Stillness & Quiet

Still my heart,
Oh Lord,quieten the turmoils
within.

Give me peace,
Oh God,
release the rest
you intend for me.

Silent... oh God,
all the urges
and voices that push me...
to move on and on
without stopping,
without resting...

Still me down,
my Father,
hold me to your hands,
remove my cares, burdens, and heavy wearies...
and be there in the silence with you...

God, silent me,
still me,
slow me down,
deal with that rush...that is somehow within
this heart of mine.

Lost in this feeling

I'm lost in your gentleness
lost in this feeling of you caring with all

Lost in your concern
this feeling, concern, that so warms me up
It's this feeling at the pit of my stomach
lush-ish
tickle-ish

Lost in the feeling of these thoughts
these thoughts that cheer me up
and make me smile

I'm lost in this feeling
feeling of how your understanding is super-amazing
feeling of how your reasoning is so beautiful

I'm thrown by this feeling
Lost in how a personality can be oh
so cute
Lost in this feeling of patience that makes me so happy

Lost in this feeling
that keeps me smiling
lost in how intelligent innocence
can be

I'm so lost in this feeling of
getting looked out for
this feeling of getting checked up on
lost in this oh so good feeling

I'm so lost,
so lost in this feeling
so happy to be lost
Oh so totally feeling this lost feeling


If lost feels so good is asking not to be found asking for too much?!?

Like a woman without God

When I am tempted to doubt myself
And question my gifts and experience,
Remind me, GOD- of all that I know,
And those things that I don’t know
That I Know,
Remind me, who I am, and whose I am
Even when I hide behind my piety
To avoid doing what must be done
And use You as an excuse for indecision,
For lack of action, for silencing myself.
Love me enough to lift the lid off my basket,
And order me to stop crouching in the dark.

Like a Woman without a GOD

To my sisters and our only brother

I woke to an e-mail from my twin brother this morning. He is the most amazing man/guy I know. I have two sisters too. I love my sisters and brother with my everything...my all...the poem below says a tad of the emotion called love I have and feel for them...


I'm happy for my two sisters and only brother
as we've grown up, we've taken care of each other
stuck up for each other
wanted only what is best for each other
I pray we'll always be a part of each other's lives,
always love each other,
because that's what siblings are
so, siblings, this is for you

There's a link between us
that will never break,
Even though it's been stretched
a time or two-or even more
we've been through
so much together;
we've got so much in common

I'll never stop caring about you,
worrying about you,
wanting only the very best for you,
that can never change.
because that's what love's all about
that's what a sister's for

Just so you know,
I carry your hearts with me(I carry them in my heart)
I'm never without them(nowhere I go am I without them)
anywhere I go you go, my beloved sisters and brother;and whatever thing
is done by only me is your doing my darlings

I fear no fate(for you my sweets,are my fate)
I want no world(for you beautifuls, are my one true world)
and it's you who are my everything
and whatever always means the most and best to me
you are

So,
Here is the darkest secret, no soul else knows
(here is the root of all roots, song of all songs
and love of all loves called A LIFE WITH YOU,
which grows higher than the soul hopes or mind thinks)
and it's no wonder you're the stars set apart
the best, bright and shining

So you just know,
I carry your hearts(I carry them in my heart)
always!

Solitude

Silent phone,
ringing phone,
same difference

Earlier days,
nowadays,
same difference

Silence,
words?
silence speaks louder

On...
off...
same difference

There...
or gone,
same difference

Darkness,
light,
same difference.Not.

Solitude moments..
crowded moments...
same difference? no?
NOT AT ALL!
different difference.

Heaven in You

Self-love is a pre-requisite for a healthy
personality
You accept and reach out to others in the same way that you accept
and understand yourself

Don't look for heaven
up there...
in the clouds,
or past the clouds,

Don't try to see it where or when
the stars shine,
don't think its gone when the moon isn't out

Instead,
Look inside
Inside of you

It's when you smile
forgive,
hug,
share,

It's when you choose too see only goodness,
deal bad best you can,
love limitless,
make a difference,

It's when you live best in and for the moment

set example

are humble

treat all equally

Heaven is,
when you refuse to give up
when you choose to give faith a fighting chance
when you live on hope

look..do you see it?
do you feel it?
always?

