Update

I had a bummer weekend. Cried myself out all saturday day and night. I was so sad. I was thrown off. I was devastated to say the very least. I called my pops. He talked me out of the dumps. I also talked to my moms who consoled me. Sunday I woke up to a lazy, unplanned day. See I am so bad at this. I am just not used to having so much time on my hands. What to do? What not to do? Where to start? My family called again to check on me. Ahh for sure I have the greatest family. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love them more than life itself.

I spoke to BFF1 and he helped me see it in a different light. I spoke to BFF later that evening and he also helped me look at both the upside and downside. With God, my fam and my 2 BFFs put me on an Island lol

Thursday night I went out with 2 friends to the most amazing sushi place. Mmh.Mmh. I could live on Sushi. Sushi gift cards anyone?

I have been craving to read a good book for a long time now. Sunday afternoon I made a trip to Barnes & Noble got myself Jennifer Weiner's-Goodnight Nobody- My other twin got me John Mayered so I also did swing by Best Buy for John Mayer's cd-Continum- I am loving both the book and cd so far.

Thanks to God for the strength, my fam, BFF, BFF1 and R for the encouragement

On a different note: Latest quote learnt and stolen from my other twin- "Everything will be fine in the end. If it is not fine then it's not the end"

Current Mood: Content. Appreciative.
Song currently playing in my mind: Can't be without you baby

Sad

I went to mass AGAIN! Ahem. I realised i have forgotten the Apostles' Creed. Wait what? did i ever really know it?? matter-of-factly if just for a sec i did way back then. Mass was on divorce and since i know you can't wait to ask,yes i missed the sermon AGAIN. This is getting serious, i go to mass with intention to follow thru and actually i do but the sermon i miss? whats up with that?? Next sunday, i will try again. Yes, i'll go again and again, soon it will be story of my life.

My weekend was sad. I moved out of my old house. Yikes! It was getting irritable by the day living with a yelling landlady. I know i am weird. What everyone else seems to like and think appropriate isn't what i seem to like. If i don't dig a setting, i don't and no matter what i won't so just let me be. I'm a loner. I like who i am. I don't like been around people. It don't matter if they are friends or not. I easily get bored. Easily as in snap fingers easily. I'm moody. Red robot or no red robot. I have been working on that and boy have i come a long way. Thanks dad for always inquiring. Asking if i stopped and letting me know not everyone if anyone will understand me.

I moved out b/c my landlady kept picking fights with me for not talking. According to her i came home and went straight into my room and guess what? she was so damn right. I love my space. I love my privacy. I love my solitude. Suffice, to say i love my own company. Now you wonder if i do get lonely? sure as hell i do. But i don't obssess over it. I get spells of it. It comes and goes. I have learned to deal it. I can handle it b/c i'm a big girl. I love where i moved to so far. It's a temp place. I hope it works out. Each time i move houses it makes me sad. It makes me feel like i am starting all over again. For most people moving is fun besides the packing and unpacking part of it. But, for me its a pain. Don't get me wrong am all for change just not the change that comes with my moving.The only upside about this move was that i finally found my lost-since-January turqoise ring. Woot! I got it when i turned 21. The move's downside was that i trashed so much stuff. Clothes and shoes and so much more. How very sad :(

It's another Monday. Days are flying...

I miss my family. I lost my uncle. Death is sad. It tears me apart. When i close my eyes i remember him very well. I can hear him talk. I can see him. I haven't prayed about it yet b/c i know when i do i'll break down. I'm zoning and been zombie about it for now. In my heart of hearts I pray God rest his soul in eternal peace. It's just so sad...Sunday was also my late cousin's memorial service. I hope you are at peace, Herbert. I miss you. Why couldn't we all just die on the same day so there would be no one left behind in pain and feeling lost?

