I'm doing this b/c am bored

1. Where is my cell phone? beside my left hand
2. My Vehicle? is a black baby
3. My hair? is always braided
4. My father? always allowed me to do things "on second thoughts"
5. My favorite thing? solitude & silence
6. My dream last night? i don't dream
7. My favorite drink? water
8. The room I am in? my office
9. I am? week 5 into critical care nursing
10: I love? that there's only 3 more weeks of critical care left
11. What do I want to be in 10 years? a built on me,me
12. Who did I hang out with today? my jamaican gf for lunch
13. I am not_______? looking forward to pulling a 12hr tomorrow
14. What would not be in my fruit salad? oranges
15. One of my wish list items? iphone
16. Today I must________ ? go to bed early
17. The last thing I did? some bogus database project
18. What am I wearing? pin-stripped pants w/white dress shirt
19. My pet(s)? my yorkie dog, Milo
20. My computer? is the last thing I'm on ev'ryday before I sleep
21. My Shoes? highlight 3' heels

Feel free to tag yourself and do this on your blog :)

Mucho amor,
Prettylyf

Current mood-Mellow
Currently listening to-K-Love

I'd rather be-camping

Randomness in a quiet night

Laying sprawled
across the bed
linens kicked aside
pillows scattered

my eyes open to the dark
why,no it was light just now

My body awakens to a coolness
why,it was insanely hot just now

The music pipes from a distant
the phone rings dreadfully

The cars speed up the hill
outside my window

No sleep
I gather the tall figure
some more towards the wall
oh the cool

one day it's going to be different
one day soon
it shall depart from me
or i from it
this aloneness that just almost drowns me, tonight

this boredom that near chokes me
this ache in my soul thirsts
for difference
for a new
for different
different

why do you sleep without me
why won't you wait for me to fall into the dream world first?

I close my eyes to the dark
when I open them
will the light be back already?

Super Understanding

I lay in bed,
tossed and turned all night long
I cried myself to sleep
not a soul to talk to
not a heart to confide in

I walked,
lost in my thoughts
stuck in the past
trying to make something of the present
to build a future

Lost in my ways
I turned myself around
lay in the bed I made
not a wink
no sleep
yet no regrets

Because this time
I kept the lessons
held them close to me

I didn't think anyone really cared
I don't even think i wanted anyone to
but in my heart of hearts
I hoped for a true soul out there
that truly would

That soul is you,
and am graetful to God
you help me keep my faith
show me how to wait it out

You teach me how to keep hoping
never to sell-out
always to reconsider

It's your thought, that keeps me safe in the dark
your prayer, keeps me warm in the cold
your love sends me protection
and guidance from up above
because I know you murmur away a prayer to God
just for me

I try to not let go
because I know
regardless of everything
you think me, happy thoughts
hope and pray me only the best

This mystery puzzle
called me
is now almost complete
all its pieces just about
put together

I'm most thankful to God
for you
because you make me tear away at what
an awesome and amazing person you are

So if you ever loose your hope
you can have mine
if you get lost
I'll ask God to help me find you
because me and you walk the same line

I'll shine a light for you
when it's dark
I'll try my best to be there
to help you feel your way around

If that cloud too should pass
I know another will come
and still i'll stand on the other side of the shore
waiting for you
God help me
because when we meet what we are afraid of
we find out what we are made of

I've something real in you

because you and I speak

the same language

even in silence

you get me,

and feels great to be got

Your words give me strength
knowing you're there
keeps me going

Shattered

It's everything. and nothing. It's everyone and no one. sometimes even I, am clueless to what's going on. have i distanced myself? really? why does that not seem like news to me. have i been overly quiet lately? i can't explain it, i can try but what does it matter you wouldn't understand anyway. i don't want you to try, it is ok.I survive, i tough it out. i hardly let on anything.but sometimes it hits the fan. tis ok to cry after all, right? it cleanses the soul, at least it does mine. i don't want to man up, i want to be my 'real' age, i want to cry because this end feels empty and yes there's a light at the end of this tunnel but i don't want to be the big guy again, i want to succumb to this and cleanse this soul. i don't want to 'fix' it. i've learnt sometimes i've to let it fall apart if it has to fall back in place.Am i forgetting something? no, i would not forget to count my blessings and thank God.someone out there is having it worse. i'm lost, i've gone to look for myself, should i return before i'm back, please have me wait.

8 random things

I got tagged by Pandave...

The Rules are:-

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
   
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
   
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
   
4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
   
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

So here goes mine...

