Praise

Scented candles burning
cuppa honey lemon green tea
a softly snoring lover
an empty glass of wine
a twinkling Christmas tree in a corner
lighting up our lil nest
a mind full of reminiscent thoughts
of a year past
belly laughter
tears of sorrow from loss
a hearty meal with family
desolate moments from grief
vacations in the sun & sand
sleepless nights
toasts to life
cuddles & kisses
stepping stones in life
brewing dreams
a beckoning end year
only a heart full of gratitude
only tears of joy
joy unspeakable

Just Me

But me
you don't know where it caves
just me
understands where its bent
my being
feels where its broken
my steps a constant remainder 
but me
no one knows the weight
just me 
feels the pinch
for all only the sight they behold
but me inside and out
everyone a myriad of thoughts
for me
torment and anguish
just me

2012/13

Wow I cannot believe I haven't blogged since September. You must all forgive my tardiness, I have had quite a bit on my plate. Nonetheless, I am back and will strive to do better in the new year.

• I remember having horrible hot flashes that forced me to step out into the ambulance bay so the night's chill would cool me down

• At 6AM when I could no longer push myself any harder I asked the supervisor to send me home

• I got in my car and drove myself home despite dizzy swirling spells

• When I left work that early mid-April morning I had no clue almost a year later I'd still be out of work on extended sick leave

• They poked me with needles in places I didn't know existed. I fought back tears as I tightly grasped the boy's hand for dear life

• I know I'm an ER nurse but I'd rather be on the giving than receiving end. And did you know nurses and doctors make the worst patients? supposedly, we know too much for our own good

• They probed me with mind boggling questions to which I had no answers

• The doctors and specialists ordered a myriad of tests and procedures that completely wiped me out

• For eight months they had no clue what was wrong. My case was presented to boards of experienced specialists who were all dumb-founded

• Finally, I was referred to two oncologists. I could feel myself slowly start to give up

• I felt lost most days and night

• I read a lot of great books during this down time. I am not even kidding you I read a book a day

• In August, the boy gave me a beautiful ring. I absolutely love it. And we couldn't be happier

• The medications stopped working and my heart got weak from palpitations

• I lost friends but made a lot of great new ones in 2012. You don't know your friends until you're sick. The true ones stuck around and am forever grateful for that

• I hated being admitted in the hospital so much in 2012

• When all else stopped working I was taken into emergency surgery

• Before, they put me under my mom was holding my hand and when I opened my eyes first thing after a 5-hour surgery my mom was the first person I saw and I couldn't stop crying

• I had a great team of doctors/surgeons/specialists/nurses. They were at my beck and call day and night. Forget professional courtesy. They were truly angels. They made sure my pain was under control and my mom was comfortable at all times

• I couldn't speak for days but I was so overwhelmed by the love and care from my mom, the boy and my girlfriends I wept day and night

• Despite being so sick I realized how blessed I truly was/am

• I mean, come on, they slit my throat and I lived

• They sheared my aorta creating a big ass hematoma that caused pressure on my spine and AGAIN, I lived!!!

• I got to spend Christmas with my most favorite person, my mom, for the first time in nine years

• My mom met the boy and the boy met my mom for the first time and they got along so great. Two of my favorite people all holiday season. Lucky girl, I know :)

• Mommy has nursed me back to health with all her love and warmth and delish cooking. I have recuperated well and should be resuming work soon

• I couldn't be more blessed. I have the most caring/loving and amaze-balls parents, sibs, friends and the boy 

• I did a lot of fun travelling with the boy and my mom at the end of 2012/beginning of 2013

• It was great to have a lot of friends and family from across town and out of town visit with me during my hospital stays and at home

• I'm so grateful for the boy. He was there day and night. Despite a very demanding schedule he went through each day with me. He held my hand, rubbed my back and made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. I am truly overwhelmed by his kindness and love for me. He perfectly fit the bill when my mommy couldn't be there. He has taught me the true meaning of lifetime friendship and a great relationship

• I'm ready for 2013. And so far its been full of so many blessings from God. He is amazing

A belated Happy New Year to you & yours!!!