R.I.P Uncle Joe

The 'glamour' of smoking

Smoking. It used to be glamorous(to me and am sure it is to some people). The whole gist of holding a cig in between those fingers. The feeling of the cig between the lips. Oh the art of holding the smoke in for a tad longer than everyone else and then releasing it via the nostrils then the very last of it out of the mouth and not coughing, not a tiny bit. In the club one hand on the drink, the other holding a cig. Thank God they are banning smoking in clubs(so far officially banned in Washington, D.C. clubs)Smoking wasn't just glamour, it was class. I know a cigar is too damn sexy BUT...

In high school most of the girls i hang with smoked. I had the urge but coffee breath is bad enough for me so toping it off with a cig, i wasn't gonna do that. There's so much associated with smoking like the way some women smoke to keep off the weight.

I used to get irritated a while back. I'd be doing my own thing when from nowhere someone would walk up to me and ask to buy one of my cigs or borrow my lighter. I used to get double PISSED!!! Why you ask? because i didn't smoke. But just from the blues they'd ask, not because they saw me smoke,NO! Someone would just eye-ball me or whatever, label me a smoker and procced to ask to buy a cig or borrow my lighter. And why for crying out loud sakes' do people ask to buy someone elses' cigs??? I know some people sell theirs alright but let the habit stop already. But the urge/thirst of seeing someone else smoke and you don't have your own will totally get you borrowing imtellnya .

I had dreamt and fantasized about smoking so much that one night while out when a friend offered me a cig, w/out a second thought i went for it. The most interesting thing is i could not convince my friend i had never smoked before because said friend thought i did it as a pro. I didn't even cough. I smoked away like it was the one thing i had perfected all along in my life. In less than an hour, i had smoked 5 cigs. I caught myself just in time. That was the discovery of yet another of my downfalls. Fortunately, i turned myself around and put a stop to it the same night. The next morning i hated myself, from how i smelled to my breath, ugh, i could very much have gagged from it and my throat felt so jerked up.

Now it breaks my heart to see someone smoke. Blame it on my nursing proffession in progress. Coincidentally, right now i am studying respiratory diseases and the no.1 killer is COPD(Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). I don't hate smokers, have nothing against them.Can't cast stones because i darn been down that road. All i know is smoking is a bad habit that kills.Worse still is that second hand smoking is just as bad as first hand.

Another Week

I'm one big mess today. A sleepy mess. Yestenight one of my classmates asked me if i ever suffer from sleep deprivation. I said yes(partially). I don't sleep more than 4hours most nights and i know that's wrong. Now, that don't mean i'm always walking around like a zombie just because i didn't get enough sleep,no. If anything i hardly notice it until it comes crashing then i gotta take a power nap or get a caffeine fix, double shot, extra hot. Yes, I'm a coffee addict. I would quit but that's no an option from my part of the world.I take lots of power naps on the bus though lol You'd think i'd read more on the bus but W.T.H?! me i black out sometimes. I can't even start to tell how many times i've missed my stop or how many times i've kept sleeping and the bus has gotten to the last stop aka bus terminal and a kind passenger has shook me awake ROFTLOL. I digress...

The weekend was ok. Got some reading done. Someone help, i'm getting hooked on the library. Suffice to say, if you know me, i loathe the library. I dislike the whole act of that serious library face-mask people wear,argh! I loathe that feeling that comes with been in the library.I agree we all have our own ways to study but me when someone walks in, that's not disturbance, i look right up and if i know them i might just wave a hello, what? but you trust me i never know anyone in the library ha! I check my e-mail in the library, i myspace in the library, i bankonline in the library, i do anything and everything in that oh suppossedly house of silent studying hahaha, i'm goofy like that. But seriously it's kinda erie to just hang around all those books and all that knowledge don't you think?