• I was addicted to coffee for a long time. I've been 'sober' of coffee for six months now and am still counting. It's a big achievement, if i say so myself
• I dislike driving. I'd rather catch the trolley,ride the bus, or take a cab than drive. So, that's exactly what I do, leave my car home and commute
• I hardly use the word-Hate-in regard to someone. If I said I hated someone I'd be saying I hate the God in them lol I can't explain it
• I don't lye my hair. I always braid. I'm seriously contemplating dreads in a few months. Some people relate or misjudge people with locks but sporting dreads doesn't necessarily point you out as belonging to a certain 'group' or 'cult'. I'm still trying to figure out how to convince my moms, hopefully she won't keel over and die
• I love men in uniform. Not cops though. Pilots, Paramedics, and Firemen. I've one and I love him to smitherings
• I've disliked cops since October '03. I know not all of them are trigger-happy but since I lost somone very close to one of the few who are trigger-happy it's made it harder to even want to differentiate the good from the bad. Need I say I dislike guns?
• Each time an ambulance, fire truck, and police car zoom past me, sirens going off I whisper a prayer for the person (s) they're rushing for
• The person I am today I owe to my moms. She knows, I tell her each time we talk, over and over, it doesn't get old, b/c each day I discover a new piece, a new strength that I didn't even know existed. But above all I'm graetful to God for ever making her my moms. I love her to pieces, to the very last bit.

I tag Irena, Feather, Quintessence, scotchbiscuits, Betty, Cabbie Dearest, Gish, and Three types of crazy.

Those days

There are days when I feel ready to begin
then there are others I feel most unprepared

There are times when all I do is ball out my eyes
then there are others i laugh my ribs into pain

There are days when nothing seems to make sense
then others when am the one pointing out to others
how much sense everything really makes

There are days when I need not a reminder that tough times don't last
and that better days are nigh
then those that I've to be reminded, it has to be hammered into me
it has to be rubbed all over my face
I have to be made sit and reminded I know this, that I know better
that I've said it to others, that on most days it's what I walk, talk, eat

There are days when I've a clue
others am just so lost and clueless
others I just zone out

There are days when I can't wait to awake
others I want to stay under those covers
stay underneath forever

There are days I'll talk
others I'm quiet, withdrawn,behind my walls
searching, finding
contemplating

There are days am upto to everything
others I just want to sit and do nothing
just look into space, get lost in my own fantasies

There are those days
then others
and until i'm jolted back to reality
It's either one

When I get on my knees
when I bow this head
When in discreet I whisper away a prayer
When I murmur to myself
God intervenes
see I can't explain how
but I do know for sure
there's power in a prayer

There's revelation when I wait on God
there's success when I involve Him in my life
there's excellence all around me
there are breakthroughs

I find answers,
to all my questions...

Have a blessed and beautiful weekend!

Cheer me up?

I'm back from vac. I was only gone a week. But, it didn't seem like a week, not for a minute, it seemed longer. I enjoyed every minute of it, had tons of fun, good laughs, good food, just simply a very amazing time.

Vacation? what is it? my definition is a time when I get to digress if for a moment from the-my normal routine(which is insanely overwhelming). It's the time I take off of the routine and slow down, catch a breath, look around, take in the beauty of rest and change or not. Time to re-energise and recuperate, time to reflect, time to catch up on some things that normally wouldn't make the day's agenda ( I'm a bit big on first things first). A time to reminiscence on what has been and of course a time to re-focus and make a few necessary changes. And all these I did.

But now am back in town, as I type this am not a happy camper, I'm in a crisis of a bittersweet mood. I miss my family so much, I miss the BF. Vacation was suppossed to make me happy no? and yes am happy and very graetful I got that time off and got away from all the madness in my life. However, whenever I take vacation I regress, no, not in a bad way. But, I always come back and first 2 weeks, I'm trying to fit in the routine all over again, like trying to rebuild myself, and not cry myself to sleep. I build a wall and shut others out as I give myself time to come back.

I'll come back slowly but surely. When I wake up tomorrow morning it'll be more like hitting the ground running because of all the things I have to do and stay on top of. I'll be back sooner than I know it, it'll linger at the back of my mind but soon will vamoose.

Think me happy thoughts, would you? Leave me comments and cheer me up :) Indulge me in how you feel after your vacation(s) or how you'd feel after your vacation(s)?

Mood-Bittersweet, torn between happy, aloneness, lowliness, and sadness

Vacation

I'm on vacation but I'll be back before y'all know it

Prayers, love, and friendship
Prettylyf

Stillness & Quiet

Still my heart,
Oh Lord,quieten the turmoils
within.

Give me peace,
Oh God,
release the rest
you intend for me.

Silent... oh God,
all the urges
and voices that push me...
to move on and on
without stopping,
without resting...

Still me down,
my Father,
hold me to your hands,
remove my cares, burdens, and heavy wearies...
and be there in the silence with you...

God, silent me,
still me,
slow me down,
deal with that rush...that is somehow within
this heart of mine.

Lost in this feeling

I'm lost in your gentleness
lost in this feeling of you caring with all

Lost in your concern
this feeling, concern, that so warms me up
It's this feeling at the pit of my stomach
lush-ish
tickle-ish

Lost in the feeling of these thoughts
these thoughts that cheer me up
and make me smile

I'm lost in this feeling
feeling of how your understanding is super-amazing
feeling of how your reasoning is so beautiful

I'm thrown by this feeling
Lost in how a personality can be oh
so cute
Lost in this feeling of patience that makes me so happy

Lost in this feeling
that keeps me smiling
lost in how intelligent innocence
can be

I'm so lost in this feeling of
getting looked out for
this feeling of getting checked up on
lost in this oh so good feeling

I'm so lost,
so lost in this feeling
so happy to be lost
Oh so totally feeling this lost feeling


If lost feels so good is asking not to be found asking for too much?!?