Because,
Heaven is inside of you
Heaven is you!

Tribute

I celebrate you today...

Truth outted by her
I hung my head
buried it in my hands
wept afresh for you

I miss you
still love you
still catch myself hoping..dreaming you were around
and oh how much I see you each time I walk
I bump into you
just every other day

Tell you some of the things I miss..?
the colored rice..
the tusker in the stew...
the hurried dinners...
the popped in movies to keep us awake till dinner was ready
the sa(n)dak whoopings

I try to block my eyes from seeing you
my mind from hearing you
your last words to me
our last words

I miss you
I love you
I still say a prayer for you
still mention you
to those close to me
I knew when you left, I saw it..you
but kept in denial

I asked God to let you eat
and finish your food
it tore me apart
when you were no more
It felt as though God had disowned me
as though He heard not my prayers..our prayers

I sacrified for you
I wanted you to live so so bad
I wanted to come back find you
if only I had known those
words were our last
that day our only together
return I never would have
but then again you would not have wanted that

I live on because I know
you look down on me..us
because when I look out my window
every night I know you are the brightest star
that shines, puts a sparkle in my heart

And when the stars are not out
It puts my heart at rest to know
you are at rest with the best
you taught me so much
may be not by words
but actions, just from watching you

I live on because now I know
even those things we think sometimes
matter, don't, not at all
now I know there's more, more
to this life

I see so much of you in me
and it keeps me going
I want to be just like you
and more
you know what..

I cry today
because I know you should have
lived on
I try to find a reason
but I succumb to tears
I'm lost
can still read the placard
I can still hear the soil
I see you


Sleep in peace

My Seven

I've been tagged twice by Mwangi and Q. Here goes my seven;

1. When I was about 10y.o my cousins, siblings and I would get hauled to grandma's. It's in the murang'a bundus, suffice to say banana plantations dominate the district(?). Grandma always cooked bananas. Now you can only eat something for so long. One day we were out playing and she calls us to come eat lunch(duh banoz). We all refused to go and instead screamt calling her "monkey" I shall not indulge you in the whipping we later faced that day.
2. During the first term of my high school I was in a school in the bundus (Kangaru Girls-Embu) they spoke embian and I didn't understand jerk. I had enough of it, run away, went back home and refused to go back to that school until I got transferred to a different school.
3. I'm very attached to my cellphone. I live in a city where I have no family or anyone I'd really call a friend. Everyone close to this heart of mine is out of state/city or country all together so I gotta have my cellphone. If I can't find my cellphone I freak out and panic. I hardly turn off my cellphone. I text message alot. My cellphone got a virus 3weeks ago and I haven't seen it in like 2weeks and I've been literally sitting on my hands to not pull my hair out because I cannot handle the replacement cellphone.
4. I'm kinda sorta anal and spoilt. I like to do things a certain or particular way. More often than not I gotta have things my way.
5. I believe in God. I wholly trust and depend on God. God is the only person I can use the word NEVER with or on b/c He is the only one person I can always count on without getting forsaken, let down or disappointed. God is the most awesome person I know. Prayer is the most powerful thing in my life.
6. My boyfriend is different. I'm at pains to explain how.
7. My moms is the most amazing woman and person I'm yet to meet. I call her my RIBS. She's my role model, inspiration,bestfriend #1, and soulmate. All I'm I owe to her. She's taught and instilled all the values and morals in me and I thank God for her very much. I celebrate her big this mothers' day.

He's gone

I don't think everyone should marry.

I agree that some people should not have children.

I do think some people that are married should not be together.

I think it's better to leave FOR the kids.

I think it's detrimental to the general well-being of the kids, as well as the parents to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of saving face.

No one asked him to leave but he did.

I'm not sure how i feel now that he's left.

It broke my heart to hear them cry.

He hasn't written. He hasn't called.I don't know if he is happy. I'm not sure I even care

I thought I would be ready for this one day. I'm not.

I can't.So much. Too much. Stop.