Xx,
PrettyLyf

Thirty-One Things

1. I'm sitting on a bed, legs crossed, sipping on a glass of red
2. The summer is fading away. The leaves are changing color
3. The breeze coming in from the open window behind me gently caresses my skin
4. I officially did my first Fall hike this morning. I set out bright and early to brave the trail just before the sun started scorching
5. Its been a beautiful summer, full of lessons, love, laughter and heart stopping tears
6. I've gone through some significant, life changing experiences for the last six months
7. Oh Pandave, I'm happy to announce I'm the proud bearer of a few new scars
8. I find scars to be refreshing, they tell tales
9. Silently, discreetly, sometimes invisibly
10. Some scars are evident to the natural eye
11. Others only to the soul
12. I've traveled quite a bit this summer
13. I had the pleasure of visiting a dear friend, Rita. Our intentions were to sit at a streetside table and have lunch. But the sun and humidity forced us to sit inside in a cozy booth. 
14. Our lunch was full of candid conversations from the heart
15. A quick shopping spree, if you will, and a cup of coffee hours later
16. Yet our parting was a tear jerker
17. I've enjoyed a few good reads this past months
18. Nothing beats that curiosity that accompanies tearing through pages
19. Fall is my absolute favorite season
20. I have pairs of boots lined up in my closet and scarves begging to be wrapped around my neck. Yet my neck of the woods won't cool down fast enough
21. Regardless of where you go, what you do, whom you become, no one beats or even comes close to family or at least my family HAHA
22. A God-sent S.O. is a close second. Falafel with steak @130am. I think I chose a winner :)
23. I'm nothing without God. And everything with God
24. Regardless of a very scary, heart wrenching six months full of uncertainty with joy my heart can say that never once has God left me on my own or let me walk alone. HE has been so exceedingly abundantly faithful it blows me AWAY!!!
25. One day while lying on a procedure table, weeping like a baby, I found out the divine meaning of unfathomable peace
26. Even if my loved ones were waiting JUST outside the door, they couldn't be allowed into the procedure room, they couldn't be there to hold my hand or wipe my tears
27. Despite all their love and prayers, in that very moment I realized only God was/is omnipresent. And I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of peace
28. And my life hasn't been the same since
29. No matter how long we resist it, there comes a point when you just gotta let flaky friends go
30. Life is beautiful. Enjoy it. One day at a time.To the very fullest and with whatever you have. Don't wait for tomorrow
31. Nothing beats a well orchestrated GNO. I can't decide if it's the silliness of laughing at nothing and everything, or sitting quietly in reflection, sharing five rolls of spicy sushi, watching a comedy show together or even just the spontaneity of it all

Freedom

The breeze hits my face
a breath of fresh air
my lungs filling up
my feet pound against the pavement
I can't breath
Oh yes indeed I can breath
I push forward
momentarily blinded
not by dusk
from the sweat that dribbles my face
my heart thumps
violently against my chest 
my taste buds conjuring it
I know this feeling
This what it feels like to set myself free

What makes me feel the prettiest

• Sitting on the rug in my living, in front of the tv, my legs crossed, enjoying an extra hot cuppa tea
• Talking to my mom
• The feeling of clean cool bed sheets against my body
• My hair up in a bun
• A clear mind
• When he says "I miss you. Do you miss me?"
• Clean laundry
• A chilled glass of red
• A spotless bathroom
• A crisp cold bowl of cereal with a hint of vanilla&cinnamon
• Reading a new book
• How my hair feels after deep shampoo and conditioning
• A day off
• Hiking a trail that kicks my little behind
• When our song comes on a playlist or while we are out and we drop everything and dance to it
• The strength in my arms when I lift my 10lb dumb bells
• The first cup of tea in the morning
• Smell of lavender
• A fan blowing in my face
• How still my heart is when I pray or read the bible
• Resonating with music

Lover of my soul

My heart beats for you
it aches for you
my thoughts slow down without you
my eyes well up with tears for you
the beat picks up in anticipation
my arms long for yours
my stomach turns, the acid in it churns
my brain refuses to comprehend
the time as it lingers
I long for you
another second, day, week
sheets entangle my body, tosses and turns
My heart refuses to go on without you