Like a woman without God

When I am tempted to doubt myself
And question my gifts and experience,
Remind me, GOD- of all that I know,
And those things that I don’t know
That I Know,
Remind me, who I am, and whose I am
Even when I hide behind my piety
To avoid doing what must be done
And use You as an excuse for indecision,
For lack of action, for silencing myself.
Love me enough to lift the lid off my basket,
And order me to stop crouching in the dark.

Like a Woman without a GOD

To my sisters and our only brother

I woke to an e-mail from my twin brother this morning. He is the most amazing man/guy I know. I have two sisters too. I love my sisters and brother with my everything...my all...the poem below says a tad of the emotion called love I have and feel for them...


I'm happy for my two sisters and only brother
as we've grown up, we've taken care of each other
stuck up for each other
wanted only what is best for each other
I pray we'll always be a part of each other's lives,
always love each other,
because that's what siblings are
so, siblings, this is for you

There's a link between us
that will never break,
Even though it's been stretched
a time or two-or even more
we've been through
so much together;
we've got so much in common

I'll never stop caring about you,
worrying about you,
wanting only the very best for you,
that can never change.
because that's what love's all about
that's what a sister's for

Just so you know,
I carry your hearts with me(I carry them in my heart)
I'm never without them(nowhere I go am I without them)
anywhere I go you go, my beloved sisters and brother;and whatever thing
is done by only me is your doing my darlings

I fear no fate(for you my sweets,are my fate)
I want no world(for you beautifuls, are my one true world)
and it's you who are my everything
and whatever always means the most and best to me
you are

So,
Here is the darkest secret, no soul else knows
(here is the root of all roots, song of all songs
and love of all loves called A LIFE WITH YOU,
which grows higher than the soul hopes or mind thinks)
and it's no wonder you're the stars set apart
the best, bright and shining

So you just know,
I carry your hearts(I carry them in my heart)
always!

Solitude

Silent phone,
ringing phone,
same difference

Earlier days,
nowadays,
same difference

Silence,
words?
silence speaks louder

On...
off...
same difference

There...
or gone,
same difference

Darkness,
light,
same difference.Not.

Solitude moments..
crowded moments...
same difference? no?
NOT AT ALL!
different difference.

Heaven in You

Self-love is a pre-requisite for a healthy
personality
You accept and reach out to others in the same way that you accept
and understand yourself

Don't look for heaven
up there...
in the clouds,
or past the clouds,

Don't try to see it where or when
the stars shine,
don't think its gone when the moon isn't out

Instead,
Look inside
Inside of you

It's when you smile
forgive,
hug,
share,

It's when you choose too see only goodness,
deal bad best you can,
love limitless,
make a difference,

It's when you live best in and for the moment

set example

are humble

treat all equally

Heaven is,
when you refuse to give up
when you choose to give faith a fighting chance
when you live on hope

look..do you see it?
do you feel it?
always?

Because,
Heaven is inside of you
Heaven is you!

Tribute

I celebrate you today...

Truth outted by her
I hung my head
buried it in my hands
wept afresh for you

I miss you
still love you
still catch myself hoping..dreaming you were around
and oh how much I see you each time I walk
I bump into you
just every other day

Tell you some of the things I miss..?
the colored rice..
the tusker in the stew...
the hurried dinners...
the popped in movies to keep us awake till dinner was ready
the sa(n)dak whoopings

I try to block my eyes from seeing you
my mind from hearing you
your last words to me
our last words

I miss you
I love you
I still say a prayer for you
still mention you
to those close to me
I knew when you left, I saw it..you
but kept in denial

I asked God to let you eat
and finish your food
it tore me apart
when you were no more
It felt as though God had disowned me
as though He heard not my prayers..our prayers

I sacrified for you
I wanted you to live so so bad
I wanted to come back find you
if only I had known those
words were our last
that day our only together
return I never would have
but then again you would not have wanted that

I live on because I know
you look down on me..us
because when I look out my window
every night I know you are the brightest star
that shines, puts a sparkle in my heart

And when the stars are not out
It puts my heart at rest to know
you are at rest with the best
you taught me so much
may be not by words
but actions, just from watching you

I live on because now I know
even those things we think sometimes
matter, don't, not at all
now I know there's more, more
to this life

I see so much of you in me
and it keeps me going
I want to be just like you
and more
you know what..