(Borrowed from Medusa 2005/6)*partially edited*

Last night

I fell in love with you,

all over again

last night

It's what i needed to come home

to last night

after a long day

I walked through the door

and there it lay

on the table awaiting me

instantly my lips broke into a secret smile

The minute I saw it

I knew, knew

It was your doing

rushing to my room

I ripped it open

losing myself in it

With each line

my smile broadened

my face lit up

from within my heart

I fell in love with you,

all over again last night

just reading it

oh how much pleasure you give me

This warmth crept upon me

as I re-read it

with each blush

I let every word of it sink

engraving in my heart and soul

I got into bed,

said a prayer,

with a smile on my face i fell asleep

loving you today more than I did yesterday

Falling in love all over again

with you, last night

A walk remembered

Call me if you feel 'funny'
she says
stop I tell her
I won't

I don't think about it
until the time comes

We gather,
then disperse

We walk
our laughter fills the air
a step a head of everyone
I wonder
will i hear those laughs again
will we do this again
laughter penetrates the quiet, calm night

You're so quiet they always say
are you ok?
how are you feeling today?
my answer, always the same
just simply, ok

I get off,
look around,
a tad darker
a tad quieter
a tad more scared than I was yesterday
may be, really I should find a different way to do this

No, my alter ego argues
you've done it so many times
what makes today different

Left hand in pocket, right out
I start the stroll
at first i quicken my steps
then i think to myself
easy does it
slowing myself down
I take a deep breath
I can do this
through Christ who strengthens me
who watches over me and keeps me safe, secure

He is going to watch over me
Him who watched over me yesterday
Surely,He will watch over me, He who
has watched over me all these years

The night is asleep
the streets abandoned,
the roads empty
do i hear voices?
i turn around,
my right hand getting a tighter grip

Stay focused, I tell myself
you're almost there
my eyes dart around in the dark
I can't wait to get there

I'm almost there,
I see it around the bend,
I'm home, safe,
I kneel beside it
and thank God

He has planted guardian angels
on paths i trod
because He already knows where I shall trod today

He can stay but unless HE stay
I won't be safe, I'd rather HE stay
so goodnight my love

I've realised what I'd do without God
NOTHING
I'm nothing without God

Letter to L

Dear L-

You make me very sad. I think about you every other day. You just seem to invade my mind. Not like I ever push you away or try to not think about you. But, honestly even if i don't i'd rather not think about you yet still i'd rather. When I think about you I want to call and call I do but you've fined the art of not talking to me. I miss you. Period. I love you and there's not two ways about it. You're one of the few people in my life I'd take a bullet for.

If I didn't love you, think about you, say a prayer for you daily and want only the best for you I wouldn't have looked for you. I wouldn't have insisted and pissed them off even after they repeated over and over that you were intentionally evading me. I'm not a fool. You know I stayed behind when you showed up that morning because it tore my heart when you begged me to stay so we could talk. We made our mistakes and that's in the past. You did realize after a while what my staying behind cost me. I knew what it'd mean but still i chose to stay.

I'm not better than you. I don't have it together, I just try really hard and you know it because you remember what you told me. Not been able to talk to you anymore breaks my heart. I want us to just be family. You're a part of me so it's hard for me to not think about you, to not call and leave you a voicemail once in a while. I don't want ever to live with guilt. I know you know I care and love you.

When I asked you about her (that last night we talked) it's because you made me a promise, that night remember? that you'd return that call. In my heart I knew if you didn't do it with me it was not going to get done. Yet, I didn't want to make you do it with me because then it'd seem as though I was calling the shots and plus of course I didn't want to be there during the convo.

My eyes tear as I write this because I know he was your hero and I know I'd be worse if mine went away too okie? I don't fully understand my dear but look at me am trying. I'm here for you. I worry about you. You can't let it all go down the drain because he's gone. What if he's looking down and feeling disappointed? don't you want to try and do him proud? I want you to try so bad. If it means me coming back I'll but I won't ever let you go, no. I wouldn't live with myself if I did, i already can't.