It's another week already! Time is leaving me behind another week has past and still i haven't caught up yet...These days are just slipping from underneath me but woohoo that's how fast school is moving too so you bet no complains :) *woot* *woot*

Monday was just monday you know how it is, bluuuueee. On my way to class. I was sitted there waiting on my bus, talking on my cellphone. Not a care in the world, laughing away with the person on the other end unaware of anyone or anything in my surrounding. Sitted there my legs at per with my body(i love doing this) he appeared from nowhere, just like that, right infront of me. Was i dreaming? NO. Was I shocked? NO. I knew one day our paths would cross again, if just for one last time and they did yesterday. In retrospect, to those days is there anything to say? none i can think of...

I have so much to do this week, wish me well.

Lost and confused

My body aches,
My brain is fried
My eyes hurt from long days
And no sleep

My hands are numb
My legs won’t move
My lips are dry

I’m thirsty
I’m hungry
For everything

My face is says nothing of it
Robbed of all its expressions
My heart bleeds
Little pieces shuttered
within my soul

My inner peace is gone
My hope lingers
My faith hangs on

I’m out of words to express my need
I’m out of tears to show my sorrow
My hands fold back
Tired and ashamed of stretching to receive from others
My lips are dry from asking,
Explaining my situation
Why I need help one more time

My nights are short
and full of agony
My thoughts are cramped up in my small head
Full of ideas gone sour

When oh God
Shall my sun go down no more?
When will my sky
be full of stars again?
when will the sun
shine my mornings again?

When oh when shall my sorrow depart?

When whilst my heart cry no more?

Mass Sunday

O.H.I.M.A Oh hell it's monday again :(

On saturday night on my way home from i know where, K gave me a ride home. Now i fret when am walking home late at night and a car pulls up infront of me. Especially when it's a car i don't recognise. So anyway, this car pulls ahead of me and stops. I keep walking on the side then as i pass it from a distance, the driver rolls down the window and it's this chic. I look at her in the semi-dark and she looks just a tad familiar. In my mind am trying to place where i've seen her. Suddenly she offers an intro and i remember where we've met. She offers to drop me home. We chat on the way to my house and do some bonding. We get to my house and we say the night niceties as she drops me off.

For some reason i couldn't sleep well on Saturday. I woke up at 4am. Darn it sleep, when i don't have anywhere to go i can't sleep wait until i have to get my ass up for work then i really want to sleep. WTH? is my system that jerked up or confused???

Anyway at 930am I went to a padres game b/c D used to play before he hurt his shoulder. He now trains some high school kids and i went to see them for whatever type of support you would call that lol. I left at 11am and went for the 12:30pm catholic mass. I wasn't raised catholic and i haven't had a desire to attend mass and the only one time i did it was for pure bliss. Long story short i did go for mass yesterday b/c i got an invite from my friend L. I walk in i totally forget there's holy water by the door, so i paused,deeped my hand and did the cross, then knelt towards the alter before i sat down. As I learnt later on L took me to the oldies mass. Now don't get me wrong church is church because it's what i make it but at least i like it when i get to sing. They had a lady who sang and the congregation did was repeat the chorus. Then for whatever reason i missed the sermon, i could have bet $1000 there wasn't a sermon until my friend said if i could that meant i'd slept thru the service which of course I hadn't. I think it's only because am used to one way of doing things and that was all so new to me.

Can you keep a secret? after the service i was browsing the church paper program they gave us on our way out. I wasn't browsing it just to look interested,no. I was browsing to find the hours for the confession box. I have this deep urge that i'd love to go into a confession box. Call me psycho...

I went back home slept until 5pm then went out to dinner w/ D because it was his birthday on Friday. It was D, K and I then later on D-boy and L joined us. We had a great time. Full of laughs, giggles, cheap thrills and utter amusement.By the time i got home i was so pooped i just wanted to sleep. And sleep well i did.