I cry today
because I know you should have
lived on
I try to find a reason
but I succumb to tears
I'm lost
can still read the placard
I can still hear the soil
I see you


Sleep in peace

My Seven

I've been tagged twice by Mwangi and Q. Here goes my seven;

1. When I was about 10y.o my cousins, siblings and I would get hauled to grandma's. It's in the murang'a bundus, suffice to say banana plantations dominate the district(?). Grandma always cooked bananas. Now you can only eat something for so long. One day we were out playing and she calls us to come eat lunch(duh banoz). We all refused to go and instead screamt calling her "monkey" I shall not indulge you in the whipping we later faced that day.
2. During the first term of my high school I was in a school in the bundus (Kangaru Girls-Embu) they spoke embian and I didn't understand jerk. I had enough of it, run away, went back home and refused to go back to that school until I got transferred to a different school.
3. I'm very attached to my cellphone. I live in a city where I have no family or anyone I'd really call a friend. Everyone close to this heart of mine is out of state/city or country all together so I gotta have my cellphone. If I can't find my cellphone I freak out and panic. I hardly turn off my cellphone. I text message alot. My cellphone got a virus 3weeks ago and I haven't seen it in like 2weeks and I've been literally sitting on my hands to not pull my hair out because I cannot handle the replacement cellphone.
4. I'm kinda sorta anal and spoilt. I like to do things a certain or particular way. More often than not I gotta have things my way.
5. I believe in God. I wholly trust and depend on God. God is the only person I can use the word NEVER with or on b/c He is the only one person I can always count on without getting forsaken, let down or disappointed. God is the most awesome person I know. Prayer is the most powerful thing in my life.
6. My boyfriend is different. I'm at pains to explain how.
7. My moms is the most amazing woman and person I'm yet to meet. I call her my RIBS. She's my role model, inspiration,bestfriend #1, and soulmate. All I'm I owe to her. She's taught and instilled all the values and morals in me and I thank God for her very much. I celebrate her big this mothers' day.

He's gone

I don't think everyone should marry.

I agree that some people should not have children.

I do think some people that are married should not be together.

I think it's better to leave FOR the kids.

I think it's detrimental to the general well-being of the kids, as well as the parents to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of saving face.

No one asked him to leave but he did.

I'm not sure how i feel now that he's left.

It broke my heart to hear them cry.

He hasn't written. He hasn't called.I don't know if he is happy. I'm not sure I even care

I thought I would be ready for this one day. I'm not.

I can't.So much. Too much. Stop.

(Borrowed from Medusa 2005/6)*partially edited*

Last night

I fell in love with you,

all over again

last night

It's what i needed to come home

to last night

after a long day

I walked through the door

and there it lay

on the table awaiting me

instantly my lips broke into a secret smile

The minute I saw it

I knew, knew

It was your doing

rushing to my room

I ripped it open

losing myself in it

With each line

my smile broadened

my face lit up

from within my heart

I fell in love with you,

all over again last night

just reading it

oh how much pleasure you give me

This warmth crept upon me

as I re-read it

with each blush

I let every word of it sink

engraving in my heart and soul

I got into bed,

said a prayer,

with a smile on my face i fell asleep

loving you today more than I did yesterday

Falling in love all over again

with you, last night

A walk remembered

Call me if you feel 'funny'
she says
stop I tell her
I won't

I don't think about it
until the time comes

We gather,
then disperse

We walk
our laughter fills the air
a step a head of everyone
I wonder
will i hear those laughs again
will we do this again
laughter penetrates the quiet, calm night

You're so quiet they always say
are you ok?
how are you feeling today?
my answer, always the same
just simply, ok

I get off,
look around,
a tad darker
a tad quieter
a tad more scared than I was yesterday
may be, really I should find a different way to do this

No, my alter ego argues
you've done it so many times
what makes today different

Left hand in pocket, right out
I start the stroll
at first i quicken my steps
then i think to myself
easy does it
slowing myself down
I take a deep breath
I can do this
through Christ who strengthens me
who watches over me and keeps me safe, secure

He is going to watch over me
Him who watched over me yesterday
Surely,He will watch over me, He who
has watched over me all these years

The night is asleep
the streets abandoned,
the roads empty
do i hear voices?
i turn around,
my right hand getting a tighter grip

Stay focused, I tell myself
you're almost there
my eyes dart around in the dark
I can't wait to get there

I'm almost there,
I see it around the bend,
I'm home, safe,
I kneel beside it
and thank God

He has planted guardian angels
on paths i trod
because He already knows where I shall trod today

He can stay but unless HE stay
I won't be safe, I'd rather HE stay
so goodnight my love

I've realised what I'd do without God
NOTHING
I'm nothing without God

Letter to L

Dear L-

You make me very sad. I think about you every other day. You just seem to invade my mind. Not like I ever push you away or try to not think about you. But, honestly even if i don't i'd rather not think about you yet still i'd rather. When I think about you I want to call and call I do but you've fined the art of not talking to me. I miss you. Period. I love you and there's not two ways about it. You're one of the few people in my life I'd take a bullet for.

If I didn't love you, think about you, say a prayer for you daily and want only the best for you I wouldn't have looked for you. I wouldn't have insisted and pissed them off even after they repeated over and over that you were intentionally evading me. I'm not a fool. You know I stayed behind when you showed up that morning because it tore my heart when you begged me to stay so we could talk. We made our mistakes and that's in the past. You did realize after a while what my staying behind cost me. I knew what it'd mean but still i chose to stay.