I'm sorry she did what she did. You can't do anything to change that but do something to best yourself. I don't want to have to find out from someone else how you're or how you're doing because I know it kills you. You're driving me insane, I've very little sanity left I want it to work out for each one of us and you know I always insist on none of us getting left behind and now you're going to take that away? steal from yourself? from us? what can i do? what can i say? what will it take?

I worry about you because I know deep down this is not you. Turn yourself around. I'm drained, I can't talk to him because he is sick of me pushing him to try one more time and I can't talk to baby also because he doesn't really fully understand. I refuse to give up on you, so you best not give up on yourself because it's going to kill me. I'd want to believe you'd not give up on me. I know you, you'd put up a fight for me so am not frigging letting go, if it kills me let it

all my love,
-A-

WORDS

"Words kill, words give life; they're posion or fruit--you choose." -Proverbs 18:21

Words are powerful. They heal or break. It's amazing how many words have been created and continue to be created from an alphabet of 26 letters. It totally blows me away. Some of these words very blessful, others downright curseful.

Now that i think about it, life is all about letters.Letters that make up words. Same way there's the "Numb3rs" t.v. series me thinks they should start one called "Letters".What i say to anyone sometimes really bothers me. I always strive to say words that uplift. Now i'm no angel or saint not even close but i don't find harm in trying. I always want to try, try to better best.

In a multitude of words there lacketh no lie. Usually am a quiet person unless am overly comfortable with you, only then do i run mouth.

Too many a time someone has said words that have broken me, broken my spirit, torn me apart, thrown me off, and even leaving me lost and confused. On countless occassions someone has said very blessing words to me and i've felt uplifted. I too have said both mean and good words to others.

As I grow up each day i realise just how powerful words are. Whether written or said, words remain words. Words cannot be taken back. Once they leave the mouth or are put down it's hard to take them back or justify them otherwise .

From what is abundant in the heart speaketh the mouth. I'm the words I speak. Words that come forth from the mouth is what is in the heart. Be it love or hatred.

I agree sometimes we get caught up in the heat of things and say things we wouldn't be caught dead saying or say words we don't intend to or don't mean. However, we've to learn to reflect and think ahead. Think what the effect and aftermath or consequence of the words about to be uttered or written is.

The words we are they positive or negative? do the words build or corrupt?All this lies in the power of the tongue. Which we very much have control over.I pray, hope and trust God to help me best and refine how i use words that leave my mouth, words i write and even what kind of words they are. Again I discern self-control.

Feng shui

The results are in. They could've been worse is all am saying and they're not. I'm going to be fine. I started on the meds but so far same difference. I'm graetful to God very much so.

I just finished feng shui. I feng shui'd my bedroom. I love my space. I hole up in there every minute i am home, literally. I love my privacy. I'll live, walk, sleep and eat solitude. Lately, I've be going through the motions and feeling very crowded. I had to clean out, make some space and get re-energized and feel at peace. I searched myself and now i've so much inner peace.

I'm the choices i make. My life is a journey, often difficult and sometimes incredibly cruel, but I am well equipped for it if only I tap into my talents and gifts and allow them to blossom.

A mention

Hi I-

I know you don't know i do this and if you do well you've kept it pretty down low.

That morning at the beginning of the year I woke up with a crave to read you. I looked for you until I found you and what a coincidence? Almost a month after you'd written it for me i stumbled on it and I was elated. I was moved beyond words.

We've built on our friendship the past years and am glad our paths crossed. We don't talk as often as we once did but one thing is for sure we know when we need each other and that's when we write or call up. That's not us, that's not the kind of friendship we always had but isn't it true time does have a way to change things and i bet people too? life happens....days don't stay the same. All the same I love what we've created between us in the past years.

What you wrote me last thursday is just what i needed to come home to and read. I read it as tears flowed. I felt sad and humbled at the things you pointed out. The dreams, visions and aspirations you arose. Remember what we've always said "failure isn't an option" You were so on point there was not two ways about it

I went today, I cried each step there but I walked in and out only hoping for the best. I guess it's time to know and get on. Unfortunately or is it fortunately still they don't know what's wrong but at least i made the step right? Because I can't give up my hope, because I can't not give this faith that has brought me through tears and joy a fighting chance.

