIP Aunt Catherine

RIP Grandma Alice

RIP Uncle John

RIP Uncle Joe

RIP Grandma Rachel

RIP Uncle Ben

RIP Uncle Joel

RIP Cousin Ben

This is for our fallen 'soldiers' we miss you although you gone we with you...gone 'from battle field' life is so fcuking real. We don't want more funerals...don't want more burials

Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad :)

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas & an exceedingly prosperous New Year!!!

Nipped in the bud

he left us too young

twenty days ago today

a young man so full of life

they said he lived a legacy

the poll bearers his young friends

they lifted him up in the air

said they had lost a hero

a hero he was on earth

and on his last journey on earth

he'd be so up up up they carried him

I believe they even said his swagga was UP

and that his passing was a loss to them

and the community

nipped in the bud

here today

and gone not tomorrow but today

the sacred torn from us

shattered

broken

we felt unheld

yet we knew still we were held

gone just like that

such a young soul

full of life

so promising

they came in hundreds and hundreds

gave him the best send off

bid him farewell

hopeful to meet him across the shore

Easy like a Sunday morning

I slowly rolled

my right foot steadily on the brake

behind another

as we all lined up

all under the same sentence

a red light

headed to different places

not a clue where any of us

was coming from or was headed

for all we knew we could have been headed the place

but how could we?

all sheltered behind our windows

and doors

some windows up to keep out the chill

others down to enjoy the fresh morning air

and Sunday quiet

so nonchalant about each other's existence

still under the same sentence the red light

finally turned green

we rushed to our different destinations

some a bit hurried than others

probably not sure what the day held for us

some with plans

that would fall through

and others not

isn't such life?

such is life

c'est la vie