I'm not better than you. I don't have it together, I just try really hard and you know it because you remember what you told me. Not been able to talk to you anymore breaks my heart. I want us to just be family. You're a part of me so it's hard for me to not think about you, to not call and leave you a voicemail once in a while. I don't want ever to live with guilt. I know you know I care and love you.

When I asked you about her (that last night we talked) it's because you made me a promise, that night remember? that you'd return that call. In my heart I knew if you didn't do it with me it was not going to get done. Yet, I didn't want to make you do it with me because then it'd seem as though I was calling the shots and plus of course I didn't want to be there during the convo.

My eyes tear as I write this because I know he was your hero and I know I'd be worse if mine went away too okie? I don't fully understand my dear but look at me am trying. I'm here for you. I worry about you. You can't let it all go down the drain because he's gone. What if he's looking down and feeling disappointed? don't you want to try and do him proud? I want you to try so bad. If it means me coming back I'll but I won't ever let you go, no. I wouldn't live with myself if I did, i already can't.

I'm sorry she did what she did. You can't do anything to change that but do something to best yourself. I don't want to have to find out from someone else how you're or how you're doing because I know it kills you. You're driving me insane, I've very little sanity left I want it to work out for each one of us and you know I always insist on none of us getting left behind and now you're going to take that away? steal from yourself? from us? what can i do? what can i say? what will it take?

I worry about you because I know deep down this is not you. Turn yourself around. I'm drained, I can't talk to him because he is sick of me pushing him to try one more time and I can't talk to baby also because he doesn't really fully understand. I refuse to give up on you, so you best not give up on yourself because it's going to kill me. I'd want to believe you'd not give up on me. I know you, you'd put up a fight for me so am not frigging letting go, if it kills me let it

all my love,
-A-

WORDS

"Words kill, words give life; they're posion or fruit--you choose." -Proverbs 18:21

Words are powerful. They heal or break. It's amazing how many words have been created and continue to be created from an alphabet of 26 letters. It totally blows me away. Some of these words very blessful, others downright curseful.

Now that i think about it, life is all about letters.Letters that make up words. Same way there's the "Numb3rs" t.v. series me thinks they should start one called "Letters".What i say to anyone sometimes really bothers me. I always strive to say words that uplift. Now i'm no angel or saint not even close but i don't find harm in trying. I always want to try, try to better best.

In a multitude of words there lacketh no lie. Usually am a quiet person unless am overly comfortable with you, only then do i run mouth.

Too many a time someone has said words that have broken me, broken my spirit, torn me apart, thrown me off, and even leaving me lost and confused. On countless occassions someone has said very blessing words to me and i've felt uplifted. I too have said both mean and good words to others.

As I grow up each day i realise just how powerful words are. Whether written or said, words remain words. Words cannot be taken back. Once they leave the mouth or are put down it's hard to take them back or justify them otherwise .

From what is abundant in the heart speaketh the mouth. I'm the words I speak. Words that come forth from the mouth is what is in the heart. Be it love or hatred.

I agree sometimes we get caught up in the heat of things and say things we wouldn't be caught dead saying or say words we don't intend to or don't mean. However, we've to learn to reflect and think ahead. Think what the effect and aftermath or consequence of the words about to be uttered or written is.

The words we are they positive or negative? do the words build or corrupt?All this lies in the power of the tongue. Which we very much have control over.I pray, hope and trust God to help me best and refine how i use words that leave my mouth, words i write and even what kind of words they are. Again I discern self-control.

Feng shui

The results are in. They could've been worse is all am saying and they're not. I'm going to be fine. I started on the meds but so far same difference. I'm graetful to God very much so.

I just finished feng shui. I feng shui'd my bedroom. I love my space. I hole up in there every minute i am home, literally. I love my privacy. I'll live, walk, sleep and eat solitude. Lately, I've be going through the motions and feeling very crowded. I had to clean out, make some space and get re-energized and feel at peace. I searched myself and now i've so much inner peace.

I'm the choices i make. My life is a journey, often difficult and sometimes incredibly cruel, but I am well equipped for it if only I tap into my talents and gifts and allow them to blossom.

A mention

Hi I-

I know you don't know i do this and if you do well you've kept it pretty down low.

That morning at the beginning of the year I woke up with a crave to read you. I looked for you until I found you and what a coincidence? Almost a month after you'd written it for me i stumbled on it and I was elated. I was moved beyond words.

We've built on our friendship the past years and am glad our paths crossed. We don't talk as often as we once did but one thing is for sure we know when we need each other and that's when we write or call up. That's not us, that's not the kind of friendship we always had but isn't it true time does have a way to change things and i bet people too? life happens....days don't stay the same. All the same I love what we've created between us in the past years.

What you wrote me last thursday is just what i needed to come home to and read. I read it as tears flowed. I felt sad and humbled at the things you pointed out. The dreams, visions and aspirations you arose. Remember what we've always said "failure isn't an option" You were so on point there was not two ways about it

I went today, I cried each step there but I walked in and out only hoping for the best. I guess it's time to know and get on. Unfortunately or is it fortunately still they don't know what's wrong but at least i made the step right? Because I can't give up my hope, because I can't not give this faith that has brought me through tears and joy a fighting chance.