I truly thank God we're friends. I got your message and i'd love to call tonight as you requested but am somewhat a bit of a wreck what with waiting for the results to in tomorrow so wait it out with me. I know you will.

Lost

What do you do with your heart

when it doesn't speak to you anymore

silence is golden, yes,

but doesn't it get too loud sometime

yet other times it speaks volumes



Where do you go when

the voices that always wanted and

begged to be heard

cease


Where do you look

when you can't find the precious moments

when the memories once locked in your mind and soul

flee and are lost in the tide

swept away

and not a thing seems like it used to


Where do you go

when you don't know where

you're going and why


What do you do

when you wonder

if it's all worth it


How do you sleep

after you've lost your dreams

why do you sleep

if your nights are dreamless


What do you say

when there's much to say

but the words are lost

the words are nowhere to be found

the words don't seem sensible


What do you do

when the touch of magic is lost

when the beauty fades away


What do you do

when darkness settles in your safe heaven

causing the light to leave

R.I.P

To me...

It doesn't matter how many times before this
you've expected her to come
or show up
and she hasn't

There's no future in the past
that she's here now
that she came today
that she stayed over the night yesterday
that she helped clean up today
is all that matters

R.I.P Mr. T.L.
I've so much respect for you
And each time my tall figure hovers over the coffeemaker I smile because you taught me to make the best cup of coffee. I still hear you instruct me.

I'm glad our paths ever crossed
I'm glad yours was the first face mine met each morning i walked in
I'm glad I got to pick up the newspaper at the doorstep and hand it over to you
I'm humbled you called me a 'miracle worker' and/or 'angel' for the small things I did
I'm glad I helped

Let February end already

February. It has been a trying month to say the very least. I'll not even indulge you in what i've been through because really there's not much about it to reminiscence.

It's march! Let's just say I did pull through in one piece. Thank God for His each morning renewed mercies, sufficient grace, steadfast and unfailing love.

All I'll say is when you're down in the dumps, look up and let your help come from (God) up above. I do believe in the power of prayer. I've seen it first hand. No one knows how to pray. God listens to anyone, that much i know. In the past month there have been days I've not known where to begin in my petitions to God. I clearly remember those days I let God listen to my heart because It was all in there. I could not say it. I didn't know how(to say it in words). I was overwhelmed. So I knelt there and let God look into my heart. I didn't have to say a word and still He came through for me.

Then I always say to myself "like the previous this cloud too shall pass leaving me a better person" and in due time it does (It's just that the wait is disheartening).

I can't believe I just typed this. I'd planned on doing a rant post. But, seriously on second thoughts it's not worth it.

I hope you've a beautiful weekend!!!

You

I love the joy
the sateity of everything
between us

I love the simplicity
in our lives
the impact and fulfillment
small things bring us

I love the trust
the everyday build up on it
the prayer
it stand the test of time

I love the openness
the very act of hearts
whispering away words
only we know

I love the understanding
the communication,
in our minds and souls
regardless of the situation

I thank God for the forgiving nature
holding hands,
to jump the hurdles
no matter how high

I love the trueness
to rebuke and correct in love
the daily,
pursuit to bring out the best
in each other

I love the reality checks
that bring us back
when we hit detours

I love the godliness
the one reminder
it does take God
and prayers

Trying harder

It's always been a struggle
But did i try enough?
Have I really tried?
Am I really trying hard enough?

I sit and watch them
inside I die
I'm failing myself,
Again

I so bad want to be better than this
it stays with me for sometime
after a while it all goes away

When it comes back to me
I vow to myself
to try harder this time
then of course somewhere along the way
I let go

I look at all of them
I don't like any of them
I shrink and cringe
at their very sight

I gotta be better than this
No one can help me
but me
It starts and stops with me

I dislike them
and I won't stop no matter
what you all say
I'll only try harder

I want to try harder,
I am going to try harder
today better than i did yesterday
one day at a time

I'll put it down
push myself towards it
I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me

I'll do what it takes
and sustain it
because I'll do it the right way