Friday Enroute Saturday

1. It's that time of the month again, get yer mind off the gutter, not that one haha, at least not yet, oh well...
2. the spell is on
3. i'm so effing homesick
4. i cried myself home last night. Each footstep of my 3mile walk there was full of tears
5. sometimes i just let it all go, let it all out
6. cry just a tad bit to cleanse my soul
7. so that tomorrow when i need just a tad bit more of energy i can reach deep enough
8. and find something to fall back on
9. my inner strength
10. it keeps me going
11. i dislike my homesick spells
12. they linger a while, make me miserable then just
13. as they came, leave almost unnoticably
14. sadly i always know they came
15. they don't kill me, they make me stronger
16. fridays' are my worst days, at least not as bad as mondays, dude not even close lol
17. but for whatever reason, fridays are the days i feel most alone
18. not lonely, nah-ah haha alone
19. still i live on...
20. somehow a day at a time. Try to project less and write my gratitude list more
21. i'm so depressed right now...
22. where does depression hurt? here, there, er..everywhere
23. who does depression hurt? everyone

Current Mood: Graetful

Song playing currently in my mind:Who Knew-Pink

Not a pretty day

1. Some days like today i feel like there's nothing pretty about my life
2. Fall is knocking and with each day now comes a tad more chilliness
3. I dislike it when it's cold, because i get cold and end-up sick
4. I'm a sickling by nature
5. I'm the type that caught every illness as a kid
6. And no, it's nothing to do with low immmunity
7. I just get sinus, my chest congests, I wheeze and get a runny nose suffice to say the list is endless :(
8. I tried to get some green tea but today's was way bitter.
9. I tried to force it down my throat but thought i might end up gagging and stopped.
10. I'm trying to cut back on my coffee intake.
11. I'm a coffee addict.
12. I love, love cofee and i do it with extra shots, that makes it even worse b/c i'm wired all day.
13. I'm insomniac, it takes forever to relax my system and coax it to go to sleep.
14. I don't feel like talking to anyone today
15. I just have nothing to say to the world
16. It wouldn't understand anyway...

Current Mood:Stretchy

Song currently playing in my mind:Don't forget to remember me-Carrie Underwood

Married Men

Yesterday was a good day because I slept in for a few hours. I woke up at 9-ish am and left the house for the library to get some schoolwork done. I needed to use the school computer now that my landlady won't let me use hers. Like I care. I was in the library until 5pm, technically they kicked me out because 5pm is when they close. At least I got some work done.

I have every number in my cellphone assigned to a group. Each group has a different ringtone. This helps me know who's calling without even looking. Now I am on the bus-stop waiting on the bus as i talk to my friend on the cellphone. Suddenly my phone makes this beeping sound to indicate an incoming call. It's, B, we haven't spoke since June, so why now? Of course I reject but he calls right back, i reject but he keeps calling back again and again w/o leaving a voicemail. Finally I get irritated and answer. He wants to meet-up show me a car he's selling. I'm not looking into buying a car anymore but common courtesy is good. I agree to meet him up and see it. God knows I don't have the money so this is just for the thrills. I meet him up like an hour later and the ride is the shit and then some. It's even black, just what i like. I like it instantly lol I drive it around for like an hour. Tell B too bad I can't buy it and tell him i have to get going since i have an early day tomorrow. He offers to drop me home. We get there and he pulls right infront of my gate and as i get out he reaches out and tries to kiss me. I push him off.

What's wrong with men? especially married MEN? for crying out loud sakes', you're married with children and you're still trying to sleep around. This is the second time the damnass has made a pass at me. First time i let it slide. But evidently he still hasn't given up. I have a lot of dignity and self-esteem. I have my own standards and principles that i live,eat and walk. I will not sleep around or go around kissing any man unless i'm married to him, then it's gotta be my husband.Yes, I know i'm different.

And people still wonder why i hang out alone, because i can't take such low-life mannerisms. Ugh makes me want to gag.

Cammon now and am suppossed to believe in marriage and relationships???Singlehood rocks!