I truly thank God we're friends. I got your message and i'd love to call tonight as you requested but am somewhat a bit of a wreck what with waiting for the results to in tomorrow so wait it out with me. I know you will.

Lost

What do you do with your heart

when it doesn't speak to you anymore

silence is golden, yes,

but doesn't it get too loud sometime

yet other times it speaks volumes



Where do you go when

the voices that always wanted and

begged to be heard

cease


Where do you look

when you can't find the precious moments

when the memories once locked in your mind and soul

flee and are lost in the tide

swept away

and not a thing seems like it used to


Where do you go

when you don't know where

you're going and why


What do you do

when you wonder

if it's all worth it


How do you sleep

after you've lost your dreams

why do you sleep

if your nights are dreamless


What do you say

when there's much to say

but the words are lost

the words are nowhere to be found

the words don't seem sensible


What do you do

when the touch of magic is lost

when the beauty fades away


What do you do

when darkness settles in your safe heaven

causing the light to leave

R.I.P

To me...

It doesn't matter how many times before this
you've expected her to come
or show up
and she hasn't

There's no future in the past
that she's here now
that she came today
that she stayed over the night yesterday
that she helped clean up today
is all that matters

R.I.P Mr. T.L.
I've so much respect for you
And each time my tall figure hovers over the coffeemaker I smile because you taught me to make the best cup of coffee. I still hear you instruct me.

I'm glad our paths ever crossed
I'm glad yours was the first face mine met each morning i walked in
I'm glad I got to pick up the newspaper at the doorstep and hand it over to you
I'm humbled you called me a 'miracle worker' and/or 'angel' for the small things I did
I'm glad I helped

Let February end already

February. It has been a trying month to say the very least. I'll not even indulge you in what i've been through because really there's not much about it to reminiscence.

It's march! Let's just say I did pull through in one piece. Thank God for His each morning renewed mercies, sufficient grace, steadfast and unfailing love.

All I'll say is when you're down in the dumps, look up and let your help come from (God) up above. I do believe in the power of prayer. I've seen it first hand. No one knows how to pray. God listens to anyone, that much i know. In the past month there have been days I've not known where to begin in my petitions to God. I clearly remember those days I let God listen to my heart because It was all in there. I could not say it. I didn't know how(to say it in words). I was overwhelmed. So I knelt there and let God look into my heart. I didn't have to say a word and still He came through for me.

Then I always say to myself "like the previous this cloud too shall pass leaving me a better person" and in due time it does (It's just that the wait is disheartening).

I can't believe I just typed this. I'd planned on doing a rant post. But, seriously on second thoughts it's not worth it.

I hope you've a beautiful weekend!!!

You

I love the joy
the sateity of everything
between us

I love the simplicity
in our lives
the impact and fulfillment
small things bring us

I love the trust
the everyday build up on it
the prayer
it stand the test of time

I love the openness
the very act of hearts
whispering away words
only we know

I love the understanding
the communication,
in our minds and souls
regardless of the situation

I thank God for the forgiving nature
holding hands,
to jump the hurdles
no matter how high

I love the trueness
to rebuke and correct in love
the daily,
pursuit to bring out the best
in each other

I love the reality checks
that bring us back
when we hit detours

I love the godliness
the one reminder
it does take God
and prayers

Trying harder

It's always been a struggle
But did i try enough?
Have I really tried?
Am I really trying hard enough?

I sit and watch them
inside I die
I'm failing myself,
Again

I so bad want to be better than this
it stays with me for sometime
after a while it all goes away

When it comes back to me
I vow to myself
to try harder this time
then of course somewhere along the way
I let go

I look at all of them
I don't like any of them
I shrink and cringe
at their very sight

I gotta be better than this
No one can help me
but me
It starts and stops with me

I dislike them
and I won't stop no matter
what you all say
I'll only try harder

I want to try harder,
I am going to try harder
today better than i did yesterday
one day at a time

I'll put it down
push myself towards it
I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me

I'll do what it takes
and sustain it
because I'll do it the right way

Faith or Hope?

Hope is wishing for something to happen. Faith is believing something will happen. This year I choose faith. I choose to trust and believe God through all my situations and circumstances.

On a different note...

This past christmas I had a brilliant time! It was the best I've had since 2003. Now is that long or what? I know it's kinda sorta a bit late to be writing about christmas but hey it's my journal so I call the shots LOL j/k. Moving on...my xmas and new years' was awesome. I spent it with my 2 closest friends and the BF. Those I hold close to this heart. We hadn't seen each other in a minute. So it was a reunion-come-everything wonderful! We had a beautiful time. I hadn't laughed so hard in forever. My heart hadn't been filled with so much joy in a long time. We re-lived our moments together from way back and took hundreds of pictures. I give it to you for taking care of me and making sure I had loads of fun after a stressful year. I love you with all of me and I wouldn't pick other bestfriends if I had to re-do it. You rock and then some. Each one of you is a God-sent and each day when I kneel beside my bed even when I am feeling overwhelmed and on the edge and don't know what to say to God I do say a prayer for each one of you. You're one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Thanks S,J & L. Hugs and kisses. Here's to more times as such!

Muchas amor mi amor y mi mejor amigos

When God whispers your name

I choose love
no occasion justifies hatred
no injustice warrants bitterness
I choose love
Today I'll love God and what God loves

I choose Joy
I invite God to be the God of circumstance
I refuse the temptation to be cynical
I refuse to see people as anything less than human beings,
created by God.
I refuse to see amything less than an opportunity to see God

I choose peace
I'll live forgiven
I'll forgive so that I may live

I choose patience,
I overlook the inconveniences of the world
Rather than complain the wait is too long, I'll thank God for a moment to pray.
Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I'll face them with joy
and courage

I choose kindness
I'll see God in everyone

I choose goodness
I'll go without a dollar
before I take a dishonest one. I'll be overlooked
before I'll boast. I'll confess before i accuse
I choose goodness

I choose faithfulness
Today I'll keep promises

I choose gentleness
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle
If I raise my voice may it be only in praise
If I clench my fist may it be only in prayer
If I make a demand, may it be only of myself

I choose self-control
I'll be impassioned only by God
I'll be influenced only by God
I'll be taught only by Christ
I choose self-control

Love,joy,peace,patience,kindness, goodness,faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control
to these i commit my day
If i succeed, I'll give thanks
If I fail, I'll seek His sufficient grace
renewed mercies, unfailing and steadfast love

I say a prayer

I said a prayer,
on sunday,
prayed you'd help me get over it
prayed you'd let me give up the denial
prayed you'd take away this pain

I sent up my petition,
sent it up to God in prayer
begged Him to accept my ammend
to forgive my confession and repentance

I said a prayer last night
begging you to help me stop doing it
I said it again this morning
in dire need of your intervention, Lord

I am sending a prayer to you God
praying you help me let it go
let you be in charge

I am sending a prayer up
to you God
praying you take charge
praying you grant me peace

I am sending a prayer up
my eyes lifted to the heavens
blinded by tears
in need of strength
in need of patience

I send a prayer up,
to you Dear God
to remember orphans, widows
and widowers

I am sending a prayer up
to one who hasn't a prayer trash can
for peace in the world
for power of love
and not
love of power

I send a prayer up
up for those who ail
those in pain,
the sick,
that Lord you make them whole
that by Thy stripes they be healed

I am sending a prayer up,
up for broken families
and whole families
that only you,God, be the head of each family

I send a prayer up
send it up to the Lord
for peace and strength to the bereaved

I am sending a prayer up
up to you Lord
for the deceased souls to rest in peace

I send a prayer up
up to my father in heaven
for each child
for each one of them is His

I am sending a prayer up
up to my provider
for everyone, every single soul in the world
that God remember each one of us

I send a prayer up
up on behalf of the needy
that Dear God only you meet our needs

I am sending a prayer up
lifting my prayer up to the Lord in meekness
for any prayer I have forgotten
that you remember it and fulfil it

I send a prayer up
my hands lifted up to worship God
my knees bent at God's feet
my head bowed
my eyes closed
i send a prayer of gratitude
a prayer of thanks,
for each prayer answered
and even unanswered

I send a prayer up
that above all
only your will oh Lord be done
because in humility i realise only then
is the best in me and everyone brought out

Troubled tuesday

I don't care,
no, not like i used to
not as deep as i did

I hurt,
very deep

My heart cannot be broken
yet the pain of the brokeness
lurks
the torment just as bad

I'm sad,
a bit sadder everyday
a little less sadder
everyday

It's senseless
it makes no sense
It does not add up

One more thing in me
shut off

where joy once lurked
looms suppressed tears
suppressed groans
suppressed sadness
anger at self

Let me be
angry if only for today

Let me cry
just one more time tonight

Let me feel lost
one last time

Let me close my eyes
torment myself one more time with
what's locked in

Let me lose myself
one more time to the memories
in the mind

Let me get schooled again
one more time hoping to keep the lesson

Let me sulk,
let me cry,
let me feel sad,
let me be whatever emotion i want be,
before i let it all go

Let me re-live
all the good moments
and times

Let me re-visit
all the fights
and sorrows, pain
that came with it

Let me lose myself
in it
With a hope to be well again

Update

I had a bummer weekend. Cried myself out all saturday day and night. I was so sad. I was thrown off. I was devastated to say the very least. I called my pops. He talked me out of the dumps. I also talked to my moms who consoled me. Sunday I woke up to a lazy, unplanned day. See I am so bad at this. I am just not used to having so much time on my hands. What to do? What not to do? Where to start? My family called again to check on me. Ahh for sure I have the greatest family. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love them more than life itself.

I spoke to BFF1 and he helped me see it in a different light. I spoke to BFF later that evening and he also helped me look at both the upside and downside. With God, my fam and my 2 BFFs put me on an Island lol

Thursday night I went out with 2 friends to the most amazing sushi place. Mmh.Mmh. I could live on Sushi. Sushi gift cards anyone?