Current mood: Disgusted
Song currently playing in my mind: We walk the same line-EBTG

I hope you dance

I hope u never lose your sense of wonder

What does it take to hope?
Believing that tomorrow will be better than today
That you’ll get a second chance
That you’ll make a difference

You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
Hunger-is the wanting to see more
Feel more
Touch more
Crave/desire/search out/find/hold more
Sometimes hunger hurts more

May you never take one single breathe
for granted
So breathe out and breathe in
And soak it all up

God forbid love ever leave your empty-handed
But if it does,
May it leave you patient and stronger
Willing and wiser, tender and tougher

I hope u still feel small
When u stand beside ocean

Whenever one
Door closes I hope
One more opens

Promise me that u’ll give faith a
Fighting chance

A promise is all about faith
A promise is only as strong
As your own faith in your own self
So when u give your word
In light of your strengths and in spite
Of your weaknesses,
To struggle and follow through
You are doing a beautiful thing

And when you get the chance
To sit it out or dance
I hope dance
Who cares what you sound like with a voice all your own

I hope you never fear those mountains in
The distance

Its crossing your fingers when the map doesn’t make sense, when the compass
Doesn’t know truly north from truly lost, and it’s up to you
to persevere and get to the other side

Never settle for the path of
Least resistance

*Living might mean taking
Chances,
But they’re worth taking
It’s risky breathing, let alone needing.
Trusting, reaching out. Life is the leap of faith,
The bold declaration of
Hope.*

Loving might be a mistake
But it’s
Worth making
This is really big stuff!
This is the crux of the whole
Adventure!

Love, love, love
You have to love
And if you don’t get love right,
You have to move on
And forgive
And then you have to remember
That you’ve forgiven
Or else you can’t move on.
And If you don’t move on
U’ll surely end up..
Bitter

Don’t let some
Hell-bent
Heart leave you bitter
(and don’t say I didn’t warn you)

When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
You one worth so much
To me, to us, to life as such

Give the heavens above
More than a passing glance
Heaven-a place somehow high above the clouds,
Yet deep inside your soul
A place of complete peace of total, utter happiness
A place greater than the sum of everything you’ll ver be or could ever imagine to be
A place we all want to get to
But just not yet…

And when you get the choice to st out
Or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you dance because
Time
Time is a wheel
Time is a wheel in constant motion
Always
Rolling along us
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder…
Where their years have gone

But I’d also like to think that time and age are cousins-they’re relative.
Who said you have to go by actual miles?
If you didn’t know how old you were, how old would you be?
(me, I’m sticking with eighteen)

I’ll even argue that you can bottle youth
What you store it in is all up to you
(I suggest you heart)
If you can figure out a way to keep
The energy and fire alive
You’ll always stay young
And where there’s youth, there’s hope
Where there’s hope, there’s wonder
Where there’s wonder, there’s faith
Where there’s faith, there’s chance
Where there’s chance, there’s love
Where there’s love, there’s music
And dancing.

So in my heart of heart’s
I hope you dance
I really hope you dance
-Amen-

-WAIT-
promise me one more thing:
if tommorrow you wake up feeling
unoriginal
or as if you don’t belong
or faithless
or tired of this world
please remember this
(or just call me)