I have been craving to read a good book for a long time now. Sunday afternoon I made a trip to Barnes & Noble got myself Jennifer Weiner's-Goodnight Nobody- My other twin got me John Mayered so I also did swing by Best Buy for John Mayer's cd-Continum- I am loving both the book and cd so far.

Thanks to God for the strength, my fam, BFF, BFF1 and R for the encouragement

On a different note: Latest quote learnt and stolen from my other twin- "Everything will be fine in the end. If it is not fine then it's not the end"

Current Mood: Content. Appreciative.
Song currently playing in my mind: Can't be without you baby

A beautiful birthday

I had a Beautiful Birthday! My pops and moms called and that totally made my day, cloud nine had nothing on me. My BFF called at midnight on Friday to say happy birthday, aww. Trust me he's a sleepy head so that was the crux. I got calls and text messages from friends. Now I am overly simple and don't care for presents or cards on my birthday. All I care is for my family and friends to remember and call or text. Simplicity does it. Simple ways make the greatest impact in my life.

I'm graetful to God for getting me by a whole year and to the start of a new one. I praise and worship Him for His renewed mercies, sufficient grace and steadfast love in my life. I thank and bless Him for my family and friends. My heart's desire is to become better person in all areas of my life with each new day. To live by example.

I went out to dinner and the movies saturday night. Watched -Good Year- not all props but a good movie to watch all the same. This was random b/c all I'd planned on was sleeping. I was in a bad mood when i first woke up. But later on i cheered up, thanks to the BFF :) I got home at about 10pm and put in an early night.

Sunday night my friend had a birthday dinner for me at her place. It was awesome. The thoughfulness. The love. The beautiful presents and touching messages on those cards.Ahh.I appreciated it all. It blew me away. I love your kindness and big-heartedness. My cake was utterly beautiful. The presents and cards brilliant! I had a great time!

Let's all have a beautiful week!!!

A few of the things that make me tick

1. My family
2. My close of friends
3. My bestfriend
4. The power of prayer
5. The assurance that God is real and will always be there
6. Typing up the reference page of the many school papers i am always doing.ugh.
7. Being content
8. Tall drinks
9. Good food
10. Good clothes
11. Good shoes
12. Pretty purses and bags
13. Quality time spent alone. My moments of solitude.
14. Talking to him
15. Long peaceful walks
16. Doing 'write-ups' on my diary
17. My yoda
18. Helping others. A candle lighting another candle loses nothing.
19. Checking the last thing on my to-do-list
20. The depth of poems
21. How i relate to some songs
22. Good music
23. Reading a good book
24. Clean laundry
25. Sweet dreams
26. The magnitude and impact of the small things in life
27. Simplicity
28. Pure, real love
29. A good laugh. Giggles.
30. Him
31. The power of prayer
32. Having a good time
33. Watching stars on a dark, silent night
34. Getting driven around. I love how fast the road moves below. How the other cars pass almost unnoticably. The silence. The lights.
35. E-mails and calls from old friends
36. Silence
37. A good night's sleep
38. How he and I connect

My birthday is fast-approaching. This coming saturday i turn 22y.o. Darn it! I'm growing old LOL. I have no plans. I am looking forward to spending some good time alone. I'd love to have my cellphone off on that day but i can't b/c my wonderful moms, my family, Him(because he'll want to bug and drive me crazy all day), and my friends will be calling hopefully. I don't want surprises. I dislike those.I'd love to sleep all day. I'll let you know how it goes...

Have a beautiful week everyone!

Crying on the outside

So much is going on with me right now. I'm sad. I have tears in my eyes. What's happening to me??? I am all not for promises. But I made one to me anyway. Promised myself that i wouldn't cry on the outside anymore. Today I do though. I don't like this feeling. Lost. Confused. Sick and tired of everything. I love simplicity. Yet in my own ways am complex. I stay out of people's way. I keep to myself. I dislike feeling like am in the way. Yet now i can't shake off the very feeling. I dislike feeling torn apart. Yet that's what i slept last night.

I'm very big in trust. It takes forever for me to trust anyone. I hardly let my guard down. I don't open up. But when I do i treasure and love you and our friendship. It kills me to know i trust someone yet they don't trust me. It breaks me because what good is it then. I try so hard to not hurt others. So I fight hard to not indulge in anything that could lead that way.

Today. I am broken. I am not at peace. I'm down. A tad lost and confused. I wrote the poem below a while back and that is exactly how i feel today...


I feel empty,
Just a bit,
here and there
but I smile

I'm lost
in my thoughts
and ways
but I laugh

I never communicate
not once
but I talk
I hope to learn how to

I don't let anyone in
but I listen
I hear

I'm seeking a way
I hope to find
only me knows, very soon

I have tears in this eyes
just for now
but weep I won't

In this my silence
the absurdity of conversation
is too darn apparent

But then again you see
nothing or
no one
lasts forever

A piece is gone
leaving
this puzzle undone

I say a prayer in the secrecy
of this my heart
then it's not so bad
not so bad

I close my eyes
to this darkness
lie here in search of sleep
oh if only just to dream