-NO, it’s not the end
It’s the beginning-

100 things about me

1. I love doing memes
2. i talk to myself
3. then answer myself
4. when am bored i make-up people and have conversations
5. i laugh out loud when i remember something funny
6. i love laughing
7. i love having my space
8. i love walking home after darkness settles in
9. i like having my feet up
10. i try to say a prayer everyday
11. i used to go to church each sunday but i stopped
12. i don't think going to church is the crux
13. i mean i'd love to go to church each sunday but can't right now
14. however i still maintain a personal relationship w/God which is all that counts to me
15. i make my own cds
16. i love pop music
17. am no saint
18. but i try to be a better person everyday
19. right now am pretty sure am not been better than yesterday
20. b/c am doing this at work
21. i easily get bored
22. i love staying in bed
23. there's just something about been under the covers
24. i obssess about scrubbing my face
25. i cannot sleep without pillows, at least 2
26. am a bad sleeper
27. i attest to 's/he that kneels most stands best' from personal experience
28. i love reading novels
29. i easily cry
30. my cellphone is what keeps most of my relationships or friendships alive
31. my hair used to be long, i wonder what happened to it
32. i dislike dressing up to go places
33. i look forward to going home for only one reason-solitude-
34. i hole-up in my room, i love it in there
35. i have 12 charm bracelets, they are so beautiful
36. i hardly remember my dreams
37. am not even sure if i dream in color or not
38. i have an ivory bracelet
39. a friend i made gave it to me 3years ago
40. i have alot of clothes i don't wear
41. i don't like going to people's houses
42. i don't like it when people don't keep their word
43. I got myself a new bible this year
44. books are my greatest wealth
45. sometime back i made sure i took some amount from each paycheck to buy a book
46. I try to do my morning devotion every day
47. i have alot of fears
48. now i believe love is all the good things
49. i love my first name, i really love it
50. i have alot of akas
51. i really dislike the way one of my profs pronounces it, it drives me crazy, i really try hard to not block my ears b/c i dislike it each time she says it, grrrh
52. I don't hate, I dislike
53. I know for a fact that God is real
54. i dislike confrontations
55. i obssess over calories
56. some days am really good others am not
57. i love candles
58. i keep my room neat
59. i hardly leave the house before making my bed
60. i get homesick spells
61. sometimes i forget how far i am from my real home
62. until something jolts me back to reality
63. and when it sinks i fight not to cry
64. most people are kind to me
65. i try to be nice to everyone
66. am simple
67. i love been comfortable
68. i wish i could wear my tees, jeans and tennis shoes anywhere
69. am glad am not in a dress-up career
70. i got a turqoise ring for my 21st birthday but i lost it, i can't find it. I have looked everywhere. I can't help wishing that's its just misplaced. It's been MIA since Jan.
71. I wanted to get a tatoo of a guardian angel on my left shoulder blade for my 22nd birthday
72. but i won't. i changed my mind. i was going to get it for the wrong reasons. don't ask what.
73. a lot of good things have happened this year, so far, am graetful to God.
74. though most times things are pretty thick/hard somehow in the end they always work out
75. i heard a lovely song about hope on my friend's car. i have to get it.
76. I love been different.
77. am very antiphotogenic and i don't even try to make it better
78. i love tees with messages on them like "i am with stupid" "i am a virgin (this shirt is very old)"
79. I love taking long walks
80. i enjoy my own company
81. simply, i am a loner
82. i love who i am
83. i nest more than i dream although most times am in bed
84. i love sunsets
85. i hope to do a euro-trip, i won't let anything stop me unless am helping people
86. i'd love to learn how to drive a motorbike then own one
87. i believe i can do anything i put my heart to
88. i don't care about riches. i want just enough for my family and i and to reach out to others who need help.
89. I have a soft spot for orphans. i'd love to start an orphanage after i graduate
90. I hope and pray to God i'll keep all lessons i've learnt all my life
91. i want to live a legacy
92. not as a hero, but just an everyday woman, who does her job the very best she can
93. i'd love to write a book about my life
94. am a light-sleeper
95. i cover my head when i sleep. if i don't i won't sleep.
96. I miss my highschool friends
97. most of my good friends are boys
98. I miss writing letters
99. i dislike an alarm clocks sound most
100. I find memories in the smallest of things

Life is what you make it

Life is beautiful
life is all the good things
but we have to let it be

Life is what we make it
memories
sweet or
bitter
about the life we make

Life can be sad
or happy
not everyday of it
but we can try

Try to project less
and write
our gratitude lists

Try to live
a day at a time
making the best of everything

Not want to always be a hero
just an everyday man
doing everything
the best way we can

Life
it's all about what we make it